Pretty In Rossoneri, Pt. 1

The on-again, off-again, will he or won't he saga of David Beckham's Italian Job was giving us some serious deja vu...so we dug back into the archives and realized we'd seen this all before, in John Hughes' 1986 coming-of-age classic, Pretty In Pink. We've taken the liberty of updating Hughes' masterpiece, which we are presenting to you, our lucky, lucky readers, in serial form, beginning right here, right now, with Part 1 of John Hughes soon-to-be classic, Pretty In Rossoneri:


Landon: Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, wake up! Morning, Bruce. Come on, wake up! Wake up! Come on, wake up. There's your coffee right there.

Bruce: Where am I?

Landon: Here, I want you to drink this. Then take a shower and get dressed. Your clothes are there. Then I want you to see the scouts about the new signings. Today. You promised.

Bruce: I know. What would I do without you nagging me all the time?

Landon: You really want me to answer that?

Bruce: Yeah, I've been gettin' in kinda late lately. We haven't had a chance to talk.

Landon: Don't worry about it. There hasn't been a lot to say.

Bruce: Is everything all right with you?

Landon: Yeah.

Bruce: Is Germany good?

Landon: No, but it never is.

Bruce: Have you been asked for a permanent transfer?

Landon: No. Not yet.

Bruce: When was the last time I told you how beautiful you are?

Landon: About yesterday.

Bruce: Turn around.

Landon: What?

Bruce: You know what. Let me see this outfit. Is this your latest creation?

Landon: This is it.

Bruce: My God, what did that cost you?

Landon: About $20 for the shoes, second-hand, and I made the rest.

Bruce: Unbelievable. I was thinking maybe that you could do something with this. Maybe put some ruffles here...

Landon: Come on, get up! Really, I mean it. This means a lot to me.

Bruce: I am perfectly happy with what I'm doing.

Landon: Perfectly happy coaching a shit MLS side that hasn't even made the playoffs since 2007?

Bruce: No. That's why I'm getting up.

Landon: OK. I'll make you some breakfast.

Bruce: I'm up.

Top 10 Reasons Beckham wants to leave the Galaxy

David Beckham has MLS rules named after him. We hear that Don Garber refers to a part of his anatomy as his Beckham (no not that, his "sweet left foot"). But we all knew it was too good to last. So, we've uncovered the top 10 reasons that David Beckham wants to leave LA:

10) Tired of MLS commentators fawning over his every free kick.
9) Tired of Li'l Cobi dogging him about taking him to the club.
8) Tired of getting mugged by developmental players in the locker room.
7) Bruce Arena's habit of referring to himself in the 3rd person.
6) Tired of the 12 year old girls screaming his name at every Galaxy match - even if he isn't on the pitch or even in town.
5) Victoria keeps threatening to name the next kid, Redondo.
4) MLS plays in the summer, which is when all his buddies are relaxing in Mallorca.
3) While he loves the herb, he's not so sure about herbalife...
2) Abbey Okulaja.

And the number one reason:

While Alexis Lalas was always on about a "Super club", David really is getting tired of underoos...

MLS Rumors² Exclusive: Interview With Ben Olsen's Ankles

Ben's Left Ankle Takes A Break After The Season's First Practice

WASHINGTON, DC 22 January, 2009: DC United opened its 2009 training camp today at RFK Stadium, and MLS Rumors² took advantage of a chance to grab a rare and exclusive interview with Ben Olsen's ankles. The full transcript follows:

MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us! Can you give our readers a sense of what you did to keep busy this past off season?

Ben Olsen's Ankles: My pleasure. Yeah, it was a really, really hectic off season for us. For starters, Ben's got a new baby, so in addition to our usual off-season routine of growing bone spurs and calcifying, we spent a LOT of time bouncing up and down and side-to-side trying to get little Ruby Lou to settle down and sleep. It was brutal. Oh my god, was it brutal.

MLS Rumors²: Really? That bad?

