Rumor: DC United to send Richmond Kickers to Mexico

MLS Rumors² has learned that DC United plans to sign the entire roster of USL-2 side Richmond Kickers to developmental contracts, in order to send the Kickers to Mexico City to face Mexican power Cruz Azul in a CONCACAF Champions League match. According to an employee of a Maggie Moo's in downtown Washington, DC:

KP [Kevin Payne, natch] was in here this morning, and he was ranting about the Champions League. He said, "Goddammit, the [radio edit] Islanders are 2-0, and f'ing Montreal got a draw against Atlante...I mean, I'm sick of this [poop]! You know what? You know what? If the USL is so [flibber-gibbered] great, why don't we just sign the [schpadoinkle] Kickers, and send them to Mexico instead! Hey, wait a minute...You taking this down, Sheldon?"

BREAKING: MLS Rumors Rumors to suspend blogging to deal with Champions League crisis

WASHINGTON, DC, 25 September, 2008:

My friends, it has come to this. Our country today faces an unprecedented crisis. Without the passage of emergency legislation forking over hundreds of billions of dollars to people who have recently been responsible for the loss of hundreds of billions of dollars, our very way of life could collapse.

Therefore, my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that I have chosen to suspend blogging operations and travel across town to the Capitol to ensure that we don't spiral into a Second Great Depression.

My country has called, my friends, and I must answer.

INCOMING: Lalas to Columbus

Rating: 3.0 (one for every club Alexi has trashed)

MLS Rumors² has learned that, in a shock move, the Columbus Crew will soon be announcing the hiring of Alexi Lalas as president, GM, Director of Football Operations, and "Lord High Everything Else". According to our source, a bartender at a Columbus area Applebee's:

Things have been going so well, the bigwigs up at corporate are afraid the team might start turning a profit again. The last time that happened, they had to dump McBride and bring in Andrulis to keep their tax write-off in the red. They really thought they had things figured out with Sigi, but then the damn team started winning, and then needed a Plan B. They figured, hey, no one is better at killing franchises than Alexi...I mean, NO ONE. So they called him up, and, surprise surprise, he was available.

Lalas the Clown: Ohio-bound?

Crew officials did not respond to our requests for comment.

Who is behind the MLS competition committee?

It is hard to understand the inner workings of the MLS HQ, who's on the staff, what decisions do they make, does Don Garber really not believe in casual Fridays, who thought the SuperLiga was a good idea? But no committee is more mysterious than the competition committee. This cabal of insiders determines the fixture lists, the various competitions and qualifications for those competitions (i.e. who decides that the 7 April meeting between San Jose and Salt Lake City is also the US Open Cup qualifier even if there are no official qualifiers for the US Open Cup or who gets the Concacaf Champions Cup spots), and created the SuperLiga tournament. I know many an MLS fan would like to kick them in the teeth (or perhaps a bit lower).

But thanks to the hard work and dedication of New York bartender's cooperative, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that no less a secretive and insidious organization than the Knights Templar runs the MLS Competitive Committee! Yes that secret society of medieval knights that has been involved with many a conspiracy theory throughout the ages, from Swiss Banking to the hiding of the Holy Grail to plaguing monarchs to pay their debts to satanic practices to witch hunts. So when it comes to kicking them in the teeth (or a bit lower), you may want to think twice before taking on these guys.

Fed to buy Thornton's contract: "Too big to fail"

WASHINGTON, DC, 19 September, 2008:
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson today announced that the U.S. government would use taxpayer funds to purchase the contract of Chivas USA goalkeeper Zach "What Pies, Bitch?" Thornton.

"Some goalkeepers really are too big to fail, and that's the way it is," said Doug Logan, a former Major League Soccer commissioner who is now at the Brookings Institution in Washington. "There are no good options."

Thornton: Too Big To Fail

Thornton's GAA recently surged to 1.76 - higher than even that of namesake Zach "Son of Near-Post Tony" Wells, who "boasts" a 1.65 GAA. "It's just mind-boggling that someone has a higher goals-against average than Wells," marveled Logan. "I mean, seriously...my mind is boggled. The feds really have no choice but to bail Thornton out. He's, what, 250? 260? Way, way to big to fail."

In a related development, Paulson indicated that the government would not be stepping in to stop the failure of the aforementioned Zach Wells. "We have to draw the line somewhere, and at this point, frankly, Wells just doesn't seem to be worth saving."