That's harsh Sunil

Pretty In Rossoneri, Pt. 1

The on-again, off-again, will he or won't he saga of David Beckham's Italian Job was giving us some serious deja vu...so we dug back into the archives and realized we'd seen this all before, in John Hughes' 1986 coming-of-age classic, Pretty In Pink. We've taken the liberty of updating Hughes' masterpiece, which we are presenting to you, our lucky, lucky readers, in serial form, beginning right here, right now, with Part 1 of John Hughes soon-to-be classic, Pretty In Rossoneri:


Landon: Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, wake up! Morning, Bruce. Come on, wake up! Wake up! Come on, wake up. There's your coffee right there.

Bruce: Where am I?

Landon: Here, I want you to drink this. Then take a shower and get dressed. Your clothes are there. Then I want you to see the scouts about the new signings. Today. You promised.

Bruce: I know. What would I do without you nagging me all the time?

Landon: You really want me to answer that?

Bruce: Yeah, I've been gettin' in kinda late lately. We haven't had a chance to talk.

Landon: Don't worry about it. There hasn't been a lot to say.

Bruce: Is everything all right with you?

Landon: Yeah.

Bruce: Is Germany good?

Landon: No, but it never is.

Bruce: Have you been asked for a permanent transfer?

Landon: No. Not yet.

Bruce: When was the last time I told you how beautiful you are?

Landon: About yesterday.

Bruce: Turn around.

Landon: What?

Bruce: You know what. Let me see this outfit. Is this your latest creation?

Landon: This is it.

Bruce: My God, what did that cost you?

Landon: About $20 for the shoes, second-hand, and I made the rest.

Bruce: Unbelievable. I was thinking maybe that you could do something with this. Maybe put some ruffles here...

Landon: Come on, get up! Really, I mean it. This means a lot to me.

Bruce: I am perfectly happy with what I'm doing.

Landon: Perfectly happy coaching a shit MLS side that hasn't even made the playoffs since 2007?

Bruce: No. That's why I'm getting up.

Landon: OK. I'll make you some breakfast.

Bruce: I'm up.

Arena + Donovan

When Bruce Arena took the reins at the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson California, everyone speculated that he was drawn there due to the presence of one Landon Donovan.

"I made him, I can break him!

The question hung out there like a limp flag - Was Arena trying to re-write history about World Cup 2006 and prove that Donovan was the problem in Germany? Or was Arena trying to once again leverage Donovan, as in WC 2002, to get back his reputation, sullied by the Germany 2006 failure and the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey failure? Who could be sure, but one thing was clear, Arena and Donovan were back together.

Now, it appears that this true Hollywood story could be at an end. With the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California's failure to reach the playoffs since David "Don't call me a circus" Beckham joined the club, Landon realized his only hope at glory was to leave the country. He is "training" currently with Jürgen "I'm almost American" Klinsmann's Bayern Munich, which for all intents and purposes looks like a trial for both club and player.

"Wow, I cannot believe how many good players there are in the world. Back home everyone tells me I'm the greatest."

If Landon Donovan finds himself with a contract at the foreign club, how much time will pass before Bruce Arena is enrolled in a Berlitz class and using Rosetta Stone at home? He's always wanted to coach abroad...

U.S. gets first-ever qualifying win at Guatemala; Bradley greeted at airport by pitchfork-wielding mob

Following the first-ever qualifying win by the U.S. at Guatemala, Bob Bradley arrived stateside this morning to an angry mob of pitchfork and torch-wielding fanatics calling for his head. MLS Rumors² held its nose and ventured into the BigSawker post-match thread so you don't have to, and we came away with some insight into what those angry villagers are thinking (remember folks, these are actual quotes from actual BigSawker posters):

"Bob Bradley needs to be punched in the face by every single USA player who put his time in..."

"Fire Bradley"

"our players, fans, and alumni deserve better than what Bradley gave us tonight"

"Bradley's system makes Donovan invisible"

"Bob Bradley needs to learn every game against any team in CONCACAF, becides for Mexico is a MUST WIN, and most of the time a very easy win if we play to our potential."

