SuperFan Theater, Episode 1

Behold, an MLS Rumors Rumors exclusive! It's the series premier of SuperFan Theater! That's right, whenever we get around to it, we'll be bringing you new episodes of SuperFan Theater, wherein SuperFans of various MLS teams engage in smack talk for the amusement of YOU, the MLS Rumors Rumors reader!

So without further ado, here's Episode 1, featuring LA Galaxy SuperFan Tawper*, and his bestest buddy, Seattle Steve!



*Tawper is in no way related to actual LA Galaxy fan Topper...Tawper may only be a cartoon character, but he's way, way taller.

Rumor: Coffee Talk Too Much for Ljungberg

What caused Freddie Ljungberg to turn sour on Seattle? Was it the weather? After years in England and Sweden, he has to be used to steady gray rainy days for months on end. Was it the quality of play? We all know that Seattle invented the game and under Sigi Schmidt have tried to play a quick game that works with their artificial turf field. Was it the fear of Sigi's belly? While rumors have persisted that Sigi eats players that bother him, there were no indications that the Swede would have ended up on the menu. Was it the artificial turf? Freddie is an aging star and has to look out for his legs after injuries hampered his work in the English Premier League, the turf cannot have felt great on those shattered ankles.

The TRUTH: it was none of the above!

MLS Rumors Rumors spoke with a local barrista with connections to a Seattle barrista, who often serves the Sounders FC players. According to our source, Freddie Ljungberg tired of the coffee talk.

"He hated coming into the shop. He came because Sigi would sit on him if he didn't. All he wanted to do was talk about modeling and underwear but the rest of the guys wanted nothing to do with that. They all wanted to discuss coffee. They would spend hours discussing roasting techniques, brewing tips, varieties of beans, and different methods of frothing. I heard that he even did that landing strip mohawk just to have them talk about something else. It worked for all of five minutes."

Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

New Item: Seattle Fans Most Awesome According to Local Polls

Surprisingly, fans of Seattle Sounders FC believe that they are the best fans in the league, according to a poll taken at a drinking establishment in downtown Seattle. Results indicate that 95% of Seattle fans believe their club is not only the best on the field but also off the field. They cited things like the cool colors and the anti-corporate messages as reasons the Seattle fans are far superior to other MLS fans.

“Our numbers are awesome. Before us, MLS was about as popular as USL-2! We put them on the map. No one had ever heard of the Los Angeles Galaxy or DC United before we came along. We are so cool! We have more fans in our pinky finger than most clubs in their whole bodies.”

The small minority that believed Seattle fans [are not the best in MLS -ed.] were asked to please leave or face ultraviolence because they were obviously corporate shills looking to infiltrate the “movement”.

Rumor: War of Words Heats Up Between Seattle and DC

After the shocking reports that Seattle Sounders FC would return money to their season ticketholders for their pathetic display in the 4:0 loss at home to the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California, DC United Supremo and Generally Boss of All Things Kevin Payne claimed that Seattle was weak for admitting their defects. According to speculation, Mr. Payne stated:

“These guys are crass amateurs. Apologizing to fans about poor play? What is this a rec league? Did you hear us come out and tell our fans ‘sorry’ after we got shellacked 4:0 in Kansas? Or 2:0 at home against the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey? No. And why? Because we win trophies!”

Rumors from RFK suggest that DC United might actually raise ticket prices on matches the team wins. They are expecting to charge an additional $5 “winner’s surcharge” to all fans in order to exit the stadium. They hope to use this money to buy a single SuperTall Half-Latte Half-Espresso Gigante.

Rumors or Myth: Thierry Henry to DC United

According to Internet rumors, DC United may be lined up to secure the services of Thierry Henry. Why? Well, because frankly the team needs someone like him. He could probably score half a dozen goals off of counter-attacks before most DC United players cleared their penalty box. I'm not saying that DC United's style of play has been slow of late but I've seen glaciers that move the ball faster.

However, we here at MLS Rumors Rumors call BS on this particular rumor. Why? Because we have checked all of our sources from across the East Coast and find little to no indication that anyone is stocking up on French wine. We believe that just like many before him, Mr. Henry's agent and publicist and hair stylist are promoting these rumors in order to extract another European transfer for the famous striker. Without much playing time at Barcelona, Mr. Henry's headlines disappear but with a few well placed rumors about a potential MLS signing, he's back on the front of the tabloids.

