DC United Looks Forward to the World Cup

Four matches into the season and four losses on the books, DC United’s front office is apparently looking for the World Cup to distract fans from the abysmal display of football at RFK. According to a local source that may have overheard several front office bigwigs at lunch, DC United believes that the World Cup will be a marketing bonanza for the struggling MLS team. Our source believes one of the executives said:

“Look, we can keep our fans thinking that we will bring in a big World Cup star after the tournament. That will hold them until July, no matter how many losses we rack up. And then post-World Cup if we announce we are making a few fact-finding and scouting missions, Chang will cover our vacations. By the time the fans are the wiser, it will be August and DC United will be pushed off the radar by the Redskins. This could work…”

Attempts to think about calling DC United were unsuccessful and no one at the club was given the opportunity to deny or confirm our suspicions.

Glenn Beck Calls MLS CBA "Worse Than 9/11"

Speaking on his syndicated radio program earlier today, paid gold industry spokesman Glenn Beck lashed out at the recently finalized MLS collective bargaining agreement, calling it, "Worse than 9/11." A partial transcript:

Well, folks, it seems like the insanity and corruption and socialist Nazi communism that have infected Congress and the White House have spread further into Washington, DC. Just this past Saturday, under cover of darkness, the "community organizers" who run the MLS Players' Association rammed a deal down the throats of the league's owners. Despite the fact that 73% of Americans say MLS should start all over on the CBA, these so-called "progressives" have decided to repeatedly thrust their backroom deal down America's throats, and in doing so, well, they've opened the door to the socialist utopia of free agency...and I hate to tell you, it's only going to get worse from here.

The MLS CBA Got Glenn Beck A Little Choked Up
.

"But Glenn," you say, "there's no free agency under the new CBA; how can that be socialism?" Well, I'll tell you how: the new deal establishes a "re-entry draft"...and what is a "draft?" A draft is something that governments use to force people into military service against their will! And once this "draft" becomes just another part of the landscape for people to ignore, the community organizers will raise a hue and cry for more "social justice," and start agitating for "free agency." This whole thing is a bigger disaster than 9/11, only this time, the Obama administration, through the shady machinations of a federal "mediator" in a smoke-filled room, has not only abetted the disaster, but according to at the Commissioner himself, listen to this, the deal "would not have gotten done without the mediator." I'll tell you, if that doesn't send a chill down your spine, you'd better check your pulse, because Obamacare may already have killed you.

"But Glenn," you say, "isn't free agency just a part of professional sports in the 21st Century?" And you know something? You're right. It is just a part of sports these days...but you know something else? I remember a time, back when I was just a boy, when players were obligated to a single team for as long as that team had a use for them...it was a simpler time, a time of innocence, before athletes became the greedy, money-grubbing, HgH-shooting whores of Babylon that they are today...it was a time when players knew where they stood in the eyes of their owners and their fans. A time when developmental players made less than minimum wage. A time when players popped greenies and dexies, and drank, and smoked, and slept around. A time when America was young...

...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want to cry...it's just that...that I love the MLS so much...and I fear for it...

RUMOR: Chinaglia to Manage RBNY?

Chinaglia with Noted Smokeless Tobacco Enthusiast Shep Messing

TAOS, NM: MLS Rumors Rumors was tripping balls on some peyote buttons yesterday when our Spirit Guide informed us that the bartender at his local has an inside line on the leading candidate to guide the Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey as they move into their grand new building on the banks of the scenic Passaic River. According to notes we scrawled in our authentic replica of Daniel Faraday's notebook, apparently in blood (not ours, thankfully), the coyote told us the following:

It's basically a done deal. RBNYRBOHNJ are returning to their NASL roots and bringing in Giorgio Chinaglia to manage the team. That whole Lazio extortion thing went nowhere, and now Chinaglia is looking for a new challenge. Red Bull's corporate bigwigs back in Austria think he's the perfect fit for the team; they're especially taken with his knowledge of and respect for MLS.

Our Spirit Guide Gives Us The Scoop On RBNYRBOHNJ's Coaching Search (Artist's Depiction)

Latest: K. Cooper sends apology

Kenny Cooper is having second thoughts about his recent comments to US National Team coach Bob Bradley & Son. According to a source that was recently in Munich, the bartender near Cooper's house claims that the US striker has expressed regret for rubbing his European success in Bradley's face. Being left off the US Roster for the upcoming friendlies in Europe, according to Goff's Blog, the big striker is mystified by the decision making process.

"I'm so much better than Cunningham. Look, he was nothing until I left Dallas and then all of a sudden he becomes something. And Eddie Johnson, when was the last time he scored a goal? I'm guessing he has trouble getting playing time on FIFA 2010."

Tough words for a man that hasn't scored in a league match since August and has found himself on the bench for the last four matches. You can be assured that we here at MLS Rumors² are going to be following this closely and writing all the news that we believe to be remotely true.

Breaking: DC United's New Coach!

According to sources at a well frequented DC United bar in the U Street area, Kevin Payne, President & CEO of DC United, is close to announcing a new head coach for DC United. After missing the playoffs two seasons in a row, with an aging roster and no clear ideas on how to move forward, the DC United Supremo has decided to make a radical shift in philosophy.

"Look, they've been on us about every decision we've made since the inception of the SE list serve. It is time to give one of them a try!"

According to our sources, Kevin Payne is considering offering the position of head coach to the "Internet Nuts". He has a short list of people that post regularly on Bigsoccer.com, Goffblog, and other sites (apparently, MLS Rumors Rumors was not on the shortlist of sites). We have heard rumors that the lead candidate is a poster called Vasco, who writes in from RIO (whether that is Rio de Janiero in Brazil or an acronym for Remote in Ohio is unknown). Mr. Payne apparently liked the posters acceptance of a one year contract contingent on playoff appearences without even knowing the salary.

We are expecting an announcement sometime in the next week. The Bigsoccer.com meltdown of 2009 will follow immediately.