Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

BREAKING: DC United Announce Bid For 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

United Supporters Celebrate the Announcement of the Team's Bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

WASHINGTON, DC: DC United today announced that they have presented the U.S. Soccer Federation with a bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup. For several seasons, opponents have complained about United's penchant for only playing Open Cup matches at home, and the team has decided to take things to the logical next step for next year's competition.

A United spokesman gave the following statement at a press event this morning: "Here at DC United, our motto is 'It Takes More,' and we try to extend that to everything we do. For next year, that means submitting a bid to bring the Open Cup back here where it belongs. We think the numbers in our bid are solid, and we expect to be awarded the Cup once the Federation has examined the package."

When asked whether the team felt it's supporters would care that United was attempting to acquire the Cup without actually competing for it, the spokesman replied, "Hey, bidding is, by definition, a competition. If Seattle really wants the Cup, they're welcome to try to outbid us."

Breaking: DHS Seeking Thierry Henry in Coyote Plot

According to an unnamed and unconfirmed source, the Department of Homeland Security is seeking Thierry Henry for questioning in connection with alleged trafficking in soccer players. The former Arsenal player jumped ship for the warmer shores of Spain to play for Barcelona but ended up sitting on the bench a lot because, come on, a guy his age just doesn't have the quality a top side need. The aging striker is now under suspicion of smuggling players into the US.

Unconfirmed speculation is that he had stashed the entire starting lineup of Paris St. Germain in his garage, awaiting MLS signings. Unfortunately for him, no one in MLS had heard of them and no team with room under the salary cap was willing to take them on consignment without more than video evidence (DC United was reportedly "very, very interested," but was still looking to make a deal for cap room and DP slots at the time this article went to publication). Henry's neighbors called the authorities after the smells emanating from the garage became overpowering; when the police opened the garage, they found the Parisian squad sitting around smoking Gauloises cigarettes, eating ham and brie on buttered baguettes, and misting cologne over their unwashed bodies. The police tried to help the players but were rebuffed until a translator was brought to the scene, at which point they were mercilessly taunted until they left.

Breaking: Beckerman Seeks Octopus' Advice

Kyle Beckerman is reportedly seeking the advice of Paul the Octopus regarding the future of his hair. The Real Salt Lake standout is making a decision on keeping his current hairstyle or sporting one of those Freddie Ljungberg landing strip mohawks.


After asking his normal consultative and decision making assistant, the Magic 8 Ball, if he should keep his current style, the Magic 8 Ball said:

Mr. Beckerman decided that he needed a better oracle of wisdom and knowledge. Enter Paul the Octopus.



No word yet if Paul is willing to venture an oracle regarding such a monumental decision, however, his handlers are rumored to be seeking additional revenue streams taking advantage of the cephalopods' predictive abilities.

Latest: MLS Rumors Rumors Staff Found!

Yes, after weeks of not posting or postings regarding some piddly little tournament halfway around the world, we here at MLS Rumors Rumors have found our staff. They were literally passed out drunk in the basement of a local bar. One was mumbling over and over again: "Please, I won't quote you, but tell me what did Sebastian Veron's hair stylist say about Messi's interest in Real Salt Lake..."

So, never fear, we will be back to regularly scheduled news updates any minute now!