Seattle Leads The Way!

Look out, MLS old guard, there's a sassy new sheriff in town, and he goes by the name of Seattle Sounders. Yes, that's right, the league's newest addition is taking the nation (and our Canadian cousins) by storm, and all around the league, supporters of old, decrepit, moribund teams are giving thanks to their saviors.

Scott MacLeFleur, a member of Toronto FC's North End Elite, was effusive: "Gosh, I mean, when we came into the league, we thought we were God's gift, that we were going to single-handedly save those hosers from themselves, eh? Turns out, though, we were just a bunch of f*ckin' amateurs compared to Seattle. I mean, a marching band? Wow. And I hear their fake turf is even better than ours...and that really hits home for us. I just thank God they deigned it upon themselves to join MLS and save us, when they could've just stayed in USL-1 forever, with the massive crowds they were drawing."

Whitey McWhite, a member of shadowy Columbus supporters group the Kolumbus Krew Kidz, told MLS Rumors Rumors: "I'm just glad we won the double last year, because I get the feeling we're never going to win anything ever again. God bless those Sounders, every one!"

Thaddeus Jarvis, the Colorado Rapids supporter, told us: "Oh man, thank God for the Sounders! Now maybe the Rapids FO will stop ordering security to kick me out of every home game!"

And finally, Piotr Kowalski of Chicago's Section 8, gushed, "Wow, I mean, Seattle is such a great sports town, they really should look into getting an NBA franchise, too. Just think what they could do for basketball if they could land a charismatic young scorer like, say, Kevin Durant! My god, they'd be sold out forever!"

Spanish RFEF: Houston, You Don't Have a Problem

MADRID, 13 October 2008: The Spanish Football Federation (RFEF) today responded to racist comments made by a Houston Dynamo supporter towards DC United goalkeeper Louis Crayton at Robertson Stadium in Houston, Texas following the completion of yesterday's MLS match between United and the Dynamo. RFEF spokesman Jorge Carretero told reporters:

The Dynamo were quick to ban the supporter because of his racist statements. But the fans that go to Robertson are as fantastic as they are in Spain. The RFEF is quite certain that this supporter is as pure at heart as the fans who go to the Bernabeu. Therefore, the RFEF would like to invite this supporter to join us in Spain for our upcoming friendly against England, which will be played wherever the Spanish Federation thinks is best. We will even provide him a complimentary ticket in the section of Columbus Crew supporters who have already committed to attending.

Well then. Thanks for clearing that up for us Jorge, on what I know must have been a busy day for you.

ON THE MOVE: Monterrey Security to Columbus?

Rating: 2 (for the show)

This fist is racist.

MLS Rumors² just received the following email from a bartender at a Columbus area TGI Friday's:

The Crew are just putting the finishing touches on a deal with the Fire to swap 1,000 cases of bratwurst for Monterrey Security. It's just such a natural fit - who better to handle a horde of racist fans than a horde of racist security guards? And come on, brats and Chicago? Perfect together! The Fire tried to Jew the Crew up to 1,500 cases and a half-ton of Velveeta, but the Hunts stood strong. Wait, is it okay to say "Jew the Crew"? I mean, that's the phrase my source used, but now that I think about it, that sounds kinda, well, racist...huh...oh well. Heil Crew!

This fist is anti-racist. Look how different they are!

Monterrey Security: Coming soon to a Nordecke near you?

BREAKING: Chelsea Move to Occupy Upton Park [UPDATED]

LONDON, 14 August: In a stunning move, Chelsea appear to have moved on Upton Park, and reports out of London's East End indicate that Chelsea are now in full control of West Ham's ground. A Chelsea spokesman told a morning press gaggle that, "West Ham's failure to adequately control their hooligan supporters has left Chelsea with no choice but to secure the safety of our players and supporters by force. Their hooligans acted out violently in Columbus, USA, and we are now in the process of punishing the aggressor."

Chelsea forces easily overwhelmed the Hammers' token resistance

West Ham manager Alan Curbishley pleaded for help from the other members of the Big Four, but with Liverpool overextended to the breaking point in Belgium, Manchester United engulfed in tabloid drama, and Arsenal not giving a shit, there appears to be little hope of anyone coming to the Hammers' aid.

MLS Rumors² has also learned that Chelsea owner Roman "Little Putin" Abramovich has travelled across London to manage the occupation himself.

MLS Rumors² reached Noted International Hooligan Expert Douglas "Dougie" Brimson for comment. Mr. Brimson noted that:

This sort of thing is just the logical extension of the problems facing MLS. If not for the inability of security to control the actions of the Kolumbus Krew Kidz at their friendly versus West Ham, none of this tragedy would have ensued. MLS must. Get. Its. Act. Together...or Chelsea's next stop could be Red Bull Park. Mark my words, America: the Hooliganpocalypse is coming. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The only way to save yourselves is to buy and read my books. All of them. New, not used, please.

Indeed, we here at MLS Rumors² agree: it's all Columbus' fault. Especially Bill Archer. I hope he's happy.

UPDATE: In a statement to the press, Abramovich rejected calls from West Ham for a ceasefire and declared that his club would pursue its mission to its "logical conclusion".

A day after a face-to-face meeting with Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks, who expressed "grave concern", Mr. Abramovich accused Liverpool of siding with West Ham by ferrying West Ham reserves to the East End.

"It is a shame that some of our partners are not helping us but, essentially, are hindering us," said Mr. Abramovich. "The very scale of this cynicism is astonishing."