ON THE MOVE: Monterrey Security to Columbus?

Rating: 2 (for the show)

This fist is racist.

MLS Rumors² just received the following email from a bartender at a Columbus area TGI Friday's:

The Crew are just putting the finishing touches on a deal with the Fire to swap 1,000 cases of bratwurst for Monterrey Security. It's just such a natural fit - who better to handle a horde of racist fans than a horde of racist security guards? And come on, brats and Chicago? Perfect together! The Fire tried to Jew the Crew up to 1,500 cases and a half-ton of Velveeta, but the Hunts stood strong. Wait, is it okay to say "Jew the Crew"? I mean, that's the phrase my source used, but now that I think about it, that sounds kinda, well, racist...huh...oh well. Heil Crew!

This fist is anti-racist. Look how different they are!

Monterrey Security: Coming soon to a Nordecke near you?

Crew Look to Brazil for New Talent, Supporters

Rating: 0 (utter bullshit)

We recently received the following email from someone named "Guppy":

They saved Hitler's brain! Sounds incredible, almost unbelievable, but yes, it's true: in order to further their plans, the Columbus Crew's supporters have enlisted the help of Hitler's brain! A supporter group secretly traveled to South America and with the aid of doctors down there and financing from ABC Fertilizer Inc and several other similar companies common to Columbus, they revived the head of Hitler to help them with 'their tactics.' Hitler's head had been frozen according to his last wishes in 1975 and kept in a freezer in the basement of a sympathizer ...

Here is what is rumored to be their new logo, which will be unveiled shortly.

Well, since we have an ongoing demented obsession fascination with the right-wing leanings of the Crew and their supporters, this piqued our interest, so we did a little more digging around...and it turns out that Deep Guppy only scratched the surface! MLS Rumors² sent senior Crew correspondent Ezra Lieberman to Brazil to investigate, and he turned up a list of Brazilian players who are actually Hitler clones! As of this posting, we are unable to confirm if Stefani Miglioranzi is on the list...

NEW SPONSOR: Hovis Bread to Back Columbus

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that British baker Hovis will be sponsoring the Columbus Crew as the team's Official Bread. The announcement will be made following the unveiling of Hovis' new sponsorship deal with Manchester United striker and noted chav, Wayne Rooney.

BREAKING: MLS Rumors to Publish "David Duke: Crew Supporter" Interview

Rating: 4 (muthaf*ckin' tizzight)

In the wake of the Guardian's condescending and ill-informed gripping un-researched snark-fest exposé regarding the Massive Soccer Riot at Crew Stadium "at" the weekend, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that MLS Rumors is planning to publish an interview with Crew Fanboy David Duke.

"We heard a rumor that the Crew will be re-branding as the Krew, which isn't what we meant when we told them to Get. It. Together." Said our source. "So we decided to interview David Duke to get his reaction, and it turns out - no surprise - that he's a big-time Krew supporter. This interview will blow the lid off of the seamy underbelly of institutionalized hate that seethes in the jack-booted nordecke!

"Did I mention that Krew fans are all Nazis? Because they are.

"Nazis."