Breaking: DC United Identifies Midfielder

Scout/Director of Something/Former Assistant Coach Chad Ashton's trip to Argentina has gotten results. We at MLS Rumors Rumors utilizing our contacts in secret government agencies that you know nothing about and are probably unsavory, have uncovered the recent e-mail that Mr. Ashton sent back to the club. We print it in full below to keep you, the fan, informed. We print it because we can and we care about integrity and nothing says ethics like printing a hacked confidential e-mail.

So, without furth Adu ado:

Dave,

I think I've found our solution to our attacking midfield problem. We've got this Argentinian guy here that has some great moves and some awesome tape. He's got some MLS experience with a couple of teams, so he knows our league. Not only that but he has been voted MLS Best XI and won an MLS MVP award. The guy is quality and even helped his first team win an MLS Cup after joining mid-season. I think this guy would really be the boost we need to reach a mid-table level in the league. He's current keeping active but I think we could prize him away from his current club with the use of some allocation money. Perhaps we can trade for an allocation or DP slot, so that we can pick him up.

All the best,

Chad

EXCLUSIVE: New Gomito Country Song!

Ask not for whom la Barra sings. It sings for thee.

MLS Rumors² has an exclusive for you! A confidential inside source just sent us the lyrics to Christian Gomez' hawt new country tune, "Commerce City Blues" - check it out:

I hear la Barra singin'
They're bouncing in the stands
And I ain't seen 90 minutes since I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Commerce City, and time keeps draggin' on
But those fans keep a singin' on down in Wash-ing-ton...
When I was just a baby my mama said, "Christian,
Always be a good boy, don't ever make demands."
But I ended up a Rapid just for an extra year
When I hear those fans a singin', I hang my head in tears...

I bet there's players playin' in a fancy tournament
They're probably speakin' Spanish and can't hear my lament.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can't be free
But those fans keep a singin'
And that's what tortures me...

Well if they freed me from the Big Dick,
If la Barra sang for me
I bet I'd move it on right back to Washington, D.C.
Far from Commerce City, that's where I want to stay
And I'd let la Barra Brava sing my blues away...

ON THE MOVE: Blanco to Rapids for Gomez? [UPDATED]

Gomito: Heading to Chicago with his posse? (Photo by flickr user IntangibleArts, used, uh, well, without permission...sorry! and linked via creative commons license... Thanks dude!)

MLS Rumors² has learned that embittered Chicago midfielder Cuahtemoc "Our Supporters Are [Garbage]" Blanco has requested a trade to the Colorado Rapids. Our super-secret source wrote us the following:

Cuah really wants to be part of an organization that shares his philosophy regarding supporters. Colorado, with its proven track record of disdain for its own supporters groups, is just a natural fit. He knows that if he finds anyone the least bit annoying, he need merely gesture to security, and the entire section will be cleared. Quite frankly, no other team in MLS can match that level of contempt for its own fans. Red Bulls were close, but their recent move to replace NJSEA security in Section 101 is a real step backwards for them.

Meanwhile, Christian Gomez, who once famously joined DC United away supporters for a match at the Meadowlands and drummed until his hands blistered, will be a natural fit in Chicago, since, as our source put it: "He actually likes supporters. I think it has something to do with him being from Argentina, because none of us here can quite understand it."

UPDATE: Remember how we said Blanco was Beyond Parody? We lied.