MLS appeal for sanctions on FIFA

According to rumors surrounding MLS HQ, at a meeting between MLS Supremo Don Garber and US Vice President Dick Cheney, Garber has asked the United States government to levy sanctions against the Swiss-based FIFA. Why you might ask? Everyone knows there are questionable the practices at Football's governing body and that many people dislike the running of the organization, but sanctions do seem a bit out of place. The spat is due to FIFA's unwillingness to accomodate MLS' schedule in their plans for qualification. According to Garber, MLS cannot take a break for FIFA dates, so they lobbied for FIFA to reconsider their international dates. In response, Sepp Blatter told MLS officials that their request was not helpful to the promotion of all things FIFA.

Blatter: MLS is not doing all it can to promote FIFA.

MLS officials then held an internal meeting determine their next course of action. After review of US policy on countries and organizations that do not cave to the US way of thinking, MLS decided to begin their retaliation by imposing sanctions, having exhausted diplomatic efforts. However, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that this is not all that Garber has for options. According to a source in the document replication and disposal unit of MLS HQ, Garber has already reached out to people about putting together a commando raid on FIFA HQ and has investigated joining the G-14 clubs (i.e. the now 18 or more European clubs that want to break from UEFA to earn more money in a European Super League instead of domestic competitions) and has talked about having a word with "Diamond" Jack. Stay tuned here for updates on this developing rumor.

Rumor: DC United to send Richmond Kickers to Mexico

MLS Rumors² has learned that DC United plans to sign the entire roster of USL-2 side Richmond Kickers to developmental contracts, in order to send the Kickers to Mexico City to face Mexican power Cruz Azul in a CONCACAF Champions League match. According to an employee of a Maggie Moo's in downtown Washington, DC:

KP [Kevin Payne, natch] was in here this morning, and he was ranting about the Champions League. He said, "Goddammit, the [radio edit] Islanders are 2-0, and f'ing Montreal got a draw against Atlante...I mean, I'm sick of this [poop]! You know what? You know what? If the USL is so [flibber-gibbered] great, why don't we just sign the [schpadoinkle] Kickers, and send them to Mexico instead! Hey, wait a minute...You taking this down, Sheldon?"

BREAKING: MLS Rumors Rumors to suspend blogging to deal with Champions League crisis

WASHINGTON, DC, 25 September, 2008:

My friends, it has come to this. Our country today faces an unprecedented crisis. Without the passage of emergency legislation forking over hundreds of billions of dollars to people who have recently been responsible for the loss of hundreds of billions of dollars, our very way of life could collapse.

Therefore, my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that I have chosen to suspend blogging operations and travel across town to the Capitol to ensure that we don't spiral into a Second Great Depression.

My country has called, my friends, and I must answer.

INCOMING: Lalas to Columbus

Rating: 3.0 (one for every club Alexi has trashed)

MLS Rumors² has learned that, in a shock move, the Columbus Crew will soon be announcing the hiring of Alexi Lalas as president, GM, Director of Football Operations, and "Lord High Everything Else". According to our source, a bartender at a Columbus area Applebee's:

Things have been going so well, the bigwigs up at corporate are afraid the team might start turning a profit again. The last time that happened, they had to dump McBride and bring in Andrulis to keep their tax write-off in the red. They really thought they had things figured out with Sigi, but then the damn team started winning, and then needed a Plan B. They figured, hey, no one is better at killing franchises than Alexi...I mean, NO ONE. So they called him up, and, surprise surprise, he was available.

Lalas the Clown: Ohio-bound?

Crew officials did not respond to our requests for comment.

Who is behind the MLS competition committee?

It is hard to understand the inner workings of the MLS HQ, who's on the staff, what decisions do they make, does Don Garber really not believe in casual Fridays, who thought the SuperLiga was a good idea? But no committee is more mysterious than the competition committee. This cabal of insiders determines the fixture lists, the various competitions and qualifications for those competitions (i.e. who decides that the 7 April meeting between San Jose and Salt Lake City is also the US Open Cup qualifier even if there are no official qualifiers for the US Open Cup or who gets the Concacaf Champions Cup spots), and created the SuperLiga tournament. I know many an MLS fan would like to kick them in the teeth (or perhaps a bit lower).

But thanks to the hard work and dedication of New York bartender's cooperative, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that no less a secretive and insidious organization than the Knights Templar runs the MLS Competitive Committee! Yes that secret society of medieval knights that has been involved with many a conspiracy theory throughout the ages, from Swiss Banking to the hiding of the Holy Grail to plaguing monarchs to pay their debts to satanic practices to witch hunts. So when it comes to kicking them in the teeth (or a bit lower), you may want to think twice before taking on these guys.