BOA: Let's put it this way: it was so bad, we decided to skip the whole calcifying thing in the end and actually let Ben get back to training, just to get a break. I swear, if I have to hear that stupid musical mobile play one more endless loop of Bach, I'm gonna flip like my name was Turner. Nat Turner, Ted Turner, shit, man, Ike Turner.

MLS Rumors²: Sounds like you're a fan of the Roots.

BOA: Oh yeah. We're from Pennsylvania, man, gotta represent.

MLS Rumors²: Yeah, but you've been in DC a long time. Any local favorites?

BOA: Man, the whole DC scene has been all downhill since Velocity Girl broke up...and then Q and Not U. Damn, man. At least Chuck Brown is still going strong.

MLS Rumors²: So you like some go-go?

BOA: Oh yeah. True story: this one time, I was out on the town with Jaime Moreno's trick back and Josh Gros's eggshell skull...we wound up at some random club somewhere in PG around 2 AM, just groovin' to the Junkyard Band...you haven't lived until you've heard Gros's skull singin' "Sardines," or seen Jaime's back doing the Hee-Haw.

MLS Rumors²: That's wild, man.

BOA: Oh yeah. That was a crazy night. Gros's skull is a madman!

MLS Rumors²: Getting back to the on-the-field stuff, who's been your favorite accent to play for?

BOA: Oh, great question! Tommy Soehn's accent is straight whitebread, but Bruce's Lawngisland was a class act, and Piotr's faux-Drago was a trip...still, it's really a two-accent race between Rongen's Dutch Treat and Hudson's Geordie Burr...and honestly, it's no contest...Ray's accent is just in a league of its own.

MLS Rumors²: What about your plans for the upcoming season? Any changes in store for you guys?

BOA: We could tell you, but we'd have to kill you! [laughter] No, seriously, we're just going to try to keep a low profile, maybe flare up just enough in the evenings to keep Ben the hell away from that damn musical mobile on Ruby Lou's crib. Nothing too serious, just enough to make Meghan feel bad about asking Ben to help out after practice.

MLS Rumors²: Well, thanks again for talking to us...

BOA: Our pleasure...hey, can we give a shout-out to our boy, Dr. Hazel's scalpel? Yo-yo! What up, S-Dawg?!

San Jose "Superfan" Bemoans "Pathetic" Combine Coverage

Wurzlebacher: Combine-Bound?

Self-described San Jose Earthquakes "Superfan" John Ritzlesparger - who posts as "JohnnyQuakes" on BigSoccer and Free Republic - recently complained about the lack of extensive coverage of the MLS combine in the local and national media. In an email to MLS Rumors², which was also posted on the Big Soccer and Free Republic message boards, Ritzlesparger wrote:

I'm just so f'ing sick of the mainstream media ignoring the real story of this offseason: the MLS Combine. This is the single most important thing going on in American soccer right now, and they're just completely missing it!

It's f'ing typical of the East Coast liberal media elite to think that the real Americans at the combine aren't worth covering. The way they hate America makes me sick to my stomach. And for the record, I don't expect it to get any better now that Obambi is taking over. They'll probably switch all their soccer reporters over to covering midnight basketball leagues in places like Chicago and New York City.

We need to get Joe the Plumber to the combine as soon as he's done in Israel - maybe that would shame the libtards into giving the combine the coverage it deserves.

Good Festivus To All

Yes, we've been slacking lately. Hey, it's the offseason, what're you gonna do?

In the spirit of Festivus, though, we're going to do a little airing of grievances. Feel free to add your own in the comments. I'm gonna start with some of mine:

Mayor Fenty: thanks for combining with the economic collapse to kill off any DC United stadium deal for another five years or so. Jerk.

Jay Heaps: you're a hack. Duke sucks.

SuperLiga: Really? I mean...really?

Ben Olsen's ankles: come on, is one more year really too much to ask of you?

InBev: enjoy the non-exclusive (Budvar sez "suck it") global marketing rights to Budweiser while you're in receivership from all that debt you took on to buy A-B. Suckers.