Invest in MLS?

You'd be surprised to hear those words just a few weeks ago, but according to sources participating in a European Teleconference with Video, the calls to IPO for MLS are getting louder. Afterall, with billionaire backers, various stadia (for both soccer and non-soccer events), and having only lost several hundred millions of dollars in 12 years of existence, MLS is doing better than many firms on Wall Street. Various large investors are looking for a place to hide their money where it will not evaporate overnight, as has been the case with Lehmann Brothers, AIG, Bear Sterns, and many others. Sources claim that although this could infuse a large amount of capital into MLS, Supremo Don Garber is skeptical. "We need to make sure that investors are in line with our expectations. We don't want a large sum of money floating around the league that could potentially lead to higher salaries for players. If we can keep investors on hold until after the collective bargaining with the Players Extortionists, we'll make sure to look poor for the arbitrator and be able to continue paying players less per game than I make in an hour. In fact, this answer has earned me more than most developmental players make."

Garber: Retirement is the new black.

With the breathless debate and interest raised by the news of Cuauhtemoc Blanco's retirement from international duty, Don Garber the MLS Supremo has decided that MLS will use retirement as a way to get news headlines.

First off, Kansas and Columbus will retire from obscurity. Apparently, these teams still exist and will actually market themselves as soccer events instead of just highlighting celebrity appearances and half time light saber duels. We believe that FC Dallas elected to remain retired from view in hopes of keeping all the pizza in Pizza Hut Park for themselves. Second, there is a serious debate about whether the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey will retire from their dismal record of failure. And finally, DC United fans steadfastly refused to retire from their arrogance about winning 12 major international and domestic trophies in 12 years of existence.

Season through September - Part 1

Garber and company are looking to expand several midseason tournaments designed to build interest in MLS. One is the expanded Super Liga – our sources believe that not only will the competition include an additional four MLS teams but will also solicit teams from Europe, MLS has so far approached Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Barcelona, AC Milan, Real Madrid. The understanding is to get these teams to turn their friendlies into matches for the Super Liga.

Phil Anschutz nixed Ruud Gullit and his regime of “sexy football”. Apparently the ultra-conservative billionaire misunderstood Gullit’s accent and thought he was talking about “winning football”.

AEG also allowed Alexi Lalas to “pursue other ventures”. The red haired one apparently left the building under security escort screaming “you’ll regret this! My sad song and waltzes are going to totally rip you apart! The people will know all.” To date, Mr. Lalas has been unsuccessful in getting record producers to believe that sad songs and waltzes will be popular this year.

Kenny Cooper met with Steve Ralston at a bar in DC to discuss the best way to avoid a national team call up. Although rumors persist that Bruce Arena was actually in attendance, we understand that he just mailed in his advice.

FC Toronto is pretty upset about the MLS’ rules on streamers after some Kolumbus Krew fan said a nasty word to a player. So, they have secured the services of the most petulant and aggressive players available. Rumors abound that they are seeking to trade for Cuahtemoc Blanco, Seth Stammler, Jay Heaps, Joey Franchino, and Pablo Mastroeni. Sources stated that they must be thinking, “Ok, so we’ve got Amado Guevara and Carlos Ruiz, how can we make all the other teams fans apoplectic without actually winning a game?”

And speaking of Blanco, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that Cuahtemoc has multiple crowd shots in his house of Fire fans. He uses these as targets for darts, in his toilet, and on his cutting boards. He is also thinking of installing a mock up of Section 8 for the back yard so he can use it for target practice for his 12 gauge shotgun. When asked about his apparent dislike, Blanco responded “The fans suck and I’m just showing my support for the poor maligned security professionals that do nothing but bend over backwards for these rowdies. And what thanks do they get? They get argued with, hurt carrying fans from the section, and bruised knuckles from fans’ jaws.”

RUMOR: DC-Houston in St. Louis in 2009?

Rating: 5 (Check it, it's gold...You know what, yegg? I believe you.)

With Commissioner Garber set to hold a press conference this afternoon morning [ed: what can I say...see previous post re: hangovers], MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that he plans to announce a bombshell: In order to avoid further bad mojo related to next year's Houston-at-DC fixture, the league will be moving the match to St. Louis. "The match will serve as a measure of St. Louis' interest in an MLS expansion franchise," said Bill the Beerman, who is close friends with Sammy the Stocker, who stocks the beer and sodas in the suite used by Commissioner Garber when he attends matches at RFK Stadium. "The Commish' really thinks they're ready. He's especially impressed that they've already got their own supporters' group, the Sons of Lindbergh. They're supposed to be even more hardcore than the Kolumbus Krew Kids."

(Pictured: The Sons of Lindbergh at a recent pep rally promoting St. Louis as a possible MLS expansion city.)