Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

Garber: Revs, Chivas "Not Tired Enough;" SuperLiga '09 to Double in Size

Reached from his secret volcano lair, MLS Commissioner Don "The Don" Garber today told MLS Rumors² that he was disappointed in the performance of both New England and Chivas USA in their recent CONCACAF Champions League qualifiers. "Frankly, I expected them to lose by more than they did. It's a disappointment. We set the schedule up the way we did - SuperLiga, playing on international dates, loading the league schedule towards the end of the season - so that these guys would fail miserably, and maybe shut the hell up about the missing $850,000 in SuperLiga money. And what do they do? Sure, they go and lose to a couple of minnows, but they didn't get *crushed.* The Revs in particular really need to be taken down a peg. I'm disappointed, but we'll come back next year with a bigger, longer, SuperLiga. That ought to do the trick."

The Don then added, "Thank god Cruz Azul are in DC United's group. That oughta be good for another 5-0 beatdown in Mexico City, right?"

SuperHeist: a Ringer for the Ringer

Good times at Applebee's! It's a Whole New Neighborhood!

Well well well...as SuperLiga '08 wrapped up last night, MLS Rumors² finally got to the bottom of the stolen bounty. Early yesterday evening, we had the following IM chat with The Dude:

The Dude: I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this payoff, we got the kidnappers all mad at us, and Vergara, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn't do anything, huh?
MLS Rumors²: Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic...
The Dude: No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't fucking want her back! He no longer digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a shit about his million bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The asshole was hoping that they would kill her! We threw out a ringer for a ringer!

Later in the evening, The Dude wore a digital recorder while confronting the Big Vergara. Here's a partial transcript:

The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.'
The Big Vergara: Well, aren't you?
The Dude: Well... yeah.

So there you have it: it turns out that the million dollars was never really there. Not to fear, though! We've heard from an inside source that, because last night's final ran through extra time and 8 rounds of penalty kicks, Revs players will be entitled to an additional bonus! In an upcoming press release, The Don has the following to say: "The players are getting a pretty darn good payday for five games, and we wanted to pro-rate that because of the extraordinary length of last night's final. Therefore, as a token of our appreciation for their hard work in earning league owners $850,000 that otherwise would have gone to Mexican players, we're providing an added bonus to the SuperLiga Champion New England Revolution of a $1,500 coupon to Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 990 Providence Highway in Walpole, Mass. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! The team is free to divide this up any way they choose, so if they want to give Jay Heaps less, that's fine with the league."

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. II {{updated}}

Ivan Gazidis: This is really beautiful.
Mo: Well, look at this. It used to decorate the palace of a king.
Gazidis: Oh, yeah; very nice.
Mo: Why didnae you say you worked for Garber, Gazidis? I thought ye were just some cheap two-bit hustler Brian was running in tryin’ tae bluff me.
Gazidis: I don't like to use his name unless it's really necessary.
Mo: How's yer whisky, Ivan?
Gazidis: Fine.
Mo: Hey, come on over here wi’ me; I wanna show ye something really beautiful. Ye do appreciate beauty, don't ye?
[pause]
There ye are, $600,000 on four hooves. I bet a Roossian Czar never paid that kindae dough for a single horse. Souness. Souness. I'm nay gonna race him, though. I'm gonnae put him out to stud.
Gazidis: He's beautiful.
Mo: [to stablehand] Thankee, Tony.
Tony Meola: You're welcome...
Mo: [to Gazidis] Let's get something to eat, eh?
[break in tape]
Gazidis: Mr. Garber is Brian’s godfather. To the league office, that's a very religious, sacred, close relationship.
Mo: I respect that; just tell him he should ask me anything else. But this is one favor I canna give him.
Gazidis: He doesn't ask a second favor once he's been refused the first, understood?
Mo: You donnae understand. Brian McBride n’er plays for the Fire. That team is perfect for him, it'll make him a big star, and I'm gonnae run him out of the business - and let me tell you why: Brian McBride ruined one of TFC's most valuable sales reps. For two years we had her under contract - singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was gonnae make her a big star. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-c***, and that it's nay all pounds and shillings: She was beautiful; she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had it all over the world. And then Brian McBride comes along with his chiseled chin and midwestern manners, and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position cannae afford to be made to look ridiculous! No, you get the hell out of here. And ye tell that goomba that if he wants to try any rough stuff that I ain't no Nick Sakiewicz. Aye, I heard that story…
Gazidis: Thank you for the dinner and a very pleasant evening. If your car could take me to the airport; Mr. Garber is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

[break in tape]

Mo: [screaming] AAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAHHH! SOUNESSSSSS! SOUNESSSSSS! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

{{UPDATE}}

Looks like Ivan's trip to visit Mo paid off.

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. I

MLS Rumors Rumors has received an exclusive insider's account of the real story behind Brian McBride's pending move to Chicago. Our source secretly recorded some of the key meetings at MLS HQ, and has provided us with the transcripts:

Meeting 1:
McBride: I don't know what to do. My kneecap is -- is weak. It's weak. Anyway, uh, if I was playing for the Fire, ya'know, it puts me right back up on top again. But this, uh -- this man out there, he won't trade my allocation rights; the GM of TFC.

The Don:
What's his name?

McBride: Johnston. Johnston. He won't give it to me -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance. A couple months ago he picked up my allocation rights. I'm a returning national team player -- and Chicago, it's where I'm from. I uh -- I wouldn't even have to try -- just stand there while Blanco bounces balls off my head. Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

The Don: [SLAP!] YOU CAN ACT LIKE A *MAN*! What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out? A British finocchio that ah cries like a woman? What can I do?! What can I do?! What is that nonsense? Ridiculous.

[pause]

The Don: You want to spend time with your family in Chicago?

McBride: Sure I do.

The Don: Good. Because a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.

[pause]

The Don: Come here. You look terrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest a while. And in a month from now, this -- Scottish bigshot's gonna give you what you want.

McBride: It's too late. The season's already more than half over.

The Don: I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. Now you just go outside and enjoy yourself, and ah, forget about all this nonsense. I want you to leave it all to me.

NEXT: The Don's offer!