Koman Coulibaly: I Don't Like Fridays

The silicon chip inside his head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna win the match today,
Hee's going to make them draw instead.
Bob Bradley doesn't understand it,
He really thought that it was a goal.
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to disallow
The whole damn day.

The telex machine is kept so clean
As it types to a waiting world.
And Landon feels so shocked,
Edu's world is rocked,
And their thoughts turn to
Their own little ref.
The round of 16 ain't so peachy keen,
No, it ain't so neat to admit defeat.
They can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

All the playing's stopped at Ellis Park now
He wants to play with his toys a while.
And the match ended early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to tie.
And then the tannoy crackles,
And the manager crackles,
With the problems and the how's and why's.
And he can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to tie?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

Local Fan Attempts to Reconcile Hatred of Bob Bradley with Love of USMNT, Fails

Do Not Trust This Man

RESTON, VA: In an exclusive interview with MLS Rumors Rumors, Dave Thomasson, a Northern Virginia man widely known for his passionate love of both DC United and the United States national team, expressed his recent struggle to reconcile his love of the Nats with his burning hatred of the man he refers to only as "Cheatin' Bob":

MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us, Dave. Why don't you start from the beginning: why exactly do you hate Bob Bradley so much? After all, didn't his coaching career start as an assistant at DC United?

Dave Thomasson: He did start at DC...and that only makes what he did even harder to stomach...it was back in July 2003, and Cheatin' Bob was coaching the Metroscum in a game against DC at RFK. It was balls hot, and MLS still had that Mickey Mouse overtime rule. They also had a Mickey Mouse "fourth sub" rule, that allowed a team to make a fourth substitution, but only for the 'keeper. You know, so if your keeper blows out his ACL after you burned your last sub, you aren't hung out to dry, right?

MLSR²: Right, I remember that.

DT: Yeah, well, like I said, it's balls hot, and both teams have used up their three standard subs...and the game is tied at the end of regulation. So in OT, that cheating bastard has Eddie fucking Gaven sub in for a field player, but he takes Tim Howard's keeper jersey and comes on in goal. Like, 30 seconds later the ball goes out of play, and as soon as play stops, Gaven and Howard trade jerseys and Howard goes back to goal. Total fucking bullshit. And *then*, because it's fucking hot as the balls on Satan's rottweiler, and everyone else is gassed, Gaven makes a fucking fifty-yard run and scores the winner. It was fucking cheating bullshit, and it was all Cheatin' Bob's doing.

MLSR²: Which brings us to the World Cup, right?

DT: Right. I mean, I love the Nats. The MNT are, like, my heroes, man. I've got a United tattoo on my left shoulder, but I've got the 1950 USMNT crest tattooed on my heart, man. No lie, check it out! [ed. He wasn't kidding.] So I was all set to take out a home equity loan and go to South Africa to follow the Yanks...but then I was watching a qualifier...the one against T&T in Nashville? And they showed a closeup of Cheatin' Bob's face, and it was like a dam broke, you know? Like I'd repressed all these memories for so long, and then the hate just bubbled up, like oil from a blown-out BP well...and I just stood up in the middle of the bar - I was watching at Kitty's in Arlington, right? I just stood up, and started screaming at the TV: "BRADLEY! You fucking cheat! You fucking worthless, no-good, cheating bastard! Fuck you, Bob! Fuck you and your little cheating bitch boy Gaven! You fucking cheats!"

MLSR²: Wow. So were people a little freaked out?

DT: That's the weird thing, man. People started cheering me on! Everyone in the bar was started chanting "CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!" It was seriously cathartic, man.

MLSR²: So you bailed on South Africa?

DT: I just couldn't, man.

MLSR²: You hate Bradley that much?

DT: No, I mean, I literally couldn't. My house is completely underwater - there's no way I could get a home equity loan...

Soccer Bar "Capo" Bounced By Bar Staff

NEW YORK, NY, 15 June, 2010: MLS Rumors Rumors has confirmed that notorious self-appointed "Yank Capo" Steven "Little Steven" Vandermere was unceremoniously ejected from a Manhattan soccer bar during the U.S.-England World Cup match this past Saturday. According to our source, the coke dealer for a bartender at the bar, which we will call Utah Jones's, though that is not, in fact, its actual name:

Little Steven was kinda being a dick during the early games, you know, talking shit to all the Greeks and Argentines, but whatever, you know? That's just Steven, he's a dick.

