MLS Loses 2000 – 2003 Records for DC United

As part of the shambolic re-design of the MLS website, MLS executives have discovered that all records concerning DC United have been lost from the 2000 through the 2003 seasons. According to our sources close to sources that know of places in New York, where the MLS executives might have had a drink or two, MLS approached DC United about the missing records but failed to secure them because no one at DC United or amongst the fans can remember the missing seasons.

Could this be a picture from the mythical 2003 Season?

"Look, I’d like to be able to remember those times. I know that we had a couple coaches and picked up some players and I can only assume that we played a few matches, but really, I have no recall of that time.” Stated one fan on condition of anonymity, citing the burden this amnesia has placed upon his friends and family.

MLS has resolved to piece together the past using records kept by other teams. They are also considering counseling for DC United staff and fans to see if they just have a mental block in trying to remember those seasons.

Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey Suspected of Demon Worship

If you have ever been to the Red Bulls Park in Red Bulls Harrison, Red Bulls New Jersey, then you may have been affected. Fortunately aside from the opening day crowd that was kidnapped and bussed to the stadium, most people in northern New Jersey and all of New York remain safe. According to a rumored satellite photo, it is clear that a giant pentagram and thaumaturgic triangle are carved into the field at the newly opened grounds. This can only mean that Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey have engaged in demon worship and summoning. Our sources believe this explains their unexpected form and success in this new MLS season.

Artists rendition of the rumored demon raising in North Jersey - note that the RBNYRDoHNJ even got a pony in the blood sealed bargain.

MLS Rumorsrumors has been trying to investigate the rumors of rumors of virgin sacrifices and other rites for some significant time. According to Internet data, the team regularly meets in order to pay homage to their blood thirsty lords of the underworld. In exchange for providing human sacrifices and other gifts (apparently demons really like $30 gift cards to certain coffee chains that like to speak in tongues), the demons have promised to help the Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey in their quest for winning something meaningful or at least making the playoffs.

Know that if we fall off the face of the earth, it is because of the massive conspiracy of demon worshiping evil-doers from northern New Jersey and not because we have nothing to write for our site. They are totally at fault.

DC United Looks Forward to the World Cup

Four matches into the season and four losses on the books, DC United’s front office is apparently looking for the World Cup to distract fans from the abysmal display of football at RFK. According to a local source that may have overheard several front office bigwigs at lunch, DC United believes that the World Cup will be a marketing bonanza for the struggling MLS team. Our source believes one of the executives said:

“Look, we can keep our fans thinking that we will bring in a big World Cup star after the tournament. That will hold them until July, no matter how many losses we rack up. And then post-World Cup if we announce we are making a few fact-finding and scouting missions, Chang will cover our vacations. By the time the fans are the wiser, it will be August and DC United will be pushed off the radar by the Redskins. This could work…”

Attempts to think about calling DC United were unsuccessful and no one at the club was given the opportunity to deny or confirm our suspicions.

Glenn Beck Calls MLS CBA "Worse Than 9/11"

Speaking on his syndicated radio program earlier today, paid gold industry spokesman Glenn Beck lashed out at the recently finalized MLS collective bargaining agreement, calling it, "Worse than 9/11." A partial transcript:

Well, folks, it seems like the insanity and corruption and socialist Nazi communism that have infected Congress and the White House have spread further into Washington, DC. Just this past Saturday, under cover of darkness, the "community organizers" who run the MLS Players' Association rammed a deal down the throats of the league's owners. Despite the fact that 73% of Americans say MLS should start all over on the CBA, these so-called "progressives" have decided to repeatedly thrust their backroom deal down America's throats, and in doing so, well, they've opened the door to the socialist utopia of free agency...and I hate to tell you, it's only going to get worse from here.

The MLS CBA Got Glenn Beck A Little Choked Up
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"But Glenn," you say, "there's no free agency under the new CBA; how can that be socialism?" Well, I'll tell you how: the new deal establishes a "re-entry draft"...and what is a "draft?" A draft is something that governments use to force people into military service against their will! And once this "draft" becomes just another part of the landscape for people to ignore, the community organizers will raise a hue and cry for more "social justice," and start agitating for "free agency." This whole thing is a bigger disaster than 9/11, only this time, the Obama administration, through the shady machinations of a federal "mediator" in a smoke-filled room, has not only abetted the disaster, but according to at the Commissioner himself, listen to this, the deal "would not have gotten done without the mediator." I'll tell you, if that doesn't send a chill down your spine, you'd better check your pulse, because Obamacare may already have killed you.

"But Glenn," you say, "isn't free agency just a part of professional sports in the 21st Century?" And you know something? You're right. It is just a part of sports these days...but you know something else? I remember a time, back when I was just a boy, when players were obligated to a single team for as long as that team had a use for them...it was a simpler time, a time of innocence, before athletes became the greedy, money-grubbing, HgH-shooting whores of Babylon that they are today...it was a time when players knew where they stood in the eyes of their owners and their fans. A time when developmental players made less than minimum wage. A time when players popped greenies and dexies, and drank, and smoked, and slept around. A time when America was young...

...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want to cry...it's just that...that I love the MLS so much...and I fear for it...

RUMOR: Chinaglia to Manage RBNY?

Chinaglia with Noted Smokeless Tobacco Enthusiast Shep Messing

TAOS, NM: MLS Rumors Rumors was tripping balls on some peyote buttons yesterday when our Spirit Guide informed us that the bartender at his local has an inside line on the leading candidate to guide the Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey as they move into their grand new building on the banks of the scenic Passaic River. According to notes we scrawled in our authentic replica of Daniel Faraday's notebook, apparently in blood (not ours, thankfully), the coyote told us the following:

It's basically a done deal. RBNYRBOHNJ are returning to their NASL roots and bringing in Giorgio Chinaglia to manage the team. That whole Lazio extortion thing went nowhere, and now Chinaglia is looking for a new challenge. Red Bull's corporate bigwigs back in Austria think he's the perfect fit for the team; they're especially taken with his knowledge of and respect for MLS.

Our Spirit Guide Gives Us The Scoop On RBNYRBOHNJ's Coaching Search (Artist's Depiction)