DC United Introduces Ben Olsen as New Head Coach

Introductory statements from KP and Benny at today's press conference:

Breaking: DC United to Select New Coach

This just in from the Internet rumor mill. Reviled manager Jose Mourinho is looking to escape the troubles of Real Madrid and is looking for a quiet place to unwind and go on the lam.

Could he be the next DC United manager?

Mourinho is just crazy enough to get the genius of Kevin Payne and Dave Kasper.

EXCLUSIVE: KP and Kasper discuss transfer targets!

WASHINGTON, DC: Our source, who we must again stress is not necessarily a raccoon, has provided us with another gem - exclusive footage of Kevin Jong-il and Dave Kasper discussing DC United's targets for the current transfer window! Enjoy!

Breaking: DC United Identifies Midfielder

Scout/Director of Something/Former Assistant Coach Chad Ashton's trip to Argentina has gotten results. We at MLS Rumors Rumors utilizing our contacts in secret government agencies that you know nothing about and are probably unsavory, have uncovered the recent e-mail that Mr. Ashton sent back to the club. We print it in full below to keep you, the fan, informed. We print it because we can and we care about integrity and nothing says ethics like printing a hacked confidential e-mail.

So, without furth Adu ado:

Dave,

I think I've found our solution to our attacking midfield problem. We've got this Argentinian guy here that has some great moves and some awesome tape. He's got some MLS experience with a couple of teams, so he knows our league. Not only that but he has been voted MLS Best XI and won an MLS MVP award. The guy is quality and even helped his first team win an MLS Cup after joining mid-season. I think this guy would really be the boost we need to reach a mid-table level in the league. He's current keeping active but I think we could prize him away from his current club with the use of some allocation money. Perhaps we can trade for an allocation or DP slot, so that we can pick him up.

All the best,

Chad

Latest: DC United Staff to Run for Office

After getting rebuffed at every turn by the DC council and mayor, DC United has decided to take a new tack to get their stadium built in the District. They are running for office!

We are being informed that several DC staff members, including Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, Stephen Zack, and others will be launching bids to become the next mayor and DC council. Each staffer has moved into the District and now live in the various wards across the city. Coordinating the entire process will be future mayor Kevin Payne.

“Lobbying and negotiating with politicians is for suckers! Those backstabbing, money-grubbing, popularity seeking pols just want to use us. We are going to take our efforts to the next level. When I am mayor and my staff are the DC Council, you’ll see how fast we get our stadium done. You’ll see DC United raised to the proper level in the District. It will be Power to the People and a New Era of Enlightenment will be upon us. Our sport has been banned by Kings and Mayors because they fear the freedom and liberty we embody on the field and in the stands. DC United to elected DC United!”