Then we got into the pre-game stuff for the U.S. game...Oh man, he took it up a notch. He was standing up on a bar stool, and it was all, "You'd be German!" and "Lend Lease was Limey welfare, Lend Lease was Limey welfare, oh-way oh-way, oh-way oh-way!" I mean, they let that slide, because it was kinda funny, in a douchetastic sorta way...but then the game started, and Gerrard scored right away, and that kinda took the crowd out of it. So Little Steven was up on his stool, and no one's following his chants, or joining in his songs, or whatever. I mean, the best he could get out of people was a really half-assed "U-S-A" chant. It was sad, really...but Little Steven just fucking FREAKED, man...he starts laying into people, you know? Like, shit like, "Fucking sing, you fucking pussies! What the fuck? Sing, bitches, fucking SING!"

Little Steven puts on his game face.

I mean, it was really making people uncomfortable, right? So he's just up on his stool, making an ass of himself, and finally this guy standing right next to him - and seriously, this dude was almost as tall as Little Steven, only without standing on a bar stool, you know? I mean, dude was *huge*, right? So this big dude just looks at Little Steven, and he says, real loud, "Dude, you know the team can't fucking tell if we're singing or not, right?" And everyone in the place just busts out laughing...and then Little Steven just fucking jumped on the dude. Like, just fucking jumped on him and tried to start whaling on him...so the big dude just like walks towards the door, with Little Steven hanging on him, and the crowd just fucking parts, like the Red fucking Sea, right? People are like, "Yo, what?" And the bid dude just gets to the front door, plucks Little Steven off like he was a fucking Chihuahua, chucks him out onto the sidewalk, turns, and walks back into the bar.

Little Steven spent, like, the next 20 minutes trying to get back in, but the dude working the door was all, "Sorry, bro, but we're over capacity, Fire Marshall won't let anyone else in." Finally he just gave up and left. I'd say it was kinda sad, but for real? I haven't stopped laughing about it, man. Just watching that little dude, all dressed up like Uncle Sam's Mini-Me, getting thrown out onto the street like a rag doll after calling everyone in that whole bar pussies for not singing at a fucking television.

Breaking: Kljestan Interview

As we totally would have informed you first if we had actually posted it instead of forgetting, Sacha Kljestan is off to Belgium. He was unsuspectingly coming out of the hair salon when we totally ambushed him TMZ-Style and asked him some questions:

Q: What are you most looking forward to in Belgium?

A: French fries. I totally heard that they aren't actually from France but from Belgium. I'm so all over that.

Q: Really? Not the girls, the fame, the fact that Onyewu got picked up by AC Milan after playing in Belgium?

A: Dude, I'm like a total French Fry connoisseur. Did you know that there are 463 ways to make French Fries?

Q: No we did not. But really, about the football in Belgium.

A: There are the slow fry, flash fry, quick fry, deep fried, peanut oil fried, canola oil fried...

He went on for another ten minutes before getting into his 2010 Lexus with new car tags and driving off into the Los Angeles smog.

Local Temple of Broseidon to Host WC Parties in Attempt to "Slay Mad Foreign Bitches"

Spartans! Tonight we Ice each other IN HELL!!1!one!!1eleven!

MOUNT PLEASANT, WASHINGTON, DC:

The local brah-halla known by its occupants as "Sparta" and the "Temple of Broseidon" has announced that it will be hosting numerous viewing parties during the upcoming month-long World Cup tournament. The residents of the house, made infamous by a recent roommate-wanted ad on craigslist, told MLS Rumors² that they expected to use the parties as a means of "slaying mad foreign bitches":

I mean, we always just figured soccer was for fags, and not cock diesel bros like us, but then our recent international brotege, Sergio, totally schooled us. He went to see some Italian team play whatever the hell the team here is called, the Uniteds or something, and he, like, totally brought home these two SMOKING hot foreign chicks. We were all, Brah, is there any more soccer coming up? And he was like, my Brosephs, the World Cup is, like, totally about to start. We were all, the Kingdom of Brah is there, bro! Then he said it's in South Africa, so we were all, let's fire up the 60" LED and bring on the foreign chicks! Plus, Sergio totally works at the World Bank, brah, so we're gonna be swimming in foreign tail! It's gonna be Teddy Brosevelt leading the Rough Riders all over again, yo!

Via further inquiries, MLS Rumors² has confirmed that the Temple of Broseidon will be converting its protein shake blenders into "Brah-garita blenders" for the duration of the World Cup.