Tree Falls In Forest, Out-Draws Revs-Fire

QUIMBY, Maine: Local authorities announced this morning that, on the evening of October 30, 2008, a tree fell in the forest approximately 2.2 miles to the north and east of this remote hamlet. Local alderman Jaques Courvoisier told MLS Rumors²: "It was a big sucker. Yawp, made quite a racket comin' down. I reckon at least 5,500 people musta heard it - it's prime huntin' season, and I bet the sound carried clear over to Presque Isle."

Phineas Parkhurst "Diamond Phin" Quimby, whose lifeless corpse helped boost the falling tree's attendance.

Last night's Revolution-Fire playoff match was "attended" by "5,221" "people" at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts, meaning that the Revolution were out-drawn by a tree falling in a remote forest in northern Maine.

pwnd!

pwnd!

Garber: Revs, Chivas "Not Tired Enough;" SuperLiga '09 to Double in Size

Reached from his secret volcano lair, MLS Commissioner Don "The Don" Garber today told MLS Rumors² that he was disappointed in the performance of both New England and Chivas USA in their recent CONCACAF Champions League qualifiers. "Frankly, I expected them to lose by more than they did. It's a disappointment. We set the schedule up the way we did - SuperLiga, playing on international dates, loading the league schedule towards the end of the season - so that these guys would fail miserably, and maybe shut the hell up about the missing $850,000 in SuperLiga money. And what do they do? Sure, they go and lose to a couple of minnows, but they didn't get *crushed.* The Revs in particular really need to be taken down a peg. I'm disappointed, but we'll come back next year with a bigger, longer, SuperLiga. That ought to do the trick."

The Don then added, "Thank god Cruz Azul are in DC United's group. That oughta be good for another 5-0 beatdown in Mexico City, right?"

Hilgenbrinck Resurrected at Ansan Hallelujah FC

Former New England Revoluçion hardman Chase Hilgenbrink has turned up in an unlikely location...Ansan, a city in the Gyeonjji Province of South Korea. Ansan Hallelujah FC! He is risen!

It was widely reported that Hilgenbrink had hung up his boots for the last time in Foxboro, MA preferring entering the priesthood to enduring any more dutch ovens from his roadtrip room mate Jay Heaps or "turbowedgies" from team jokester Kenny Mansally.

“I felt called to something greater,” Hilgenbrinck said. “At one time I thought that call might be professional soccer. In the past few years, I found my soul is hungry for something else. I discerned, through prayer, that it was calling me to the Catholic Church. I do not want this call to pass me by.”

Now, inside sources who frequent a kim-chi/whiskey bar in the dong where Hilgenbrink apparently resides, report seeing the one time Ñublense and Huachipato defender with a copy of Korean for Beginners under one arm and a rosary clutched in his hand as he wandered through the door of the establishment.

Presumably, the inclusion of the word "Hellelujah" in the name of the club, plus the a wage packet higher than the burger-slinging rates offered by MLS brass, has eased the transition back into football. Looking at the stadium where Hallelujah play, it is no wonder Hilgenbrinck had a change of heart.

Surprisingly, Ansan Hallelujah FC was founded by protestant missionaries in 1980, Hilgenbrinck is Catholic. It was the missionaries' position that vigorous physical exercise was good for the soul, and so they were more than happy to bang the drum for the fledgling K-League in 1983.

Will this return to the church of football lead to a recall from Bob Bradley? Stay tuned readers, MLSRumors² will unveil all as it is learned.

in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti