Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson today announced that the U.S. government would use taxpayer funds to purchase the contract of Chivas USA goalkeeper Zach "What Pies, Bitch?" Thornton.
"Some goalkeepers really are too big to fail, and that's the way it is," said Doug Logan, a former Major League Soccer commissioner who is now at the Brookings Institution in Washington. "There are no good options."
Thornton: Too Big To FailThornton's GAA recently surged to 1.76 - higher than even that of namesake Zach "Son of Near-Post Tony" Wells, who "boasts" a 1.65 GAA. "It's just mind-boggling that someone has a higher goals-against average than Wells," marveled Logan. "I mean, seriously...my mind is boggled. The feds really have no choice but to bail Thornton out. He's, what, 250? 260? Way, way to big to fail."
In a related development, Paulson indicated that the government would not be stepping in to stop the failure of the aforementioned Zach Wells. "We have to draw the line somewhere, and at this point, frankly, Wells just doesn't seem to be worth saving."