ON THE MOVE: Monterrey Security to Columbus?

Rating: 2 (for the show)

This fist is racist.

MLS Rumors² just received the following email from a bartender at a Columbus area TGI Friday's:

The Crew are just putting the finishing touches on a deal with the Fire to swap 1,000 cases of bratwurst for Monterrey Security. It's just such a natural fit - who better to handle a horde of racist fans than a horde of racist security guards? And come on, brats and Chicago? Perfect together! The Fire tried to Jew the Crew up to 1,500 cases and a half-ton of Velveeta, but the Hunts stood strong. Wait, is it okay to say "Jew the Crew"? I mean, that's the phrase my source used, but now that I think about it, that sounds kinda, well, racist...huh...oh well. Heil Crew!

This fist is anti-racist. Look how different they are!

Monterrey Security: Coming soon to a Nordecke near you?

ON THE MOVE: Blanco to Rapids for Gomez? [UPDATED]

Gomito: Heading to Chicago with his posse? (Photo by flickr user IntangibleArts, used, uh, well, without permission...sorry! and linked via creative commons license... Thanks dude!)

MLS Rumors² has learned that embittered Chicago midfielder Cuahtemoc "Our Supporters Are [Garbage]" Blanco has requested a trade to the Colorado Rapids. Our super-secret source wrote us the following:

Cuah really wants to be part of an organization that shares his philosophy regarding supporters. Colorado, with its proven track record of disdain for its own supporters groups, is just a natural fit. He knows that if he finds anyone the least bit annoying, he need merely gesture to security, and the entire section will be cleared. Quite frankly, no other team in MLS can match that level of contempt for its own fans. Red Bulls were close, but their recent move to replace NJSEA security in Section 101 is a real step backwards for them.

Meanwhile, Christian Gomez, who once famously joined DC United away supporters for a match at the Meadowlands and drummed until his hands blistered, will be a natural fit in Chicago, since, as our source put it: "He actually likes supporters. I think it has something to do with him being from Argentina, because none of us here can quite understand it."

UPDATE: Remember how we said Blanco was Beyond Parody? We lied.

BREAKING: Blanco Officially "Beyond Parody"

CHICACO, 17 August, 2008: Chicago Fire midfielder Cuahtemoc Blanco offically moved "beyond parody," according to a panel of MLS Rumors Rumors staff writers. This follows the volatile player's post-game quote that his own team's supporters (who were protesting allegedly racist behavior by stadium security) are "[garbage]." Of course, he didn't really say "garbage," but the Tribune is a family newspaper, so we here at MLS Rumors Rumors don't know what actual slur Blanco used. Feel free to let us know in the comments, since, well, we're not a family blog.

Mr. White celebrates an own-goal in front of Section 8

The slander was rendered extra-super-duper ironic, as it comes on the heels of Blanco's own run-ins with police and stadium security.

"There's just nothing we can make up that even approaches what Blanco does all on his own," said one MLS Rumors Rumors writer. "I mean, seriously, this guy has a disciplinary record a mile long (*cough* domesticviolence *cough*), and he's criticizing his own team's supporters as drunks and [garbage]? Wow. We just can't top that. It's not even worth trying. Frankly, I'm rather disillusioned by this whole situation. This has to be the lowest point of my making shit up career."

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. II {{updated}}

Ivan Gazidis: This is really beautiful.
Mo: Well, look at this. It used to decorate the palace of a king.
Gazidis: Oh, yeah; very nice.
Mo: Why didnae you say you worked for Garber, Gazidis? I thought ye were just some cheap two-bit hustler Brian was running in tryin’ tae bluff me.
Gazidis: I don't like to use his name unless it's really necessary.
Mo: How's yer whisky, Ivan?
Gazidis: Fine.
Mo: Hey, come on over here wi’ me; I wanna show ye something really beautiful. Ye do appreciate beauty, don't ye?
[pause]
There ye are, $600,000 on four hooves. I bet a Roossian Czar never paid that kindae dough for a single horse. Souness. Souness. I'm nay gonna race him, though. I'm gonnae put him out to stud.
Gazidis: He's beautiful.
Mo: [to stablehand] Thankee, Tony.
Tony Meola: You're welcome...
Mo: [to Gazidis] Let's get something to eat, eh?
[break in tape]
Gazidis: Mr. Garber is Brian’s godfather. To the league office, that's a very religious, sacred, close relationship.
Mo: I respect that; just tell him he should ask me anything else. But this is one favor I canna give him.
Gazidis: He doesn't ask a second favor once he's been refused the first, understood?
Mo: You donnae understand. Brian McBride n’er plays for the Fire. That team is perfect for him, it'll make him a big star, and I'm gonnae run him out of the business - and let me tell you why: Brian McBride ruined one of TFC's most valuable sales reps. For two years we had her under contract - singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was gonnae make her a big star. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-c***, and that it's nay all pounds and shillings: She was beautiful; she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had it all over the world. And then Brian McBride comes along with his chiseled chin and midwestern manners, and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position cannae afford to be made to look ridiculous! No, you get the hell out of here. And ye tell that goomba that if he wants to try any rough stuff that I ain't no Nick Sakiewicz. Aye, I heard that story…
Gazidis: Thank you for the dinner and a very pleasant evening. If your car could take me to the airport; Mr. Garber is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

[break in tape]

Mo: [screaming] AAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAHHH! SOUNESSSSSS! SOUNESSSSSS! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

{{UPDATE}}

Looks like Ivan's trip to visit Mo paid off.

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. I

MLS Rumors Rumors has received an exclusive insider's account of the real story behind Brian McBride's pending move to Chicago. Our source secretly recorded some of the key meetings at MLS HQ, and has provided us with the transcripts:

Meeting 1:
McBride: I don't know what to do. My kneecap is -- is weak. It's weak. Anyway, uh, if I was playing for the Fire, ya'know, it puts me right back up on top again. But this, uh -- this man out there, he won't trade my allocation rights; the GM of TFC.

The Don:
What's his name?

McBride: Johnston. Johnston. He won't give it to me -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance. A couple months ago he picked up my allocation rights. I'm a returning national team player -- and Chicago, it's where I'm from. I uh -- I wouldn't even have to try -- just stand there while Blanco bounces balls off my head. Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

The Don: [SLAP!] YOU CAN ACT LIKE A *MAN*! What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out? A British finocchio that ah cries like a woman? What can I do?! What can I do?! What is that nonsense? Ridiculous.

[pause]

The Don: You want to spend time with your family in Chicago?

McBride: Sure I do.

The Don: Good. Because a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.

[pause]

The Don: Come here. You look terrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest a while. And in a month from now, this -- Scottish bigshot's gonna give you what you want.

McBride: It's too late. The season's already more than half over.

The Don: I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. Now you just go outside and enjoy yourself, and ah, forget about all this nonsense. I want you to leave it all to me.

NEXT: The Don's offer!