Local Fan Attempts to Reconcile Hatred of Bob Bradley with Love of USMNT, Fails

Do Not Trust This Man

RESTON, VA: In an exclusive interview with MLS Rumors Rumors, Dave Thomasson, a Northern Virginia man widely known for his passionate love of both DC United and the United States national team, expressed his recent struggle to reconcile his love of the Nats with his burning hatred of the man he refers to only as "Cheatin' Bob":

MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us, Dave. Why don't you start from the beginning: why exactly do you hate Bob Bradley so much? After all, didn't his coaching career start as an assistant at DC United?

Dave Thomasson: He did start at DC...and that only makes what he did even harder to stomach...it was back in July 2003, and Cheatin' Bob was coaching the Metroscum in a game against DC at RFK. It was balls hot, and MLS still had that Mickey Mouse overtime rule. They also had a Mickey Mouse "fourth sub" rule, that allowed a team to make a fourth substitution, but only for the 'keeper. You know, so if your keeper blows out his ACL after you burned your last sub, you aren't hung out to dry, right?

MLSR²: Right, I remember that.

DT: Yeah, well, like I said, it's balls hot, and both teams have used up their three standard subs...and the game is tied at the end of regulation. So in OT, that cheating bastard has Eddie fucking Gaven sub in for a field player, but he takes Tim Howard's keeper jersey and comes on in goal. Like, 30 seconds later the ball goes out of play, and as soon as play stops, Gaven and Howard trade jerseys and Howard goes back to goal. Total fucking bullshit. And *then*, because it's fucking hot as the balls on Satan's rottweiler, and everyone else is gassed, Gaven makes a fucking fifty-yard run and scores the winner. It was fucking cheating bullshit, and it was all Cheatin' Bob's doing.

MLSR²: Which brings us to the World Cup, right?

DT: Right. I mean, I love the Nats. The MNT are, like, my heroes, man. I've got a United tattoo on my left shoulder, but I've got the 1950 USMNT crest tattooed on my heart, man. No lie, check it out! [ed. He wasn't kidding.] So I was all set to take out a home equity loan and go to South Africa to follow the Yanks...but then I was watching a qualifier...the one against T&T in Nashville? And they showed a closeup of Cheatin' Bob's face, and it was like a dam broke, you know? Like I'd repressed all these memories for so long, and then the hate just bubbled up, like oil from a blown-out BP well...and I just stood up in the middle of the bar - I was watching at Kitty's in Arlington, right? I just stood up, and started screaming at the TV: "BRADLEY! You fucking cheat! You fucking worthless, no-good, cheating bastard! Fuck you, Bob! Fuck you and your little cheating bitch boy Gaven! You fucking cheats!"

MLSR²: Wow. So were people a little freaked out?

DT: That's the weird thing, man. People started cheering me on! Everyone in the bar was started chanting "CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!" It was seriously cathartic, man.

MLSR²: So you bailed on South Africa?

DT: I just couldn't, man.

MLSR²: You hate Bradley that much?

DT: No, I mean, I literally couldn't. My house is completely underwater - there's no way I could get a home equity loan...

DaMarcus Beasley Could Quit Over Jamar Snub

Not to be outshone by the brouhaha unfolding around snubbed Mexican international Jonathan dos Santos and his brother Giovanni, DaMarcus Beasley is considering quitting the United States' World Cup squad following the omission of his brother Jamar.

The players' father, Henry, is enraged by coach Bob Bradley's decision not to take both of his sons to South Africa - and he now wants both of them to quit the squad permanently.

Jamar Beasley in his U.S. kit. Yeah, yeah, it's a futsal kit, but try telling that to DaMarcus.

Henry, who is not a former professional player, said: "DaMarcus is very hurt and he wants to be at home with us. He is there now and he's not well. We don't know if he will play (at the World Cup) or not. We still don't know anything.''

Jamar is also set to quit international football over the snub - something his father completely agrees with. "Jamar told me that he is going to quit the U.S. team and I don't want him playing for them anymore anyway,'' Henry added. "Also, my understanding is that the grapes in South Africa are so sour as to be virtually inedible, so Jamar didn't want them, anyway. Now if you will excuse me, I need to find my ball so I can take it and go home...that's right, screw you guys, I'm going home."