"Bob Bradley: What the hell? Do you seriously just want us to fail?"

"BRADLY MUST GET THE F OUT OF THERE NOW. HELL I'LL TAKE MIKE SORBER AS COACH OVER THIS FREAKIN IDIOT WE HAVE NOW. BRADLEY MUST GO I HOPE NEW COACH NEVER CALLS UP MIKE BRADLEY EVER AGAIN"

"bradley is too mediocre a coach to be at the helm of our national program."

"Bradley needs to go, we are better than this defensive and fearful approach and if we want to improve we need to take the game to other teams and not be scared of our opponents or it will be another three and out."

"the bottom line is that bob bradley can coach us to victories against mediocre teams with sub-par tactics and talent -- but when it comes to the big stage, we are consistently underwhelming."

"Bradley has shown a wonderful inability to learn from past lessons."

"I honestly cannot believe Bradley has ever watched a soccer match above the MLS level or that we play with the tactical sophistication of an NCAA team - by design! Its embarassing."

MMMMMMMMMMM, that's good hatin' right there. Have a cheeto for me, "lads."

Galaxy Foursome Makes Pilgrimage to Emerald City

EMERALD CITY, OZ, Aug. 8, 2008: Seeking to pull their team out of the tailspin that threatens to leave their 2008 season in a smoking crater, four members of the Los Angeles Galaxy organization traveled to the Emerald City in search of assistance from legendary recluse, the Great and Powerful Anschutz.

The group consisted of Galaxy General Manager Alexi Lalas, Manager Ruud Gullit, forward Landon Donovan, and midfielder David Beckham. MLS Rumors² has learned that each group member is seeking specific assistance from Anschutz. Our source on the inside, known to us only as "Toto," sent us the following:
"They were singing the whole way there...it started with Lalas:"

I could while away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my guitar, I'd be pluckin'
And my trades they'd stop a suckin'
If I only had a brain.

"Then Ruud chimed in:"

When a man's an empty vessel
He can't with troubles wrestle
And so I'm torn apart
But I'm sure I'd give some tosses
About the wins and losses
If I only had a heart.

"And then Landon had to have his say:"

Yeah, it's sad, believe me missy,
When you're born to be a sissy,
With the skill but not the verve.
But I could show some stones-a,
And go back to old Europa,
If I only had the nerve

Beckham just kinda looked at them, all sad like, and then he sang, too...and a beautiful song it was:

Somewhere over the ocean
Way up north
Lies Engerland where I came from
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the ocean
Refs don't eat paste
And the crosses you whip in
Really don't go to waste

Some day I'll sign a new contract
And wake up where the fog and rain surround me
Where rich men munch on prawns and lasses
Away above the unwashed masses
That's where you'll find me

"I don't think it went too well for them, though," concluded Toto, "because when they came out of their meeting with the Great and Powerful Anschutz, Lalas looked at me and said, 'Cobi, what do you think about moving to Kansas...City, that is?'"

Landon Donovan Stoked

According to SuperAgentDan Motzkin, Landon Donovan has drawn significant interest from the leading clubs of Engerland.

"The older I get and the more I play, the more I'm yearning for that highest level I can play at" cooed the official dreamboat of the top flight of American soccer. Dangling participles aside, the American #10 surely must be valued by some teams in England. The former Redlands High School Terrier followed up with this shot across the bow of any Ugly Bettys of the Football League: "I think the Premiership would be the best place the play."

Former agent of Freddy Adu and Jozy Altidore, Motzkin reassured any hyperventilating supporters of the US national team by snarling that any potential swoopers would be, "ones that play entertaining, attacking and technical soccer."

Look out Barclay's Premier League! Landycakes is coming to Stoke and you're all going broke!

Contrary to erroneous reports from edthered, my sources are rock solid. I spoke to Landon's Brazilian Wax Technician just the other day.