Breaking: Abbey Okulaja to Ref World Cup Final

Sepp Blatter has just announced that FIFA has accepted the petition from Abbey Okulaja to referee the World Cup Final.

”He made a compelling argument augmented by women footballers in appropriate dress.”

MLS Rumors² has speculated that the argument consisted of a replay of the US – Slovenia match with an attached note: “I could do no worse.”

Breaking: England Keeper to Try Hand at NFL

According to rumors, England’s keeper Robert Green is looking to avoid a painful return to England after the World Cup. After the gaff against the United States costing his team two points, Greene is said to be looking for a profession that does not require the use of hands.

”I heard that in the NFL, kickers don’t have much to do and don’t ever have to use their hands. I know one of the US keepers had a stint with some NFL team as a kicker and was really respected for it. I’d like that.”

Rumors place the Buffalo Bills as the front runner for the English keeper’s services. According to the reports, the Bills are used to kickers making critical mistakes and offer a welcoming environment for those types of errors.

Latest: According to rumors from the England Dressing Room, Green stated "I'd like to leave now."

Republic of Ireland & Shilton Issue Joint Statement to U.S.: Cry Us a River

DUBLIN: The Republic of Ireland issued an official diplomatic statement today, joined by retired England international keeper Peter Shilton. It read in full:

Dear Amerikay: Sorry the refs buggered you, but you know what? Ye can cry us a fuckin' river, that's what.

Cheers,

-The Republic
-Peter Shilton

Dick Bavetta: "Nothing Wrong" With Disallowed Goal Call

NEW YORK, NY: Widely respected NBA referee Dick Bavetta commented on widespread derision heaped upon referee Koman Coulibaly's decision to disallow a third U.S. goal late in their 2-2 draw with Slovenia: "I saw nothing wrong with the call. Looked like a totally legitimate call to me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make balloon animals for Sepp Blatter and David Stern's grandkids."

Koman Coulibaly: I Don't Like Fridays

The silicon chip inside his head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna win the match today,
Hee's going to make them draw instead.
Bob Bradley doesn't understand it,
He really thought that it was a goal.
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to disallow
The whole damn day.

The telex machine is kept so clean
As it types to a waiting world.
And Landon feels so shocked,
Edu's world is rocked,
And their thoughts turn to
Their own little ref.
The round of 16 ain't so peachy keen,
No, it ain't so neat to admit defeat.
They can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

All the playing's stopped at Ellis Park now
He wants to play with his toys a while.
And the match ended early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to tie.
And then the tannoy crackles,
And the manager crackles,
With the problems and the how's and why's.
And he can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to tie?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.