07 August 2008

MOVING: Buffalo Bills to BMO Field

Rating: 1.0527 (current exchange rate)
MLS Rumors² has learned that the Buffalo Bills are considering a move to Toronto's BMO Field - a development that would certainly put more strain on relations between BMO Field and its current tenant, Toronto FC.

A source close to the negotiations, who requested anonymity, sent us the following:
The move makes sense for the Bills. Buffalo has some decent food, but that's about it. Just about the only businesses left are the ones in the mall, and 90% of their customers are Canadians. Plus, the Looney is so strong right now, we only need to add 10,000 seats to make more money than we can in Buffalo.

Of course, they'll have to change the team name. Right now, they're planning to change it to "Toronto Bills FC"...of course, this means that TFC will have to change their name to "Toronto Soccer Club," to avoid confusion, you understand, but the lawyers already have that particular detail worked out.

Plus, they absolutely love the rock-hard turf. It's even harder than the green concrete they play on at Orchard Park. Rest assured, the Bills organization will do whatever it takes to ensure that the turf stays as hard as possible. They're even planning to bring in their groundskeeper from Rich Stadium, William "Concrete Willie" MacMoran to make sure the turf is, as Willie likes to say, "as hard and cold as a Scotsman's Skean dhu."

Bills Head Groundskeeper "Concrete Willie" MacMoran

Among the many improvements the Bills plan to add to BMO Field:

* a bigger jumbotron and louder P.A. system
* tighter, more "family-friendly" security
* U.S. anthem to be played before every event at BMO
* First choice of all dates for use of stadium
* 4 TFC games per season to be played at Ralph Wilson stadium in Orchard Park, New York, to allow the Bills to host events such as the X Games
* South End stands to be replaced with "Fan Zone" - "The fan-friendliest fan zone in the history of fan zones!" according to our source.
* All Carlsberg and other beer to be replaced with Coors Light, "SAB Molson Coors' finest product, really, and a symbol of the greatness that can be achieved when Canadian and American corporations work together as a team."

When asked to comment on what effects such a move would have on the CFL Argonauts, our source replied, "I'm sorry, who?"

2 comments:

dadman said...

Wow, if the Bills can just tap into the passion that is the BMO support (especially with that "fan-frendliest fan zone in the history of fan zones" AND the peace-of-mind tighter security gives ALL fans), they may have to reconsider their proud tradition of underachieving.

The mind boggles.

Anonymous said...

When did MLS Rumors become The Onion? Great post man. Keep up the funny.