Satirists Union Applies "Mercy Rule" To Red Bulls

NEW YORK, 17 August, 2009: In the wake of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison New Jersey's MLS-record 13th consecutive league match without a win (16 in all competitions), a 2-0 home loss to Chivas EEUU, the International Brotherhood of Satirists (I.B.S.) announced today that it was applying an obscure rule to prevent further satire of RBNYRBOHNJ for the remainder of the season.

Known as the "Mercy Rule," or the "Clippers Rule," Section 8.06 of the Union's guidelines prevents "any additional satire directed at a team that, having lost so badly, so consistently, and in such novel ways that effective parody is no longer possible." The only previous instance of an MLS team even being considered for the Clippers Rule was in 1999, when, while doing business as the Metrostars, the current RBNYRBOHNJ set what was thought at the time to be an unbreakable record for futility. However, the I.B.S. Executive Committee decided not to apply the Clippers Rule at that time, based on the relatively brief existence of the franchise. "They just didn't have the history of failure back then," one I.B.S. insider told MLS Rumors Rumors over rounds of Yuengling at a too-trendy-by-half "dive bar" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

This time around, according to I.B.S. spokeswoman Candace Stringer, "the team's current ineptitude on the field, combined with the absolutely mystifying work being done by the front office, and the team's 14-season history of spectacular failure really makes continued comedy at their expense impossible. The I.B.S. has decided to invoke the Clippers Rule to prevent its members from the embarrassing likelihood that their best efforts will be overshadowed by the horrifically hilarious reality of the situation."

Hot New Colorscheme!

In honor of MLS penchant for reanimating the corpses of former top flight teams and adding them to the roster of league participants, MLS Rumors Rumors has decided to retool its look by going to a combination of the Houston Astros / San Diego Padres late 70s, early 80s colorway.

Thanks to Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver, we will soon know the full righteousness of football.

UPDATE: Like the late 70s and early 80s, so too must this good thing come to an end. We're trending younger with a hot/hawt/haute/worse than Red Bull new colorway.

We're Back, Bitches!

Miss us much? You know you did. We know you did. The people at home know you did. Well, you're in luck, because even though we wish we could quit you, we can't. We're off the wagon and back on the Crazy Train. Aww yeah, we've got $240 worth of pudding, and when we're done whispering sweet nothings to it, we're gonna get back to posting.

If anyone is still there: You're on notice.

BREAKING: MLS Rumors Rumors to suspend blogging to deal with Champions League crisis

WASHINGTON, DC, 25 September, 2008:

My friends, it has come to this. Our country today faces an unprecedented crisis. Without the passage of emergency legislation forking over hundreds of billions of dollars to people who have recently been responsible for the loss of hundreds of billions of dollars, our very way of life could collapse.

Therefore, my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that I have chosen to suspend blogging operations and travel across town to the Capitol to ensure that we don't spiral into a Second Great Depression.

My country has called, my friends, and I must answer.

IT'S ON! Blogger Bitch-Slap Fest!

Oh damn! Oh damn! It's on! It's on! It's on like Donkey Kong! It's on like Red Dawn! It's on like beer pong! [EDIT: via Squidbillies, It's on like Charles Bron-son! It's on like the movie Tron! It is not, however, on like Michelle Kwan, even though, yes, she did work hard to get where she is.]

Like, ohmigawd, right, this one guy has a blog, and, like, sometimes he cuts and pastes stuff from other blogs, like, you know, schedules and stuff, and he's, like, too busy wiping Cheeto dust from his fingertips to credit his sources, right?

So then this other guy has a blog, too, right? Only no one reads it, right? So he's, like, all, "Damn, no one reads my blog! WTF? I know, I'll totally pwn that other d00d, and then people will, like, read my blog instead!" So he's all, "ZOMG! You guys! That guy is teh plagiarizt!" And since no one reads his blog, he goes on BigSoccer and starts a thread, at which point it is Officially On!

And then I'm all reading it, right? Because, like, I have nothing better to do, you know? And I'm like, "wait, ZOMG!!1!!one!! *I'VE* got a blog that no one reads! I've gotta get me some of this hawt action!" So I whipped up this post, and now I'm going to go onto that thread on BigSoccer and link to it. Yep. Gonna get me some serious attention. It's gonna be teh awesums, you guys.

EDIT: I love me some Squidbillies after a hard day of blogging...