28 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates VI: Portland

Yeah, it's that cool.
Ah, the City of Roses! (Then again, Baltimore is "Charm City," so I wouldn't be surprised to discover that there aren't, in fact, any roses in Portland at all.) Home of one of the top supporters groups in that portion of North America that lies above the Rio Grande, the Timbers Army. Does Portland have what it takes to merit an MLS expansion side? Let's find out...

Dining: 4 A city that takes its food seriously. We thought about awarding a bonus point for Portland's alleged status as a mecca for vegetarians, but we love ourselves some meat, so we didn't.
Entertainment: 4 Bonus point for live music scene.
Site-Seeing: 4 Half a bonus point for a lively arts scene, and half a bonus point for outdoorsy-type shit, which some people might want to take in.
"Entertainment": 4 Bonus point because one of the hottest women this blogger went to college with spent a couple of years moonlighting as an "entertainer" in Portland...or maybe it was Seattle...whatever...[pauses to dial up "Centerfold" on iPod]
Drinking: 5 Mmmmmmm...beer. Beer in brewpubs. Beer in movie theaters. Yummy, yummy, malty, hoppy beer. Gallons and gallons of The Good Stuff. Certified top-notch brew. None of that Beer-Like Product they pawn off on the vulgar masses in St. Louis. Real f'ing beer. More breweries than Cologne, Germany. Mentioned by the late, great Michael Jackson (the sane one) as a candidate for Beer Capital of the World. If that's not worth 5 points, nothing is.
Climate: 4 Bonus point for relative lack of summer humidity (compared to, say, Miami, Houston, DC, or Atlanta).

Oh! Looks like Portland is tied with Vancouver with 25 points...

But wait! We're awarding one Big Rob Bonus Point for proximity to the Emerald Triangle! Which means...

Final Score: 26 out of 30! We have a new front-runner


BigRob said...

Back when I suckered into being a degenerate soccer fan, Portland was known as "Soccer City USA" for our love of the "real" Timbers (anyone remember "Green is the color, Soccer is our game, We're the Portland Timbers and Wining is our aim"?--my brother still has the 45)and I still have a team photo from I think 76.

Anyway, I don't where that tangent was headed--though i knew several "entertainers" in Portland, though this was bit earlier than EdtheRed's friend.

Ok well none of this is on point but I think the choice is clear that Portland is #1 for expansion--if for no other reason than my family owns several houses in or near Portland so we all have a free place to stay for away matches.

Add to that killer weed and the most microbrews in America (and by the way being American ought to get you points in the American soccer league) and you have an unbeatable combination.

damn i'm rambling like Admiral Stockdale.

John Waters said...

I got your Charm right here buddy.

EdTheRed said...

Easy there, hon! ;-)