INCOMING: Lalas to Columbus

Rating: 3.0 (one for every club Alexi has trashed)

MLS Rumors² has learned that, in a shock move, the Columbus Crew will soon be announcing the hiring of Alexi Lalas as president, GM, Director of Football Operations, and "Lord High Everything Else". According to our source, a bartender at a Columbus area Applebee's:

Things have been going so well, the bigwigs up at corporate are afraid the team might start turning a profit again. The last time that happened, they had to dump McBride and bring in Andrulis to keep their tax write-off in the red. They really thought they had things figured out with Sigi, but then the damn team started winning, and then needed a Plan B. They figured, hey, no one is better at killing franchises than Alexi...I mean, NO ONE. So they called him up, and, surprise surprise, he was available.

Lalas the Clown: Ohio-bound?

Crew officials did not respond to our requests for comment.

SuperHeist: a Ringer for the Ringer

Good times at Applebee's! It's a Whole New Neighborhood!

Well well well...as SuperLiga '08 wrapped up last night, MLS Rumors² finally got to the bottom of the stolen bounty. Early yesterday evening, we had the following IM chat with The Dude:

The Dude: I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this payoff, we got the kidnappers all mad at us, and Vergara, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn't do anything, huh?
MLS Rumors²: Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic...
The Dude: No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't fucking want her back! He no longer digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a shit about his million bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The asshole was hoping that they would kill her! We threw out a ringer for a ringer!

Later in the evening, The Dude wore a digital recorder while confronting the Big Vergara. Here's a partial transcript:

The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.'
The Big Vergara: Well, aren't you?
The Dude: Well... yeah.

So there you have it: it turns out that the million dollars was never really there. Not to fear, though! We've heard from an inside source that, because last night's final ran through extra time and 8 rounds of penalty kicks, Revs players will be entitled to an additional bonus! In an upcoming press release, The Don has the following to say: "The players are getting a pretty darn good payday for five games, and we wanted to pro-rate that because of the extraordinary length of last night's final. Therefore, as a token of our appreciation for their hard work in earning league owners $850,000 that otherwise would have gone to Mexican players, we're providing an added bonus to the SuperLiga Champion New England Revolution of a $1,500 coupon to Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 990 Providence Highway in Walpole, Mass. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! The team is free to divide this up any way they choose, so if they want to give Jay Heaps less, that's fine with the league."

Montgomery League Soccer Announces $1M SuperDuperLiga!

Following in the successful footsteps of the $1 million SuperLiga, Montgomery League Soccer (MLS) has announced the launch of its very own "SuperDuperLiga," featuring Montgomery County's top four U-12 sides and four of the leading Mexican U-12 teams. A purse of $1 million has also been announced. MLS Rumors Rumors has obtained an advance copy of the MLS press release, reprinted in its entirety below:

BETHESDA - Montgomery League Soccer Commissioner Dan Graber together with the Commissioner of the Federación Mexicana de Fútbol Juvenil Division (Mexican Soccer Federation's First U-12 Division), Jesus de Maria, today announced the creation of SuperDuperLiga™, the preeminent youth club tournament in Montgomery County that will not only decide the best in, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, but will also award the heftiest winner's purse in North American youth soccer history.

Eight clubs - four each from the top flight leagues of Montgomery County and Mexico - will vie to determine a singular champion of, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, actually. The format, modeled after the SuperLiga, will include a group phase and a knockout phase with all games held at the Maryland SoccerPlex in Germantown, MD. SuperDuperLiga will be played between August 24 and September 29, 2008. In addition to the prestige of capturing this continental honor, the club that emerges as SuperDuperLiga champion will take home $1 million dollars in prize money, an unprecedented prize purse in North American soccer history.

"We are proud to announce the creation of SuperDuperLiga, which will quickly become one of the most prestigious international youth club soccer tournaments held in the United States," Graber said. "This tournament presents the most authentic competition between, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, and will bring out the passion and pride of fans in our hemisphere."

While competitive criteria will determine participants in future editions of SuperDuperLiga, the eight teams in the inaugural 2008 edition of SuperLiga were selected on an invitation-only basis: reigning Mexican U-12 champions Club America Juniors, Copa Sudamericana Juvenil holders CF Pachuca U-12, DF U-12 champion Monarcas Juniors and Chivacitas Guadalajara from Mexico; four-time Montgomery County champion Chevy Chase United, Western County champion FC Poolesville, two-time County Champions, Potomac Galaxy and the 2006 County champions, Germantown Dynamo will represent Montgomery County.

"Given the great soccer rivalry between the MoCo and Mexico, we strongly believe SuperDuperLiga will be a great international soccer tournament," said De Maria. "Featuring the top teams in both leagues, SuperLiga will become an instant favorite among the millions of soccer fans in Mexico and the several thousand in Montgomery County."

In a separate statement to MLS Rumors Rumors, however, Graber did note that, "Of course, if one of our MLS teams actually wins the SuperDuperLiga, they'll only receive $1,500 worth of coupons to the Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 21048 Frederick Rd in Germantown. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! You see, MLS is at financial risk in this tournament. We have to incur the costs of renting out the SoccerPlex. We are producing [for local access TV] some of these games. We have to fly teams in from Mexico. We are at risk. Part of the equation when you are taking in risk is to manage with your expenses and the winning team receiving the lion's share of the prize money is not something much different than in the actual SuperLiga."