Breaking: The MLS Changes Don Garber Did NOT Announce

We all know that MLS has many things in the works and they are trying to balance the people that follow soccer (or football, if you want the better known name) and the people that only come out because their little kids play recreation soccer and got free tickets. MLS headquarters has been all abuzz with new changes expected over the next few years to secretly appease the football aficionados without alienating the US American public (which to date really has ignored MLS, anyway...).

Top secrets Garber does not want you to know:

Promotion/Relegation

Yes, it is coming to MLS. However, because everyone knows that after paying a multi-million dollar franchise fee, the operator/owners are unwilling to be placed into a second division, MLS is working out a compromise, whereby the last place team in the stronger conference will be sent to the weaker conference and the top team in the weaker conference will be sent to the stronger conference. The strength of the conferences will be determined by the all-star balloting - the conference which sends more players to the All-Star game will judged the stronger.

Single Table

You might think with the above organization that MLS will forever neglect the single table, however, this is not the case. In all league announcements, the teams will be ranked in a single table. This ranking will have no bearing on the playoff set up, which will be done by conference. Thus it will be possible for the #5 ranked team to be the top seed in their conference.

End to the Eastern and Western Conferences

MLS has started to evaluate the need to change the format from East vs. West to North vs. South. According to team location evaluators Harvey Mason and George Dixon, there will be a line drawn somewhere across the US to divide things into North and South.

International Calendar

With the division of North and South, MLS will play a split schedule that aligns with the European schedule. All of the Southern Conference teams will host matches from October through March and the Northern Conference will host August/September and April/May. MLS Cup will become a fixture on Memorial Day Sunday at 8pm Eastern Daylight Time.

Supporters Shield

The league is debating providing more importance to the Supporters Shield winner. One proposal is that the winner will be allowed to have a roster depth and salary cap equivalent to the LA Galaxy for the season after winning.

Name Change

Major League Soccer is seriously considering changing their name to the La Premier Bundesliga.

Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

Rumors or Myth: Thierry Henry to DC United

According to Internet rumors, DC United may be lined up to secure the services of Thierry Henry. Why? Well, because frankly the team needs someone like him. He could probably score half a dozen goals off of counter-attacks before most DC United players cleared their penalty box. I'm not saying that DC United's style of play has been slow of late but I've seen glaciers that move the ball faster.

However, we here at MLS Rumors Rumors call BS on this particular rumor. Why? Because we have checked all of our sources from across the East Coast and find little to no indication that anyone is stocking up on French wine. We believe that just like many before him, Mr. Henry's agent and publicist and hair stylist are promoting these rumors in order to extract another European transfer for the famous striker. Without much playing time at Barcelona, Mr. Henry's headlines disappear but with a few well placed rumors about a potential MLS signing, he's back on the front of the tabloids.

If Thierry Henry does somehow make it to MLS, we feel it would be tough to not find him in LA, New Jersey, or Seattle rather than DC. How that works in the salary cap and allocation is quite irrelevant. When Thierry Henry calls, MLS is going to say "Yes sir. No problem, sir. We'd love to accomodate you, sir. Can we fluff you some more, sir?"

Breaking Update:
According to more Internet rumors, Barcelona will be willing to let Henry leave before the end of his contract... Inquiring minds will want to keep track of this because I could see Henry packing his luggage full of aging European and South American stars longing to breathe the free air of MLS...

Breaking: Portsmouth FC To the US

As everyone knows Portsmouth FC has a bit of financial trouble. What has become clear to us here at MLS Rumors Rumors is that Portsmouth is trying to get out from their debt crisis and bad decision making with a move across the Pond. What? Portsmouth FC moving to the US? In a word, yes.

According to a good authority, the club is hopeful that their move to the United States will allow them to be eligible for TARP funding because Portsmouth FC is "too big to fail". Portsmouth FC owe over £92 million to various unsecured creditors, which makes them a drop in the bucket for a financial bailout by the US Treasury.