Update: Bradley Speaks About Roster

In looking to address fan's concerns about the 23 man squad selected to travel to the World Cup in South Africa, US National Team Coach Bob Bradley revealed that he was forced to make some selections.

"Look, if FIFA didn't have this number, this 23, I'd have probably only selected 16 or 17 of these guys. Some are clearly make weight."

Guzan: Better pack some Cup O' Soup, because Supper Is For Starters

However, in response to rampant speculation about the specifics, Bradley said only:

"I have no desire to out those individuals that would fall off the team if not required to bring 23. I don't traffic in idle gossip. I'm not a rumor monger. If you want to read that kind of trash, stick to MLS Rumors Rumors. That said, we haven't bothered assigning Robbie Findley a jersey number, and Brad Guzan won't even be issued a uniform at all. Those guys are more than welcome to eat with the team, though...well, breakfast anyway, and maybe lunch. Dinner, they're on their own, because Nike clearly stated that 'Supper is for starters and subs only,' so feeding guys like that, well, it's just not in the budget."

Latest: Fans Preparing for Disappointment

US Soccer Fans around the country are eagerly waiting the announcement from National Team Coach Bob Bradley that will send them to the heights of despair. With the 23 man roster for the World Cup announcement at 13:00 (1 PM EDT), fans are stocking up on their quips, hyperbole, and threats of boycott.

In a pre-announcement rant, one fan said:

"I know that he is going to take someone that doesn't deserve to play on my Sunday Rec League side. You know, someone like Bornstein, Torres, or Rogers. Those guys suck! I can do what they do out there!

Other fans were quick to reign him back into control. Saying, "Wait for the announcement, you don't want to get out all your despair too early."

Some fans have taken the extreme position in order to enhance their post-announcement hyperbole.

"I could pick a squad from these guys that would win the World Cup without breaking a sweat. But I doubt that Bob Bradley has the talent or skills to evaluate them properly. He'll end up taking guys that just don't belong and others that won't get selected would shine!

We here at MLS Rumors Rumors of course have the inside scoop on the selection process and have it on speculation that Bradley is purposefully spurning the fans with his 23.

Witchcraft: Disgruntled Player(s) Suspected of Hexing Bob Bradley

A picture of Bob Bradley before the hexing.

According to rumors surrounding the United States National Team coach, he has been feeling hot flashes in his limbs and head areas. He has also been suffering from needling pains throughout his body. These events occur usually in the evening and are suspected to be the result of a voodoo doll hex placed upon the coach.


Bob Bradley suffering from a hotflash.

Suspects include a number of players unhappy about not being selected to Bob Bradley’s squad preparing for the World Cup in South Africa. At this time the list of potential players includes the likes of Freddy Adu, Charlie Davies, Jeff Cuningham, Kyle Beckerman, and Troy Perkins and we are expecting more to join as Bob Bradley releases another seven players to comply with the 23 man roster requirement.

Breaking: Bob Bradley Wooed for World Cup Spots

Bob Bradley’s house is starting to look like a mad florists shop. Chocolate hearts and flower bouquets are showing up every day from players, agents, and coaches all wanting to curry favor with the National Team coach on the eve of the team announcement for the World Cup. According to our inside source, who knows someone that met someone who heard from someone that saw Bradley’s favorite contractor at 31 Flavors, all this affection has Bob Bradley in an unusually chipper mood.

“Who doesn’t like getting chocolate hearts and flower? I feel like the Prom Queen and Homecoming Queen for every high school across the country. But some of the guys are really overdoing it. I’ve got a young former prodigy’s mom sending me a bouquet of flowers every day. That is nothing compared to the daily gift baskets of fruits and nuts that I’m getting from some guy based in England that is apologizing for deleting my phone number out of his cell – I forget his name.”

Latest: K. Cooper sends apology

Kenny Cooper is having second thoughts about his recent comments to US National Team coach Bob Bradley & Son. According to a source that was recently in Munich, the bartender near Cooper's house claims that the US striker has expressed regret for rubbing his European success in Bradley's face. Being left off the US Roster for the upcoming friendlies in Europe, according to Goff's Blog, the big striker is mystified by the decision making process.

"I'm so much better than Cunningham. Look, he was nothing until I left Dallas and then all of a sudden he becomes something. And Eddie Johnson, when was the last time he scored a goal? I'm guessing he has trouble getting playing time on FIFA 2010."

