31 July 2008

Rapids FO to Institute "Logan's Run" Attendance Policy

Rating: 4.0 (perfect in a pre-grade inflation world)

In a move reminiscent of the classic Sci-Fi thriller Logan's Run, starting with the 2009 MLS season, the Colorado Rapids front office will institute a "maximum age" requirement for all fans attending Rapids home games at DICK'S Sporting Goods Park. MLS Rumors Rumors has obtained the following internal KSG memo regarding the change in policy:
All season ticket holders, as well as walk-up customers, will have a crystal implanted in the palm of their right hands. That crystal will be yellow for all customers under age 7, blue for all customers from 7-14, and red for all customers 14-21. On each customer's 21st birthday, or "Lastday," their crystal, or "lifeclock," will turn black, and they will be banned from DICK'S until either 1) they turn 65, or 2) they have at least two children, at which point they will be able to return to DICK'S, as long as all of their children have appropriate lifeclocks.

DICK'S security has been instructed to seek out and eject all customers with black palm flowers who are not accompanied by at least two minors. Customers who run will be taken to the KSG Sleepshop for "sleepytime."

A second source from inside KSG has provided MLS Rumors Rumors with the following statement, scrawled on the back of a Flying Dog coaster:
Sometime in 2009...
the survivors of Clavijo, overzealous security and mediocrity are attending matches in a great semi-enclosed stadium, sealed away from the forgotten world outside. Here, in a family-friendly environment, mankind lives only to sit and be entertained, freed by the jumbotron and PA system which provide all atmosphere.

There's just one catch:
Life must end at 21 unless reborn in the fiery ritual of Carousel.

Send help.

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