Our sources believe that a Treasury official would say, "We all appreciate the trouble that comes from appearing to reward bad behaviour. We all know that we cannot just throw money at these people, who are in debt up over their heads. But! But, if we allow Portsmouth FC to fail, where will that leave MLS? Portsmouth FC cannot be allowed to fail for fear of causing all the unsecured debts held by MLS to become a cascade of payment calls that brings the entire system crashing down. We cannot look at our grandchildren in the face and tell them that we were responsible for the fifth most popular sport in the US to go the way of NASL."

Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey Suspected of Demon Worship

If you have ever been to the Red Bulls Park in Red Bulls Harrison, Red Bulls New Jersey, then you may have been affected. Fortunately aside from the opening day crowd that was kidnapped and bussed to the stadium, most people in northern New Jersey and all of New York remain safe. According to a rumored satellite photo, it is clear that a giant pentagram and thaumaturgic triangle are carved into the field at the newly opened grounds. This can only mean that Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey have engaged in demon worship and summoning. Our sources believe this explains their unexpected form and success in this new MLS season.

Artists rendition of the rumored demon raising in North Jersey - note that the RBNYRDoHNJ even got a pony in the blood sealed bargain.

MLS Rumorsrumors has been trying to investigate the rumors of rumors of virgin sacrifices and other rites for some significant time. According to Internet data, the team regularly meets in order to pay homage to their blood thirsty lords of the underworld. In exchange for providing human sacrifices and other gifts (apparently demons really like $30 gift cards to certain coffee chains that like to speak in tongues), the demons have promised to help the Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey in their quest for winning something meaningful or at least making the playoffs.

Know that if we fall off the face of the earth, it is because of the massive conspiracy of demon worshiping evil-doers from northern New Jersey and not because we have nothing to write for our site. They are totally at fault.

Investigation: End of MLS Playoffs?

MLS Rumors² is tracking down news that could fundamentally affect the results of this Major League Soccer season. We have it on some authority that Don Garber and company are considering cancelling the playoffs. According to one anonymous source, Don has said:

Look, we are still on the fence about this playoff thing. We had them early on in the league and then decided to cancel them from 2000 through 2002. In 2003, we brought them back but we are again reassessing the need.

Our crack reporters will stay on top of this developing story.

Top 10 Reasons Beckham wants to leave the Galaxy

David Beckham has MLS rules named after him. We hear that Don Garber refers to a part of his anatomy as his Beckham (no not that, his "sweet left foot"). But we all knew it was too good to last. So, we've uncovered the top 10 reasons that David Beckham wants to leave LA:

10) Tired of MLS commentators fawning over his every free kick.
9) Tired of Li'l Cobi dogging him about taking him to the club.
8) Tired of getting mugged by developmental players in the locker room.
7) Bruce Arena's habit of referring to himself in the 3rd person.
6) Tired of the 12 year old girls screaming his name at every Galaxy match - even if he isn't on the pitch or even in town.
5) Victoria keeps threatening to name the next kid, Redondo.
4) MLS plays in the summer, which is when all his buddies are relaxing in Mallorca.
3) While he loves the herb, he's not so sure about herbalife...
2) Abbey Okulaja.

And the number one reason:

While Alexis Lalas was always on about a "Super club", David really is getting tired of underoos...

Just in: Canadian Coalition to Bring Down MLS?

Former MLS executive Ivan Gazidis made some startling comments today in an undisclosed London pub. As previously reported in many news sources, the Montreal ownership group pulled their bid for an MLS team around the time of the MLS Cup (perhaps because they saw the league as besmirched with the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey reaching the final). Recently, the Vancouver bid seems to be headed for the same fate. Gazidis reportedly said that the teams were looking to form a coalition to build their own league. They are testing out names such as the Looney League and Major Soccer League. After the success of the Montreal in the CONCACAF Champions League Group stage and the failure of four three [ed.: whatevs, like we were paying attention, man] four [ed.: Toronto failed in Canadian qualifying, Chivas USA and NE failed in preliminary, and DC United didn't make it out of the group] MLS teams to either advance or even make the group stage, the Canadian Coalition is looking to form a stronger government league. The ownership groups believe that a Canadian run league would be stronger and more able to have international success.

"Canadians should know that these ownership groups lied to them. These guys said they would never form a coalition to bring down MLS and yet here they are launching a coup."

Obama to "Fix MLS"?