If Thierry Henry does somehow make it to MLS, we feel it would be tough to not find him in LA, New Jersey, or Seattle rather than DC. How that works in the salary cap and allocation is quite irrelevant. When Thierry Henry calls, MLS is going to say "Yes sir. No problem, sir. We'd love to accomodate you, sir. Can we fluff you some more, sir?"

Breaking Update:
According to more Internet rumors, Barcelona will be willing to let Henry leave before the end of his contract... Inquiring minds will want to keep track of this because I could see Henry packing his luggage full of aging European and South American stars longing to breathe the free air of MLS...

Next Time, On Rookie Life: FAIL

Well then.

H/T The Mighty Insider

RUMOR: Seattle Sounders midfielder on the way to Benfica?

It has come to our attention that God's gift to MLS, the Seattle Sounders, may soon be without a beloved crowd favorite leftover from USL/A-League/various minor leagues of not much note. Through a source (which we will not identify) served by an Ibiza bartender who once scored with Mike's neighbor's daughter while her suburbothug friends flashed gang signs, we have learned that none other than Sebastian LeToux is heading to Benfica.

After doing some digging, we found this item on the Benfica team site. We at MLSRumors² are not such cunning linguists that we can decipher the byzantine Portuguese language, but it seems pretty clear that "Seba" is on his way to the Iberian peninsula. It is not clear if the transfer will go into effect now or in the winter transfer window. Seattle attendance kings will be concerned that the full emotional ejaculation of a possible Open Cup championship will be weakened if this symbol of continuity is not with the team. LeToux would, of course, applaud the 25,000 rave green clad supporters whom will descend upon RFK to show DC United "how its done".

Stay tuned, remember, today's rumor is tomorrow's headline!

Northern Virginia Man Suffers Shattered Self Esteem, Bruised Ego In Loss To Mexico

FAIRFAX, VA 13 August, 2009: A medical report issued by psychiatrists at INOVA Fairfax Hospital confirmed an initial diagnosis of shattered self esteem and a bruised ego for local soccer fanatic Grayson Whitman following the United States crushing loss at the hands of Mexico yesterday afternoon.

"His ego is banged up pretty good," said INOVA spokesman James Ledbetter. "He was talking smack to his Mexican co-workers at the World Bank all week. Going on about 'It's the U.S.' time, Mexico is over as a regional power, 5-0 was a fluke.' Just knowing he has to face them when he's healthy enough to get back to the office has caused some deep bruising."

Grayson Whitman, Recovering At INOVA Fairfax Hospital. Image by Flickr user Docman.

More troubling, however, is Whitman's shattered self esteem. According to Ledbetter, "Grayson really lives vicariously through the USMNT. He's been having a rough go of things lately - his girlfriend left him for a Brazilian guy who works for McKinsey, his dog ran away, that sort of thing - and the success of the US national team was really keeping him going. After that early goal, his self esteem took a quick jump up, and the subsequent crash just put too much strain on the system; when that second Mexican goal went in, it just shattered. It's sad, really."

Doctors have prescribed an intensive regimen of beer and hard alcohol, "but no wine," said Ledbetter, the INOVA spokesman. "He's also been prescribed some anti-depressants, and some painkillers. The guy's in bad shape right now, but we're hopeful that he'll be back to his chest-thumping, Mexican taunting best by next summer's World Cup. Of course, if the U.S. doesn't qualify, he could be facing a life-or-death situation."

When reached for comment in his hospital room, Whitman stated: "DC United had better win the [expletive] Open Cup...I've been talking [expletive] about it to my cousins out in Seattle for weeks."

BREAKING: Sounders To Hoist "Attendance Champions" Banner

SEATTLE, 11 August, 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Seattle plans to open their 2010 home schedule with a pre-match banner-raising ceremony, honoring the team's first title: 2009 MLS Attendance Champions.