Tough words for a man that hasn't scored in a league match since August and has found himself on the bench for the last four matches. You can be assured that we here at MLS Rumors² are going to be following this closely and writing all the news that we believe to be remotely true.

Heart Breaking: Cooper Sends Note

After Cooper scored his second goal for 1860 Munich of the Second Division in Germany, the young US-American striker has done something sure to raise some hackles - he sent Bob Bradley, US National Team coach, a bouquet of flowers with a note reading:

Dear Bob, thanks for your confidence in me. I couldn't have succeeded without all those call ups to the national team. BTW could you resend your phone number, I accidentally hit delete on your contact information. Loves, Kenny

Breaking: Bob Bradley packing bags?

Bob Bradley awaiting marching orders?

It has come to our attention that Bob Bradley has been given the dreaded vote of confidence by the USSF. In statements made to the press in Mexico, Sunil Gulati dictator Supremo head of US Soccer said that US Soccer would stick with Bob Bradley through the World Cup. We here at Rumors² would like to take him at his word but after reviewing the book by Johnny "Captain for Life" Harkes, we can only believe that Bradley is on the outs.

Speculation around the bar is that Gulati became enamoured while in Washington DC of a job applicant announced on DC 101 that said he had 23 years of organizational experience and would take any job. Gulati was in DC watching the Match of the Century (where were you?!) between Real Madrid and DC United.

When attempted to be reached for comment, all parties promptly hung up on us.

BREAKING: Eddie Johnson vanishes from team hotel, presumed to have defected

HAVANA, 6 September 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from an inside source who spoke to a bartender at the U.S. national team's hotel this morning that U.S. forward Eddie "Grown-Ass Man" Johnson has vanished from the team hotel, and is presumed to have defected. According to our source:

Eddie is pretty desperate for first-team playing time, and things weren't looking good for him at Cardiff City. At this point, his only other option was "pulling a Wolff" and returning to Kansas City with his tail between his legs...and he figured the Grown- Ass thing to do was to defect to Cuba instead. He's pretty sure he can get some minutes for FC Pinar del Río.

Johnson: Grown-Ass Defector?

Our source also informed us that Bob Bradley is still planning on listing Johnson in tonight's starting lineup, because, "frankly, most people probably won't notice the difference."

U.S. gets first-ever qualifying win at Guatemala; Bradley greeted at airport by pitchfork-wielding mob

Following the first-ever qualifying win by the U.S. at Guatemala, Bob Bradley arrived stateside this morning to an angry mob of pitchfork and torch-wielding fanatics calling for his head. MLS Rumors² held its nose and ventured into the BigSawker post-match thread so you don't have to, and we came away with some insight into what those angry villagers are thinking (remember folks, these are actual quotes from actual BigSawker posters):

"Bob Bradley needs to be punched in the face by every single USA player who put his time in..."

"Fire Bradley"

"our players, fans, and alumni deserve better than what Bradley gave us tonight"

"Bradley's system makes Donovan invisible"

"Bob Bradley needs to learn every game against any team in CONCACAF, becides for Mexico is a MUST WIN, and most of the time a very easy win if we play to our potential."

"Bob Bradley: What the hell? Do you seriously just want us to fail?"

"BRADLY MUST GET THE F OUT OF THERE NOW. HELL I'LL TAKE MIKE SORBER AS COACH OVER THIS FREAKIN IDIOT WE HAVE NOW. BRADLEY MUST GO I HOPE NEW COACH NEVER CALLS UP MIKE BRADLEY EVER AGAIN"

"bradley is too mediocre a coach to be at the helm of our national program."

"Bradley needs to go, we are better than this defensive and fearful approach and if we want to improve we need to take the game to other teams and not be scared of our opponents or it will be another three and out."

"the bottom line is that bob bradley can coach us to victories against mediocre teams with sub-par tactics and talent -- but when it comes to the big stage, we are consistently underwhelming."

"Bradley has shown a wonderful inability to learn from past lessons."

"I honestly cannot believe Bradley has ever watched a soccer match above the MLS level or that we play with the tactical sophistication of an NCAA team - by design! Its embarassing."

MMMMMMMMMMM, that's good hatin' right there. Have a cheeto for me, "lads."