Although edited from the 60 Minutes discussion that aired on Sunday, President-Elect Barak Obama had a few things to say about other sports in addition to NCAA football. According to rumored sources, Mr. Obama is believed to be investigating the need to establish a task force to assist MLS in changing for the better. The list of changes are potentially divisive among the MLS fan base and include such long-term Bigsoccer.com debates as the viability of promotion and relegation, the use of a single table, and the elimination of the MLS Playoffs. We have it on good authority that Obama believes in the "purity" of the game and would like to bring rationality to MLS. "The elimination of the shoot out and the keeping of time on the field have been great steps forward but we need to look at bringing ourselves into line with the major leagues in Europe to forge greater alliances and improve our reputation."

In response, MLS Supremo Don Garber probably had this to say "Well, of course we welcome suggestions and comments from the President-elect. It is clear the American people like his policies on MLS and we are looking forward to working together. However, we already have a competition committee and hope that the President-elect's task force does not overstep our authority as a private enterprise."

MLS appeal for sanctions on FIFA

According to rumors surrounding MLS HQ, at a meeting between MLS Supremo Don Garber and US Vice President Dick Cheney, Garber has asked the United States government to levy sanctions against the Swiss-based FIFA. Why you might ask? Everyone knows there are questionable the practices at Football's governing body and that many people dislike the running of the organization, but sanctions do seem a bit out of place. The spat is due to FIFA's unwillingness to accomodate MLS' schedule in their plans for qualification. According to Garber, MLS cannot take a break for FIFA dates, so they lobbied for FIFA to reconsider their international dates. In response, Sepp Blatter told MLS officials that their request was not helpful to the promotion of all things FIFA.

Blatter: MLS is not doing all it can to promote FIFA.

MLS officials then held an internal meeting determine their next course of action. After review of US policy on countries and organizations that do not cave to the US way of thinking, MLS decided to begin their retaliation by imposing sanctions, having exhausted diplomatic efforts. However, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that this is not all that Garber has for options. According to a source in the document replication and disposal unit of MLS HQ, Garber has already reached out to people about putting together a commando raid on FIFA HQ and has investigated joining the G-14 clubs (i.e. the now 18 or more European clubs that want to break from UEFA to earn more money in a European Super League instead of domestic competitions) and has talked about having a word with "Diamond" Jack. Stay tuned here for updates on this developing rumor.

Invest in MLS?

You'd be surprised to hear those words just a few weeks ago, but according to sources participating in a European Teleconference with Video, the calls to IPO for MLS are getting louder. Afterall, with billionaire backers, various stadia (for both soccer and non-soccer events), and having only lost several hundred millions of dollars in 12 years of existence, MLS is doing better than many firms on Wall Street. Various large investors are looking for a place to hide their money where it will not evaporate overnight, as has been the case with Lehmann Brothers, AIG, Bear Sterns, and many others. Sources claim that although this could infuse a large amount of capital into MLS, Supremo Don Garber is skeptical. "We need to make sure that investors are in line with our expectations. We don't want a large sum of money floating around the league that could potentially lead to higher salaries for players. If we can keep investors on hold until after the collective bargaining with the Players Extortionists, we'll make sure to look poor for the arbitrator and be able to continue paying players less per game than I make in an hour. In fact, this answer has earned me more than most developmental players make."

US Star Fan Exits...

After weeks without a win and only dismal football on the horizon for the LA Galaxy, even long time superstar fan Drew Carey seems to be abandoning the team. When questioned by sources from the LA nightclub scene, Drew apparently said "Look I was already involved in a program where everything was made up and the points don't matter. I don't need to go to the Home Depot Center to see more of the same."

In a related note, AEG refused to comment on the rumor that the LA Galaxy was going to be leaving MLS to commit to a world wide tour with the New Jersey Generals Football Club.

UPDATED - Breaking: Pfizer New York?

