26 August 2009

United Matchday: Seven Drunken Cup Matches

In honor of tonight's marquee tilt between DC United and Toluca de Mexico, we reprint the timeless Irish-American drinking song, Seven Drunken Cup Matches:

As I got to RFK on a Monday night,
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Janicki playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Janicki's playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut!
No, you cannot see,
That's a hairy-chested Bulgarian
That KP signed for me!"

Well, for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But mutton chops on a Bulgarian
I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Tuesday night,
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied N'Silu slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why N'Silu's slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
You internet nut,
No you cannot see!
That's a new Brazilian striker
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a Brazilian from Kinshasa
Sure I've never seen before!

Even the RFK Stadium cats have to drink to cope with Cup nights.
As I got to RFK on a Wednesday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Kocic in between the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Kocic is standing 'tween the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's the brother of Troy Perkins
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a brother of Troy Perkins
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Thursday night
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied DiRaimondo playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me
Why DiRaimondo's playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's an Argentinian winger
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But an Argentinian from St. Louis
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Friday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Szetela in the midfield
Where Gomito should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Szetela is in the midfield
Where Gomito should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's a fit young Tico
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But a fit young Tico gasping for breath
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Saturday night
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Shipalane playing libero
Where Jaime Moreno should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's a guy named Tiyi
Where Jaime Moreno should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's Juan Sebastian Veron
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But la Brujita in a United kit
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Sunday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I spied Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's some lovely Murphy's
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But Murphy's the colour of donkey piss
Sure I've never seen before!

6 comments:

Revelation said...

To call you a genius is to insult your virtuosity of this work. I tip my hat to you.

Revelation said...

That should probably read:

"the virtuosity" and not "your virtuosity"

marybindc said...

*thunderous applause*

WV: detoon - to remove cartoon-like aspects

dadman said...

Aye, and I can't wait to hear Planxty record this live at Ireland's Four Provinces.

Brilliantness!

dcufan said...

I feel I have not done this fine piece of work justice by reading it while sober. It should be read with a drink in your hand to be sure.
Nice job.

BigKris said...

I agree - this is Teh Brilliance