According to our source, a local bike messenger who occasionally smokes up with Seattle FO personnel:

They got the idea from the [WNBA's Washington] Mystics. I mean, everyone from Drew on down to the fans in the stands is really pumped up about how we've pwnd the league at the turnstiles. It really is the truest measure of a team's success. Like, look at the Cubs! No one gives a shit that they haven't won a world series in over a hundred years, they still pwn bitches like the Marlins and D-Backs, because they sell more tickets.

While the Attendance Champions banner is "a done deal," still up for grabs is the coveted "Merchandise Championship." The Sounders currently hold an edge over TFC and the LA Galaxy, and if they maintain it through the end of the season, our source tells us that:

They're gonna go all out for that one, man...we're talking the biggest banner you've ever seen...I mean, I hate to keep coming back to it, but look at the Cubs, or the Indians. Who cares about rings, man? These guys sell so much more merch than the Phillies or the Marlins, it PROVES that they're better. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Dollar bill, y'all.

Obama Weighs in on Seattle Controversy

Having read the recent diatribe from Seattle Fans, President Obama has reportedly taken offense. According to staffers that may have been overheard while drinking at a bar in or around the White House, Obama is livid that Seattle Sounders FC fans are up on their high horse.

Obama is rumored to have ranted -

"Look, first we had to deal the pretenders from Toronto, claiming to be the best expansion team, but what have they ever won. NOTHING! Now we've got these greenies from the Northwest claiming to be the best expansion franchise ever. What? Am I missing something? Did they win an MLS Cup in their first season? Please, they remind me those howling talking heads on Fox."

As of this writing, it is unclear what actions the President may choose to take. We asked around for some speculation and the majority think that Obama will offer to host the next 20 G-8 conferences, the World Bank/IMF meetings, and all future World Trade Organization meetings in the city of Seattle.

Seattle Leads The Way!

Look out, MLS old guard, there's a sassy new sheriff in town, and he goes by the name of Seattle Sounders. Yes, that's right, the league's newest addition is taking the nation (and our Canadian cousins) by storm, and all around the league, supporters of old, decrepit, moribund teams are giving thanks to their saviors.

Scott MacLeFleur, a member of Toronto FC's North End Elite, was effusive: "Gosh, I mean, when we came into the league, we thought we were God's gift, that we were going to single-handedly save those hosers from themselves, eh? Turns out, though, we were just a bunch of f*ckin' amateurs compared to Seattle. I mean, a marching band? Wow. And I hear their fake turf is even better than ours...and that really hits home for us. I just thank God they deigned it upon themselves to join MLS and save us, when they could've just stayed in USL-1 forever, with the massive crowds they were drawing."

Whitey McWhite, a member of shadowy Columbus supporters group the Kolumbus Krew Kidz, told MLS Rumors Rumors: "I'm just glad we won the double last year, because I get the feeling we're never going to win anything ever again. God bless those Sounders, every one!"

Thaddeus Jarvis, the Colorado Rapids supporter, told us: "Oh man, thank God for the Sounders! Now maybe the Rapids FO will stop ordering security to kick me out of every home game!"

And finally, Piotr Kowalski of Chicago's Section 8, gushed, "Wow, I mean, Seattle is such a great sports town, they really should look into getting an NBA franchise, too. Just think what they could do for basketball if they could land a charismatic young scorer like, say, Kevin Durant! My god, they'd be sold out forever!"

RUMOR: Seattle, Toronto to Form Breakaway League

Goodbye MLS, Hello PMS?

SEATTLE, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has received word from a local bartender/part-time hairdresser that Seattle Sounders FC and Toronto FC are on the verge of breaking away from MLS to start a new "Premier Major Soccer" league. According to our source:

I was serving appletinis and pints of Poseur's Pale Ale to a bunch of guys from the Sounders front office, and they started bragging about this new league their gonna form. This one guy was all, "The rest of the league is just a f'ing joke, man. They're really dragging our whole organization down. As soon as TFC commits to expanding their stadium, we're gonna split off from the MLS and form the PMS. Maybe we'll add Philly, Portland, and Vancouver as expansion teams in a year or two. The PMS will be massive. We don't want the MLS to ride the coattails of our success." I asked him if Seattle would still participate in the U.S. Open Cup, and he was like, "Only if the USSF will send us a formal letter of apology for letting DC United host the final this year, and then commit to letting us host every round of all future tournaments. It's only fair."