09 August 2008

REPORT: Caribbean Nations to form "Windies" FIFA squad

Rating : 3 (too much Vat 19 rum in our system)

MLSRumors² doesn't often delve into the sordid underbelly of the footballing world, namely internationals. However, on this occasion, the editors feel it our duty to our faithful readers to report on an item picked up on a recent skin-diving expedition to the lovely islands of Turks & Caicos.

The word in the incredibly well-stocked kitchen at the swank private island resort of Parrot Cay is that leaders of the football associations of the assorted Carribean nations not named Trinidad & Tobago or Jamaica have been meeting in secret in an audacious bid to form a united "Windies" (West + Indies = Windies) squad in the fashion of their cricketing cousins.

Of course, rogue elements at the command of such footballing "dignitaries" such as Austin "Diamond" Jack Warner and his emperor, the all-powerful Lord Septic Bladder of Geneva, will be aware of such dissent brewing in the smaller island nations will move swiftly to brutally put down any hint of rebellion. Reached at his top-secret lair in Port of Spain, "Diamond" Jack Warner had only this to say:

"These pissant countries had betta watch out, you hear? I will display the awesome force of my OG travel agency thugs and send them down to Davy Jones locker. You want something within FIFA, you better check with me first bitchez. There is no way I will allow my personal pocket-lining operation to be threatened by a bunch of dope-smoking hash-slingers working at the pleasure of the tourists of America, Europe, and the filthy swine of England. Hey, asshole, before you go, who put you up to this? That Andrew Jennings fucker? I swear to Christ, the whole Dominica thing will look like a game of tetherball when I finish with this"
...You better check with me first bitchez

Presumably, Warner was referring to the comical stranglehold he possesses on FIFA proceedings, given the 35 votes he controls in the CONCACAF region. Should the smaller islands unite under one flag, presumably the votes would reduce. Naturally, Diamond Jack would not like that development, and neither would his colleagues at the fat cat's table. Men of no principals, like Chuck "Plaid" Blazer, and other miserable humans.

When asked about the mooted gambit by the smaller islands, MLS benchwarmer and Bermuda superstar Khano Smith gushed "I'm intrigued by this idea. Just think, me and my mate Shalrie (not a girl's name) Joseph could be teamed up with the magnificent Andrew Williams and the ageless Dwight Yorke!" Ignoring rustling in the nearby bushes, Smith continued to ejaculate: "I mean, come on! We will finally be able to put up a strong fight against Mexico and the US, and forget about those punks in Costa Rica for sure. Hey, I'm going to call my ag...rr.g.rgghhhhh"

It was at this moment that the conversation between our informant and Smith was cut short by what appeared to be a poison-tipped dart to the carotid artery. Smith was rushed by Revolution training staff members to the clubhouse. We anxiously await news of his condition.

As new information is available, we will inform you, dear readers, of the developments. Unfortunately, many of our sources in the Caribbean have gone missing. Now, what's this wire doing sticking our of our gas tank?

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