RUMOR: DC To Play 11 More League Games, Open Cup Final

WASHINGTON, DC, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has learned via multiple sources that, in addition to their upcoming meaningless friendly Match Of The Century against ReAL Real Madrid, DC United may also play as many as eleven more league fixtures between August 1st and October 24. Opponents have not yet been announced, but are believed to include league leading Houston Dynamo, the Los Angeles Galaxy Feat. David Beckham, and defending champions Columbus Crew. In a major blow to United's title hopes, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey Brought To You By Red Bull are not believed to be on the list.

Additionally, one source, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that United will play in the final of something called the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup, possibly in early September, and probably against a USL side, since, according to our source, "United only ever plays USL teams in the Open Cup."

RUMOR: Seattle, Toronto to Form Breakaway League

Goodbye MLS, Hello PMS?

SEATTLE, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has received word from a local bartender/part-time hairdresser that Seattle Sounders FC and Toronto FC are on the verge of breaking away from MLS to start a new "Premier Major Soccer" league. According to our source:

I was serving appletinis and pints of Poseur's Pale Ale to a bunch of guys from the Sounders front office, and they started bragging about this new league their gonna form. This one guy was all, "The rest of the league is just a f'ing joke, man. They're really dragging our whole organization down. As soon as TFC commits to expanding their stadium, we're gonna split off from the MLS and form the PMS. Maybe we'll add Philly, Portland, and Vancouver as expansion teams in a year or two. The PMS will be massive. We don't want the MLS to ride the coattails of our success." I asked him if Seattle would still participate in the U.S. Open Cup, and he was like, "Only if the USSF will send us a formal letter of apology for letting DC United host the final this year, and then commit to letting us host every round of all future tournaments. It's only fair."

Warner: No Corruption In USSF

Port-Of-Spain, Trinidad: CONCACAF Chairman "Diamond" Jack Warner today vehemently denied reports of possible corruption within the USSF. "I can assure you, there is absolutely no corruption in the USSF. They are run as legally and as efficiently as my travel agency, Diamond Jack's Footy Tours. Diamond Jack's: when you just can't get tickets any other way! They are a bunch of racists, though."

We're Back, Bitches!

Miss us much? You know you did. We know you did. The people at home know you did. Well, you're in luck, because even though we wish we could quit you, we can't. We're off the wagon and back on the Crazy Train. Aww yeah, we've got $240 worth of pudding, and when we're done whispering sweet nothings to it, we're gonna get back to posting.

If anyone is still there: You're on notice.

Pretty In Rossoneri, Pt. 1

The on-again, off-again, will he or won't he saga of David Beckham's Italian Job was giving us some serious deja vu...so we dug back into the archives and realized we'd seen this all before, in John Hughes' 1986 coming-of-age classic, Pretty In Pink. We've taken the liberty of updating Hughes' masterpiece, which we are presenting to you, our lucky, lucky readers, in serial form, beginning right here, right now, with Part 1 of John Hughes soon-to-be classic, Pretty In Rossoneri:


Landon: Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, wake up! Morning, Bruce. Come on, wake up! Wake up! Come on, wake up. There's your coffee right there.

Bruce: Where am I?

Landon: Here, I want you to drink this. Then take a shower and get dressed. Your clothes are there. Then I want you to see the scouts about the new signings. Today. You promised.

Bruce: I know. What would I do without you nagging me all the time?

Landon: You really want me to answer that?

Bruce: Yeah, I've been gettin' in kinda late lately. We haven't had a chance to talk.

Landon: Don't worry about it. There hasn't been a lot to say.

Bruce: Is everything all right with you?

Landon: Yeah.

Bruce: Is Germany good?

Landon: No, but it never is.

Bruce: Have you been asked for a permanent transfer?

Landon: No. Not yet.

Bruce: When was the last time I told you how beautiful you are?

Landon: About yesterday.

Bruce: Turn around.

Landon: What?

Bruce: You know what. Let me see this outfit. Is this your latest creation?

Landon: This is it.

Bruce: My God, what did that cost you?

Landon: About $20 for the shoes, second-hand, and I made the rest.

Bruce: Unbelievable. I was thinking maybe that you could do something with this. Maybe put some ruffles here...

Landon: Come on, get up! Really, I mean it. This means a lot to me.

Bruce: I am perfectly happy with what I'm doing.

Landon: Perfectly happy coaching a shit MLS side that hasn't even made the playoffs since 2007?

Bruce: No. That's why I'm getting up.

Landon: OK. I'll make you some breakfast.

Bruce: I'm up.