INCOMING: Lalas to take over ailing AIG

PAULSON: Lalas the right choice to create "SuperInsurer"

WASHINGTON, DC, November 19, 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from sources close to Treasury Secretary Henry "Uncle Hank" Paulson that the Bush administration is planning to appoint one of Venice Beach's most famous buskers, Alexi Lalas, as new CEO of ailing insurance giant AIG.

Some experts questioned the move. Said recent Nobel laureate Paul Krugman: "I thought the administration had set an unbeatable record for absurd appointments when they put a horse show official in charge of FEMA, but this? My god, man! Just because AIG sponsors some random English soccer team doesn't make this ginger hack qualified to run it! It's as good as a death sentence for AIG."

Paulson, however, was ebullient in his praise for the three-times over failed executive: "Alexi has just what it's going to take to turn AIG around. It's only a matter of time before he transforms it into the world's first SuperInsurer!"

When reminded that AIG was a "SuperInsurer" prior to its collapse, Paulson replied, "I resent the implication that I'm colluding with my former colleagues on Wall Street to short AIG!" When told that, in fact, no one had said anything of the sort, Paulson replied, "This conversation is over."

MLS Rumors² reached Lalas for comment near the Venice Pier, where he was strumming away on his guitar and singing various Sister Hazel songs as passersby shielded their children's eyes: "I am tremendously excited to be taking over at AIG! It's a natural fit for me, since I have prior experience at AEG, and that's only one vowel different! We're going to have the whole company selling sexy insurance by this time next year! Also, any rumors that we're considering moving corporate headquarters to Houston are completely unfounded."

When it was pointed out to Lalas that no such rumors existed, he replied, "Oh. Well then. It's hard to say what it is I see in you. Wonder if I'll always be with you. But words can't say, And I can't do enough to prove, it's all for you." At which point this blogger disgustedly threw a half-eaten cup of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream into Lalas' guitar case and slowly backed away.

US Star Fan Exits...

After weeks without a win and only dismal football on the horizon for the LA Galaxy, even long time superstar fan Drew Carey seems to be abandoning the team. When questioned by sources from the LA nightclub scene, Drew apparently said "Look I was already involved in a program where everything was made up and the points don't matter. I don't need to go to the Home Depot Center to see more of the same."

In a related note, AEG refused to comment on the rumor that the LA Galaxy was going to be leaving MLS to commit to a world wide tour with the New Jersey Generals Football Club.

Season through September - Part 1

Garber and company are looking to expand several midseason tournaments designed to build interest in MLS. One is the expanded Super Liga – our sources believe that not only will the competition include an additional four MLS teams but will also solicit teams from Europe, MLS has so far approached Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Barcelona, AC Milan, Real Madrid. The understanding is to get these teams to turn their friendlies into matches for the Super Liga.

Phil Anschutz nixed Ruud Gullit and his regime of “sexy football”. Apparently the ultra-conservative billionaire misunderstood Gullit’s accent and thought he was talking about “winning football”.

AEG also allowed Alexi Lalas to “pursue other ventures”. The red haired one apparently left the building under security escort screaming “you’ll regret this! My sad song and waltzes are going to totally rip you apart! The people will know all.” To date, Mr. Lalas has been unsuccessful in getting record producers to believe that sad songs and waltzes will be popular this year.

Kenny Cooper met with Steve Ralston at a bar in DC to discuss the best way to avoid a national team call up. Although rumors persist that Bruce Arena was actually in attendance, we understand that he just mailed in his advice.

FC Toronto is pretty upset about the MLS’ rules on streamers after some Kolumbus Krew fan said a nasty word to a player. So, they have secured the services of the most petulant and aggressive players available. Rumors abound that they are seeking to trade for Cuahtemoc Blanco, Seth Stammler, Jay Heaps, Joey Franchino, and Pablo Mastroeni. Sources stated that they must be thinking, “Ok, so we’ve got Amado Guevara and Carlos Ruiz, how can we make all the other teams fans apoplectic without actually winning a game?”

And speaking of Blanco, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that Cuahtemoc has multiple crowd shots in his house of Fire fans. He uses these as targets for darts, in his toilet, and on his cutting boards. He is also thinking of installing a mock up of Section 8 for the back yard so he can use it for target practice for his 12 gauge shotgun. When asked about his apparent dislike, Blanco responded “The fans suck and I’m just showing my support for the poor maligned security professionals that do nothing but bend over backwards for these rowdies. And what thanks do they get? They get argued with, hurt carrying fans from the section, and bruised knuckles from fans’ jaws.”