MLS Loses 2000 – 2003 Records for DC United

As part of the shambolic re-design of the MLS website, MLS executives have discovered that all records concerning DC United have been lost from the 2000 through the 2003 seasons. According to our sources close to sources that know of places in New York, where the MLS executives might have had a drink or two, MLS approached DC United about the missing records but failed to secure them because no one at DC United or amongst the fans can remember the missing seasons.

Could this be a picture from the mythical 2003 Season?

"Look, I’d like to be able to remember those times. I know that we had a couple coaches and picked up some players and I can only assume that we played a few matches, but really, I have no recall of that time.” Stated one fan on condition of anonymity, citing the burden this amnesia has placed upon his friends and family.

MLS has resolved to piece together the past using records kept by other teams. They are also considering counseling for DC United staff and fans to see if they just have a mental block in trying to remember those seasons.

MLS Rumors² Exclusive: Interview With Ben Olsen's Ankles

Ben's Left Ankle Takes A Break After The Season's First Practice

WASHINGTON, DC 22 January, 2009: DC United opened its 2009 training camp today at RFK Stadium, and MLS Rumors² took advantage of a chance to grab a rare and exclusive interview with Ben Olsen's ankles. The full transcript follows:

MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us! Can you give our readers a sense of what you did to keep busy this past off season?

Ben Olsen's Ankles: My pleasure. Yeah, it was a really, really hectic off season for us. For starters, Ben's got a new baby, so in addition to our usual off-season routine of growing bone spurs and calcifying, we spent a LOT of time bouncing up and down and side-to-side trying to get little Ruby Lou to settle down and sleep. It was brutal. Oh my god, was it brutal.

MLS Rumors²: Really? That bad?

BOA: Let's put it this way: it was so bad, we decided to skip the whole calcifying thing in the end and actually let Ben get back to training, just to get a break. I swear, if I have to hear that stupid musical mobile play one more endless loop of Bach, I'm gonna flip like my name was Turner. Nat Turner, Ted Turner, shit, man, Ike Turner.

MLS Rumors²: Sounds like you're a fan of the Roots.

BOA: Oh yeah. We're from Pennsylvania, man, gotta represent.

MLS Rumors²: Yeah, but you've been in DC a long time. Any local favorites?

BOA: Man, the whole DC scene has been all downhill since Velocity Girl broke up...and then Q and Not U. Damn, man. At least Chuck Brown is still going strong.

MLS Rumors²: So you like some go-go?

BOA: Oh yeah. True story: this one time, I was out on the town with Jaime Moreno's trick back and Josh Gros's eggshell skull...we wound up at some random club somewhere in PG around 2 AM, just groovin' to the Junkyard Band...you haven't lived until you've heard Gros's skull singin' "Sardines," or seen Jaime's back doing the Hee-Haw.

MLS Rumors²: That's wild, man.

BOA: Oh yeah. That was a crazy night. Gros's skull is a madman!

MLS Rumors²: Getting back to the on-the-field stuff, who's been your favorite accent to play for?

BOA: Oh, great question! Tommy Soehn's accent is straight whitebread, but Bruce's Lawngisland was a class act, and Piotr's faux-Drago was a trip...still, it's really a two-accent race between Rongen's Dutch Treat and Hudson's Geordie Burr...and honestly, it's no contest...Ray's accent is just in a league of its own.

MLS Rumors²: What about your plans for the upcoming season? Any changes in store for you guys?

BOA: We could tell you, but we'd have to kill you! [laughter] No, seriously, we're just going to try to keep a low profile, maybe flare up just enough in the evenings to keep Ben the hell away from that damn musical mobile on Ruby Lou's crib. Nothing too serious, just enough to make Meghan feel bad about asking Ben to help out after practice.

MLS Rumors²: Well, thanks again for talking to us...

BOA: Our pleasure...hey, can we give a shout-out to our boy, Dr. Hazel's scalpel? Yo-yo! What up, S-Dawg?!

OUTGOINGish... Hudson to Tyneside

Premier League circus performers Newcastle United are mooted to be calling in Ray "Rocky" Hudson to take over for overgrown manchild Kevin Keegan. The former Patrick spokesmodel was either fired or resigned or is still manager depending on what reports you choose to believe, but all signs point to the hiring of the former DC United and Miami Fusion coach.

MLSRumors² sources inside George Mirette hair salon in Coral Gables tell us that "Rocky" was positively effusive with his praise of the talent available at Newcastle. As he was being shampooed and toweled he said "There’s a lot of talent on this team, and I’m talking Anna Nicole Smith type of talent!" An apt description to be sure, given the preferred shape of things at St. James Park.

Talk is rife of Huddo's first signing being mercurial Argentine Juan Roman Riquelme, of whom the manager is an unabashed fan. He once said of Riquelme:

Matador. Look at him, so languid, look at him walking. He's like a big, beautiful zombie, Riquelme, like a big, beautiful zombie. He just strolls around languid like, like smoke off a cigarette, you know. And then he jump out and just draw your blood.