Next Time, On Rookie Life: FAIL

Well then.

H/T The Mighty Insider

Dear PETA: When You're Done Protesting Michael Vick

...Please save this poor cat:

Satirists Union Applies "Mercy Rule" To Red Bulls

NEW YORK, 17 August, 2009: In the wake of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison New Jersey's MLS-record 13th consecutive league match without a win (16 in all competitions), a 2-0 home loss to Chivas EEUU, the International Brotherhood of Satirists (I.B.S.) announced today that it was applying an obscure rule to prevent further satire of RBNYRBOHNJ for the remainder of the season.

Known as the "Mercy Rule," or the "Clippers Rule," Section 8.06 of the Union's guidelines prevents "any additional satire directed at a team that, having lost so badly, so consistently, and in such novel ways that effective parody is no longer possible." The only previous instance of an MLS team even being considered for the Clippers Rule was in 1999, when, while doing business as the Metrostars, the current RBNYRBOHNJ set what was thought at the time to be an unbreakable record for futility. However, the I.B.S. Executive Committee decided not to apply the Clippers Rule at that time, based on the relatively brief existence of the franchise. "They just didn't have the history of failure back then," one I.B.S. insider told MLS Rumors Rumors over rounds of Yuengling at a too-trendy-by-half "dive bar" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

This time around, according to I.B.S. spokeswoman Candace Stringer, "the team's current ineptitude on the field, combined with the absolutely mystifying work being done by the front office, and the team's 14-season history of spectacular failure really makes continued comedy at their expense impossible. The I.B.S. has decided to invoke the Clippers Rule to prevent its members from the embarrassing likelihood that their best efforts will be overshadowed by the horrifically hilarious reality of the situation."

RUMOR: Seattle Sounders midfielder on the way to Benfica?

It has come to our attention that God's gift to MLS, the Seattle Sounders, may soon be without a beloved crowd favorite leftover from USL/A-League/various minor leagues of not much note. Through a source (which we will not identify) served by an Ibiza bartender who once scored with Mike's neighbor's daughter while her suburbothug friends flashed gang signs, we have learned that none other than Sebastian LeToux is heading to Benfica.

After doing some digging, we found this item on the Benfica team site. We at MLSRumors² are not such cunning linguists that we can decipher the byzantine Portuguese language, but it seems pretty clear that "Seba" is on his way to the Iberian peninsula. It is not clear if the transfer will go into effect now or in the winter transfer window. Seattle attendance kings will be concerned that the full emotional ejaculation of a possible Open Cup championship will be weakened if this symbol of continuity is not with the team. LeToux would, of course, applaud the 25,000 rave green clad supporters whom will descend upon RFK to show DC United "how its done".

Stay tuned, remember, today's rumor is tomorrow's headline!

That's harsh Sunil