It is hard to believe that Red Bull would be pulling out so soon, but according to a source at my local, who requested anonymity due to his/her position within/or not a Government or non-Governmental regulatory agency, Pfizer may be making a move into football (soccer for you diehard Americanish speakers). Pfizer New York would debut next season to replace Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey, sporting pale blue home jerseys and white away jerseys. Pfizer is currently in discussions with MLS brass about the sponsor name. According to sources, Pfizer is hopeful to promote their top brand of Viagra on the front of the home jersey instead of the corporate logo and other top brand of Lipitor on their away jerseys. MLS is worried about their premier sponsorships of unregulated supplement suppliers (i.e. Herbalife and Xango) being threatened by a real pharmaceutical company.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Like basically everything else on this site, this item is a parody. It's completely made up. Seriously. Also, I forgot to mention to my fellow contributors that my employer occasionally does work for the very very fine folks at Pfizer. So, yeah, this item is all in good fun. Love you guys. Love your products. I use Listerine™ every day, twice a day. Nothing beats a Luden™. I don't need Viagra™ yet, but it's good to know that it'll be there for me when the time comes. Also, you guys really shouldn't waste any money sponsoring anything to do with the New Jersey soccer franchise. Save your money for the Philly team. Or maybe Queens...but not Jersey. Leave Jersey to BMS - they deserve each other.]

UPDATE: According to source from the building trade working in my neighborhood, the deal is off. Garber is reported to have been worried that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey would be forced to carry a warning label indicating that anyone watching four hours of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey should seek immediate medical attention.

Montgomery League Soccer Announces $1M SuperDuperLiga!

Following in the successful footsteps of the $1 million SuperLiga, Montgomery League Soccer (MLS) has announced the launch of its very own "SuperDuperLiga," featuring Montgomery County's top four U-12 sides and four of the leading Mexican U-12 teams. A purse of $1 million has also been announced. MLS Rumors Rumors has obtained an advance copy of the MLS press release, reprinted in its entirety below:

BETHESDA - Montgomery League Soccer Commissioner Dan Graber together with the Commissioner of the Federación Mexicana de Fútbol Juvenil Division (Mexican Soccer Federation's First U-12 Division), Jesus de Maria, today announced the creation of SuperDuperLiga™, the preeminent youth club tournament in Montgomery County that will not only decide the best in, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, but will also award the heftiest winner's purse in North American youth soccer history.

Eight clubs - four each from the top flight leagues of Montgomery County and Mexico - will vie to determine a singular champion of, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, actually. The format, modeled after the SuperLiga, will include a group phase and a knockout phase with all games held at the Maryland SoccerPlex in Germantown, MD. SuperDuperLiga will be played between August 24 and September 29, 2008. In addition to the prestige of capturing this continental honor, the club that emerges as SuperDuperLiga champion will take home $1 million dollars in prize money, an unprecedented prize purse in North American soccer history.

"We are proud to announce the creation of SuperDuperLiga, which will quickly become one of the most prestigious international youth club soccer tournaments held in the United States," Graber said. "This tournament presents the most authentic competition between, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, and will bring out the passion and pride of fans in our hemisphere."

While competitive criteria will determine participants in future editions of SuperDuperLiga, the eight teams in the inaugural 2008 edition of SuperLiga were selected on an invitation-only basis: reigning Mexican U-12 champions Club America Juniors, Copa Sudamericana Juvenil holders CF Pachuca U-12, DF U-12 champion Monarcas Juniors and Chivacitas Guadalajara from Mexico; four-time Montgomery County champion Chevy Chase United, Western County champion FC Poolesville, two-time County Champions, Potomac Galaxy and the 2006 County champions, Germantown Dynamo will represent Montgomery County.

"Given the great soccer rivalry between the MoCo and Mexico, we strongly believe SuperDuperLiga will be a great international soccer tournament," said De Maria. "Featuring the top teams in both leagues, SuperLiga will become an instant favorite among the millions of soccer fans in Mexico and the several thousand in Montgomery County."

In a separate statement to MLS Rumors Rumors, however, Graber did note that, "Of course, if one of our MLS teams actually wins the SuperDuperLiga, they'll only receive $1,500 worth of coupons to the Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 21048 Frederick Rd in Germantown. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! You see, MLS is at financial risk in this tournament. We have to incur the costs of renting out the SoccerPlex. We are producing [for local access TV] some of these games. We have to fly teams in from Mexico. We are at risk. Part of the equation when you are taking in risk is to manage with your expenses and the winning team receiving the lion's share of the prize money is not something much different than in the actual SuperLiga."