INCOMING: Lalas to take over ailing AIG

PAULSON: Lalas the right choice to create "SuperInsurer"

WASHINGTON, DC, November 19, 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from sources close to Treasury Secretary Henry "Uncle Hank" Paulson that the Bush administration is planning to appoint one of Venice Beach's most famous buskers, Alexi Lalas, as new CEO of ailing insurance giant AIG.

Some experts questioned the move. Said recent Nobel laureate Paul Krugman: "I thought the administration had set an unbeatable record for absurd appointments when they put a horse show official in charge of FEMA, but this? My god, man! Just because AIG sponsors some random English soccer team doesn't make this ginger hack qualified to run it! It's as good as a death sentence for AIG."

Paulson, however, was ebullient in his praise for the three-times over failed executive: "Alexi has just what it's going to take to turn AIG around. It's only a matter of time before he transforms it into the world's first SuperInsurer!"

When reminded that AIG was a "SuperInsurer" prior to its collapse, Paulson replied, "I resent the implication that I'm colluding with my former colleagues on Wall Street to short AIG!" When told that, in fact, no one had said anything of the sort, Paulson replied, "This conversation is over."

MLS Rumors² reached Lalas for comment near the Venice Pier, where he was strumming away on his guitar and singing various Sister Hazel songs as passersby shielded their children's eyes: "I am tremendously excited to be taking over at AIG! It's a natural fit for me, since I have prior experience at AEG, and that's only one vowel different! We're going to have the whole company selling sexy insurance by this time next year! Also, any rumors that we're considering moving corporate headquarters to Houston are completely unfounded."

When it was pointed out to Lalas that no such rumors existed, he replied, "Oh. Well then. It's hard to say what it is I see in you. Wonder if I'll always be with you. But words can't say, And I can't do enough to prove, it's all for you." At which point this blogger disgustedly threw a half-eaten cup of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream into Lalas' guitar case and slowly backed away.

INCOMING: Lalas to Columbus

Rating: 3.0 (one for every club Alexi has trashed)

MLS Rumors² has learned that, in a shock move, the Columbus Crew will soon be announcing the hiring of Alexi Lalas as president, GM, Director of Football Operations, and "Lord High Everything Else". According to our source, a bartender at a Columbus area Applebee's:

Things have been going so well, the bigwigs up at corporate are afraid the team might start turning a profit again. The last time that happened, they had to dump McBride and bring in Andrulis to keep their tax write-off in the red. They really thought they had things figured out with Sigi, but then the damn team started winning, and then needed a Plan B. They figured, hey, no one is better at killing franchises than Alexi...I mean, NO ONE. So they called him up, and, surprise surprise, he was available.

Lalas the Clown: Ohio-bound?

Crew officials did not respond to our requests for comment.

Leiweke: "We have to keep up with the RSLs of the league"

AEG President and CEO Tim Leiweke today issued statements regarding the recent dismissal, Trump-style, of GM Alexi Lalas and the more Rumsfeldian departure of head coach ("manager" in Euro-speak) Ruud Gullit. Regarding Gullit, Leiweke stated:

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time you we threw you right out
Gotta throw the blame around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more fooling around
Time to play sexy football
Better sign a defender
Else I'll wind up fired too

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time we threw you right out
Enough blame to go around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

Regarding the firing of Lalas, Leiweke was less lyrical, but no less direct:

With [Ruud] moving on, we believe that this is the right time to make more sweeping changes throughout the organization. Our commitment continues to be focused on not only finishing higher in the standings than Chivas and San Jose this and every season but to build a club capable of competing at the level of the league's elite teams, like Real Salt Lake - we have to keep up with the RSLs of the league. This decision [to relieve Alexi of his duties] is the right one for the organization, the right one for the players and the right one for our fans.

An MLS Rumors² reader spotted Lalas attempting to sell his collection of designer suits at a Los Angeles consignment shop, and overheard the Daywalker saying "I played in Serie A, you know. For reals, I did. Did you know I played guitar on an ESPN commercial once? It's all on my resume, so I'm sure I'll land another front office gig soon. Right? Right? Right?" Said our source, "I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was talking into a half-eaten Snickers bar, not a cell phone."

Galaxy Foursome Makes Pilgrimage to Emerald City

EMERALD CITY, OZ, Aug. 8, 2008: Seeking to pull their team out of the tailspin that threatens to leave their 2008 season in a smoking crater, four members of the Los Angeles Galaxy organization traveled to the Emerald City in search of assistance from legendary recluse, the Great and Powerful Anschutz.

The group consisted of Galaxy General Manager Alexi Lalas, Manager Ruud Gullit, forward Landon Donovan, and midfielder David Beckham. MLS Rumors² has learned that each group member is seeking specific assistance from Anschutz. Our source on the inside, known to us only as "Toto," sent us the following:
"They were singing the whole way there...it started with Lalas:"

I could while away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my guitar, I'd be pluckin'
And my trades they'd stop a suckin'
If I only had a brain.

"Then Ruud chimed in:"

When a man's an empty vessel
He can't with troubles wrestle
And so I'm torn apart
But I'm sure I'd give some tosses
About the wins and losses
If I only had a heart.

"And then Landon had to have his say:"

Yeah, it's sad, believe me missy,
When you're born to be a sissy,
With the skill but not the verve.
But I could show some stones-a,
And go back to old Europa,
If I only had the nerve

Beckham just kinda looked at them, all sad like, and then he sang, too...and a beautiful song it was:

Somewhere over the ocean
Way up north
Lies Engerland where I came from
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the ocean
Refs don't eat paste
And the crosses you whip in
Really don't go to waste

Some day I'll sign a new contract
And wake up where the fog and rain surround me
Where rich men munch on prawns and lasses
Away above the unwashed masses
That's where you'll find me

"I don't think it went too well for them, though," concluded Toto, "because when they came out of their meeting with the Great and Powerful Anschutz, Lalas looked at me and said, 'Cobi, what do you think about moving to Kansas...City, that is?'"

LALAS: Galaxy "Not Sexy Enough," Move for Tyson Beckford Imminent

Beckford: LA Bound?

Rating: 5 ("teh sexiest")

Following a humiliating 3-2 loss to expansion San Jose, LA Galaxy boss Alexi Lalas fumed that the Galaxy were not playing "sexy enough," and hinted at a move for supermodel Tyson Beckford: "It's just not sexy enough. We've GOT to bring sexy back. We've got a lot of possible moves to make. Right now, it looks like Justin [Timberlake] isn't available, but we've gotten a lot of interest from Tyson [Beckford]. It's just a matter of time before we're playing the sexiest football in the entire world."

MLS Rumors Rumors consulted noted expert on all things sexy, supermodel Derek Zoolander, who commented that, "Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. That's why DC United plays the sexiest football in the league right now. LA needs to play more games during monsoons." When pressed for more, Zoolander continued: "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" When this blogger replied that, no, he hadn't, Zoolander snapped:

Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?