Investigation: Chivas USA Plans Deception

Chivas USA’s start to the season has been less than exemplary. According to Internet stories, the team is looking to rebound and get onto a winning track. However, in conversations with sources that have been in the LA area, Chivas USA has something nefarious planned to improve their league position. Chivas USA plans on replacing their players with those from Chivas Guadalajara in upcoming matches!

Already, several of the players have been working on looking more like their doppelgangers from Mexico, including Sacha Kljestan, who has reportedly started an intensive tanning program. Additionally, the team has tapped special effects and make up experts from nearby Hollywood to complete the effect.

According to one source, the team will “go the extra mile. We’ve all seen how in Hollywood films guys can look like exact duplicates with some clever use of rubber face masks and facial reconstruction. We have also not ruled out a full facial transplantation a la Face Off.”

What is not known is if those players taking part in this sinister infiltration would be eligible for the World Cup squads of either the US or Mexico. For example if Doppelganger Kljestan suddenly gets hot and scores a couple goals and sets up a bunch of goals, would Bob Bradley be able to tap him for the US. Also, no word is available as to if the entire Chivas USA team will spend their time hiding out in Guam or Fiji or just disappear into the Los Angeles Underground to fight for justice when no one else can help and they can be found.

INTRIGUE :: Domino Effect

Rating :: 3

In a startling move, Domino Sugar has made a political play over the upcoming FIFA World Cup CONCACAF Region Second Round Group Stage qualifying match between these United States of America and Cuba. Leadership at the company has reportedly demanded, via CIA pouch, that the match not be played unless a guarantee of at least 6 defections can be delivered to corporate HQ by kickoff time (7:00 PM) on matchday (Oct. 11). Representatives of the company declined requests for comment. Multiple bartenders in Baltimore watering holes near the Domino Factory in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods of South Baltimore have provided MLSRumors² with some juicy scoopage on the rumored move.

According to Lucky, from Patapsco, who incidentally got that nickname from playing the ponies down at Pimlico, top brass at the factory have been making noise about their desire to see "a couple more Galindos playing in the MLS." Lucky also tells us that one of the managers mentioned some bitterness by some of the old timers at the company about Castro's seizure of sugar plantations in Cuba following the revolution led by himself and World Armchair Revolutionary Logo Merchandising Icon™ Ernesto "Che" Guevara in the late 50s.

It remains to be seen what will happen at RFK Stadium on Saturday evening. Will USSF bow to pressure from the Sugar giant? We shall see.

Fed to buy Thornton's contract: "Too big to fail"

WASHINGTON, DC, 19 September, 2008:
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson today announced that the U.S. government would use taxpayer funds to purchase the contract of Chivas USA goalkeeper Zach "What Pies, Bitch?" Thornton.

"Some goalkeepers really are too big to fail, and that's the way it is," said Doug Logan, a former Major League Soccer commissioner who is now at the Brookings Institution in Washington. "There are no good options."

Thornton: Too Big To Fail

Thornton's GAA recently surged to 1.76 - higher than even that of namesake Zach "Son of Near-Post Tony" Wells, who "boasts" a 1.65 GAA. "It's just mind-boggling that someone has a higher goals-against average than Wells," marveled Logan. "I mean, seriously...my mind is boggled. The feds really have no choice but to bail Thornton out. He's, what, 250? 260? Way, way to big to fail."

In a related development, Paulson indicated that the government would not be stepping in to stop the failure of the aforementioned Zach Wells. "We have to draw the line somewhere, and at this point, frankly, Wells just doesn't seem to be worth saving."