06 August 2008

SuperHeist: a Ringer for the Ringer

Good times at Applebee's! It's a Whole New Neighborhood!

Well well well...as SuperLiga '08 wrapped up last night, MLS Rumors² finally got to the bottom of the stolen bounty. Early yesterday evening, we had the following IM chat with The Dude:
The Dude: I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this payoff, we got the kidnappers all mad at us, and Vergara, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn't do anything, huh?
MLS Rumors²: Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic...
The Dude: No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't fucking want her back! He no longer digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a shit about his million bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The asshole was hoping that they would kill her! We threw out a ringer for a ringer!

Later in the evening, The Dude wore a digital recorder while confronting the Big Vergara. Here's a partial transcript:
The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.'
The Big Vergara: Well, aren't you?
The Dude: Well... yeah.

So there you have it: it turns out that the million dollars was never really there. Not to fear, though! We've heard from an inside source that, because last night's final ran through extra time and 8 rounds of penalty kicks, Revs players will be entitled to an additional bonus! In an upcoming press release, The Don has the following to say: "The players are getting a pretty darn good payday for five games, and we wanted to pro-rate that because of the extraordinary length of last night's final. Therefore, as a token of our appreciation for their hard work in earning league owners $850,000 that otherwise would have gone to Mexican players, we're providing an added bonus to the SuperLiga Champion New England Revolution of a $1,500 coupon to Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 990 Providence Highway in Walpole, Mass. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! The team is free to divide this up any way they choose, so if they want to give Jay Heaps less, that's fine with the league."

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