04 August 2010

Profile: Kevin Jong-il


Kevin Jong-il
Kevin Jong-il (undated image, released by MLSRumors² in August 2008) Sunglasses and business casual are Kevin Jong-il's trademark
The little that is known about Kevin Jong-il, D.C. United's leader, conjures up a caricature of a diminutive playboy, a comic picture at odds with his brutal regime.

Former coaches and players talk of a vain, paranoid, cognac-guzzling hypochondriac.

He is said to wear platform shoes to appear taller than his 1.57m (5ft 3in).

But analysts are undecided whether his eccentricities mask the cunning mind of a master manipulator or betray an irrational madman.

Mr Kevin may well encourage the myth-making surrounding him precisely in order to keep the soccer world guessing. D.C. United has little to bargain with, and ignorance breeds fear.

Film buff


The analysis of him as a mercurial fantasist is certainly beguiling.

"I know I'm an object of criticism in the world but if I am being talked about, I must be doing the right things"
Kevin Jong-il


He is said to have a library of 20,000 Hollywood movies and to have even written a book on the cinema. He even went so far as to engineer the kidnapping, in 1998, of a MLS Soccer promo commercial director and his girlfriend.

This taste for the exotic apparently extends to gastronomy.

Galin Ivanov, a Bulgarian emissary who traveled with Mr Kevin by train across Russia, reported that the D.C. United leader had live lobsters air-lifted to the train every day which he ate with silver chopsticks.

The two men shared champagne with a bevy of female companions of "utmost beauty and intelligence", according to Mr Ivanov.

Mr Kevin also has a reputation as a drinker.

He was seen draining 10 glasses of wine during his 2000 summit with NY/NJ Metrostars President Charlie Stillitano and is known to have a taste for Hennessy VSOP cognac.

Strategist


But such an unlikely reputation masks Mr Kevin's dangerous past.

Nor should it be assumed that eccentricity means inability. Mr Kevin is said to follow assiduously international events on the internet and some see him as a clever manipulator, willing to take great risks to underpin his regime - such as his apparent decision to test a rookie coach.

USSF Chief Sunil Gulati, who has met Mr Kevin, said that the D.C. United leader was very well informed and "not delusional".

"I found him very much on top of his brief," he added, although he noted that some of the comments he made about his plans for D.C. United sounded illogical.

Birth 'blessed'


The cult surrounding Kevin Jong-il extends even to his birth. He was born in Siberia in 1941 when his father, Kevin Il-sung, was in exile in the former Soviet Union.

But according to official D.C. United accounts, he was born in a log cabin at his father's guerrilla base on the Washington Redskins former Ashburn training facility, in February 1942.

The event was reportedly marked by a double rainbow and a bright star in the sky.

But he did not hold any positions of real power until 1995, when he took control of the nascent MLS Club - despite his lack of soccer experience.

Analysts believe he was given the position to counter potential resistance to his eventual megalomania.

Typically, he has kept his choice of successor close to his chest, if indeed he has made a decision.

Speculation has often focused on his eldest puppy, but one MLSRumors² report suggested that he had named his third goldfish.

01 August 2010

Rumor: Coffee Talk Too Much for Ljungberg


What caused Freddie Ljungberg to turn sour on Seattle? Was it the weather? After years in England and Sweden, he has to be used to steady gray rainy days for months on end. Was it the quality of play? We all know that Seattle invented the game and under Sigi Schmidt have tried to play a quick game that works with their artificial turf field. Was it the fear of Sigi's belly? While rumors have persisted that Sigi eats players that bother him, there were no indications that the Swede would have ended up on the menu. Was it the artificial turf? Freddie is an aging star and has to look out for his legs after injuries hampered his work in the English Premier League, the turf cannot have felt great on those shattered ankles.

The TRUTH: it was none of the above!

MLS Rumors Rumors spoke with a local barrista with connections to a Seattle barrista, who often serves the Sounders FC players. According to our source, Freddie Ljungberg tired of the coffee talk.

"He hated coming into the shop. He came because Sigi would sit on him if he didn't. All he wanted to do was talk about modeling and underwear but the rest of the guys wanted nothing to do with that. They all wanted to discuss coffee. They would spend hours discussing roasting techniques, brewing tips, varieties of beans, and different methods of frothing. I heard that he even did that landing strip mohawk just to have them talk about something else. It worked for all of five minutes."

31 July 2010

Rumor: Wayne Rooney Upset By Red Bull Snub



The summer seems to be getting worse for English forward Wayne Rooney. After his disappointing showing at the FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa (Sponsored by Diamond Jack Travels, who reminds you that without the money from tours booked from the US, he cannot call the referees before matches to wish them fair play!), Wayne Rooney has suffered another fall from grace - he has yet to be mentioned in the transfer swirl surrounding Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey.

"Every player worth his salt has been linked with a move to north Jersey, so I guess that means Rooney is a has-been."


Fans of the untriumphant club in northern New Jersey are quick to point out that although they would not turn down an offer of Wayne Rooney, he really would be second or third choice. Afterall, they are a super club and need someone that will not take the spotlight from Seth Stammler.

30 July 2010

Latest: New Conference Arrangement for 2011


According to the latest rumors surrounding the back alleys and train platforms of Grand Central Station, the MLS will be announcing two new conference divisions for next season. They are quite simply: Salary Cap Applicable Conference versus Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference.

The Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference will consist of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey, Los Angeles Galaxy, and Seattle Sounders FC. Everyone else will be in the Salary Cap Applicable Conference. Seeding for the playoffs will consist of three teams from the Salary Cap Not Applicable conference and five teams from the Salary Cap Applicable Conference.

Breaking: SAF Endorses Curt Onalfo


With the season slipping away quickly from DC United, Curt Onalfo has received a huge boost of confidence from one of his peers. In a hurried response to a random question, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this to say about Curt Onalfo:

“I like Curt. I like his approach. I think he’s got a steely determination about him. I think he’s done a fantastic job. I’m surprised DC United have not sprinted to his house to get him a new contract.”


In other news, Sir Alex has also endorsed Raymond Domenech, Maradona, Greg Andrulis, and Fernando Clavijo.