05 June 2015

Rumor: DC United Owners Meet With Charles Town, WV Officials

Charles Town, West Virginia, June 5, 2015

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that DC United ownership has recently been conducting meetings with officials of Charles Town, WV, to discuss the possibility of opening a new, soccer-specific stadium and training center as part of the Hollywood Casino at Charles Town Races development.

Said one anonymous team official, "We realized that we just couldn't rely 100% on [Virginia governor Terry] McAuliffe to sabotage our deal with the District, so we decided we needed to pursue other options.  The possibility of building a new stadium so close to our Martinsburg fanbase, while at the same time being able to incorporate not just slot machines, but actual table games, such as blackjack and Texas hold 'em, into our game-day in-stadium experience?  Talk about maximizing game day revenue streams!  It's just too good a possibility not to explore further.  I mean, it's not like we've got a stadium deal already in place, because there is very clearly a 'no no-backsies' clause in our agreement with the District.  Plus, we were totally crossing our fingers behind our backs when we signed that deal."

Future home of DC United?

Another senior team official added, "Look, let's be clear, we don't give a rat's ass about anything other than maximizing our return when we sell the team to whatever energy drink company or random emirate can pony up the most cash in a few years, and we're going to do whatever it takes to achieve maximum return on a minimum investment.  I mean, have you seen our payroll?  Around here, 'DP' stands for 'Don't Pay...as in we Don't Pay shit!'"

When asked for comment regarding the team's possible relocation to West Virginia, United head coach Ben Olsen replied, "Dude, wait...what?"

Loudoun County officials were blindsided by United's meetings with Charles Town.  "What the hell?!" said one official, who requested anonymity because Steven Skragmore is a really, really unique name, and everyone would know it was him if we used it.  "We had a handshake deal in place to replace the written deal they have in place with DC!  What kind of backstabbing shenanigans is this?  Who the hell do these guys think they are?  This isn't fair!  DC United belongs in Virginia, not some podunk hicktown in West Virginia with nothing but cow patties and gambling!  Wait, you're not going to use my name, right?  Because I wouldn't want to piss off a whole state that can't even get non-contaminated drinking water right..."

District of Columbia mayor Muriel Bowser was in a meeting with Bruce Allen and Dan Snyder, and was unavailable for completely fabricated comment.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So is ther truth to the rumor that McHenry, Maryland is in talks with United ownership about a stadium deal at Wisp resort? I mean, vertical integration on a ski slope-think of the leverage! Like the Sacrecrow before Dorothy arrived in Ozma, it's a no-brainer!