Garber: Revs, Chivas "Not Tired Enough;" SuperLiga '09 to Double in Size

Reached from his secret volcano lair, MLS Commissioner Don "The Don" Garber today told MLS Rumors² that he was disappointed in the performance of both New England and Chivas USA in their recent CONCACAF Champions League qualifiers. "Frankly, I expected them to lose by more than they did. It's a disappointment. We set the schedule up the way we did - SuperLiga, playing on international dates, loading the league schedule towards the end of the season - so that these guys would fail miserably, and maybe shut the hell up about the missing $850,000 in SuperLiga money. And what do they do? Sure, they go and lose to a couple of minnows, but they didn't get *crushed.* The Revs in particular really need to be taken down a peg. I'm disappointed, but we'll come back next year with a bigger, longer, SuperLiga. That ought to do the trick."

The Don then added, "Thank god Cruz Azul are in DC United's group. That oughta be good for another 5-0 beatdown in Mexico City, right?"

EXCLUSIVE: New Gomito Country Song!

Ask not for whom la Barra sings. It sings for thee.

MLS Rumors² has an exclusive for you! A confidential inside source just sent us the lyrics to Christian Gomez' hawt new country tune, "Commerce City Blues" - check it out:

I hear la Barra singin'
They're bouncing in the stands
And I ain't seen 90 minutes since I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Commerce City, and time keeps draggin' on
But those fans keep a singin' on down in Wash-ing-ton...
When I was just a baby my mama said, "Christian,
Always be a good boy, don't ever make demands."
But I ended up a Rapid just for an extra year
When I hear those fans a singin', I hang my head in tears...

I bet there's players playin' in a fancy tournament
They're probably speakin' Spanish and can't hear my lament.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can't be free
But those fans keep a singin'
And that's what tortures me...

Well if they freed me from the Big Dick,
If la Barra sang for me
I bet I'd move it on right back to Washington, D.C.
Far from Commerce City, that's where I want to stay
And I'd let la Barra Brava sing my blues away...

Goff sprains finger; out 3-4 weeks

Goff: not immune from DC's injury plague

The injury bug that has plagued DC United all season spread into the press box this Saturday, as ace Washington Post staff writer and Legendary Soccer Insider Steven "Goff" Goff sprained his left ring finger. He is currently expected to miss 3-4 weeks, but is flying to Munich, Germany today to consult with legendary surgeon Dr. Ulrike Muschaweck. In his absence, his slot will be filled by backup Paul Tenorio.

MLS Rumors² caught up with Goff on his way to Dulles airport: "It's a bit of a blur, but I think I sprained it typing the 's' in 'shutout'. I just haven't had to type that word much this season, and I think the long layoff really hurt me." When asked if this was all just a boondoggle to finagle a trip to Munich, Goff replied: "This interview is over."

U.S. gets first-ever qualifying win at Guatemala; Bradley greeted at airport by pitchfork-wielding mob

Following the first-ever qualifying win by the U.S. at Guatemala, Bob Bradley arrived stateside this morning to an angry mob of pitchfork and torch-wielding fanatics calling for his head. MLS Rumors² held its nose and ventured into the BigSawker post-match thread so you don't have to, and we came away with some insight into what those angry villagers are thinking (remember folks, these are actual quotes from actual BigSawker posters):

"Bob Bradley needs to be punched in the face by every single USA player who put his time in..."

"Fire Bradley"

"our players, fans, and alumni deserve better than what Bradley gave us tonight"

"Bradley's system makes Donovan invisible"

"Bob Bradley needs to learn every game against any team in CONCACAF, becides for Mexico is a MUST WIN, and most of the time a very easy win if we play to our potential."

"Bob Bradley: What the hell? Do you seriously just want us to fail?"

"BRADLY MUST GET THE F OUT OF THERE NOW. HELL I'LL TAKE MIKE SORBER AS COACH OVER THIS FREAKIN IDIOT WE HAVE NOW. BRADLEY MUST GO I HOPE NEW COACH NEVER CALLS UP MIKE BRADLEY EVER AGAIN"

"bradley is too mediocre a coach to be at the helm of our national program."

"Bradley needs to go, we are better than this defensive and fearful approach and if we want to improve we need to take the game to other teams and not be scared of our opponents or it will be another three and out."

"the bottom line is that bob bradley can coach us to victories against mediocre teams with sub-par tactics and talent -- but when it comes to the big stage, we are consistently underwhelming."

"Bradley has shown a wonderful inability to learn from past lessons."

"I honestly cannot believe Bradley has ever watched a soccer match above the MLS level or that we play with the tactical sophistication of an NCAA team - by design! Its embarassing."

MMMMMMMMMMM, that's good hatin' right there. Have a cheeto for me, "lads."

INCOMING: Ruiz, T.O. to Toronto

Rating: None of your damn business. What? What?

In an attempt to consolidate all of MLS' bad boys on one SuperClub, TFC today announced the signing of both Carlos "El Pescadito" Ruiz and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "T.O." Owens. Owens will fill TFC's designated player slot.

T.O.: TO Bound?

"It's just a natural fit," said Toronto Manager "Trader" Mo Johnston. "We cannae set a record for red cards without brining in some new blood. Puttin' these lads together wi' Amado [Guevara], it's a guarantee someone'll go aggro at least once a match. I'm talkin' absolutely fookin' radge, man."

When asked why on earth he would be interested in setting such a record, Johnston spat, then proclaimed, "That wee git Nicol said I couldnae do it, and I've a mind tae prove him wrong."

Owens held a press conference in his driveway, where he did numerous sit-ups while his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, explained that this move was all part of a plan to "expand the T.O. brand."