Barca: MLS Miami II Will Be Most Epic Fail Ev-ah!

MIAMI, 1 December 2008: MLS Rumors² recently received an email from a confidential source with ties to Barcelona's MLS expansion bid:

It's, like, gonna be insane. Barca are 100% committed to making this team the most epic fail in the history of epic failure that is professional sports in South Florida. You think you've seen fail before? You think the Marlins' ritual post-World Series fire sales are something? Well, at least they f'ing *won* the Series, even if no one went to their games. MLS Miami II will be the culmination of decades of South Florida fail. They're going to market heavily to the locals of Puerto Rican, Cuban, and Dominican descent, with an ad campaign that calls baseball a sport for [Ed.: rhymes with harrycons]. Then, they're going to spend over $3 million to bring in a washed-up Brazilian, like, say, Ronaldo, who will promptly spend every waking hour either in the clubs or on South Beach, getting fatter and slower by the day. It'll make Lothar's "Rehab on the Riviera" look like serious training.

I'm telling you, it's going to be Epic. Truly Epic.

Stay tuned, dear readers, this is a developing story.

Gazidis to Arsenal: MLS Rumors² PWND by Reality

The Truth, She Wins Again

I wish I'd thought of it.

Somewhere in the West Midlands, West Brom is licking its chops.

Breaking News: Bigsoccer.com Poster Claims All Is Lost

With the pending MLS Expansion Draft and Dance Party on Wednesday, bigsoccer.com poster USSawkerFan32 is fearing the worst. According to posts on the well known soccer pundit site, USSawkerFan32 claims "I know they are going to take our best player. I cannot believe our management did not protect him. He is key to us winning the cup next season. I might as well just consign our season to the trash heap."

MLS Fans prepare for the MLS Expansion Draft and Dance Party.

MLS expansion team Seattle Sounders FC have not confirmed their selections in the draft and dance party but a source close to their management said, "look, if we can weaken our opposition at the same time we strengthen our team, we are going to take that opportunity."

USSawkerFan32 replied, "I knew it. They are going to gut our team..."

Breaking News: MLS To Start Grapefruit League

According to rumors, DC United has taken an interest in Puerto Rican soccer. However, we here at MLS Rumors² could not rest without knowing the whole story. According to sources near to the MLS Cup, the interest is actually league-wide and would consist of a spring league similar to Major League Baseball's Grapefruit leagues in Florida and Arizona. The Major League Soccer Grapefruit League would consist of one game against all of the other teams regardless of conference. The 15 teams with the most shots and the most successful step overs would advance to the playoffs. The playoffs would consist of 10 corner kicks for each team against a goal keeper of Don Garber's choice with a best 11 "defense team" against the playoff teams. The 10 teams with the most goals would advance to a second match of 3 20 minute periods. The five teams coming out of this would draw lots to advance to the final, which will be a match played at the international destination of MLS Executive Ivan Gazidis' choice. The winner of the Grapefruit League would get a berth in the Super Liga with the option to have a friendly during the MLS All Star Weekend against West Ham.

Breaking News: MLS Cup Cancelled!

Hard to believe but MLS cancelled their big game of the season today. Just in from Los Angeles is the news that because of potential for rain, MLS Supremo Don Garber decided to call the match and to reschedule for next season. Garber stated, "Look, we wouldn't want to put any of our players in danger holding this match under cloudy and potentially threatening clouds. Have you seen how bad Frankie Hejduk's hair frizzes in the humidity. I just have to say, oh the humanity. We cannot have a match under these circumstances. Better luck next year."

Yes, that is my story and I'm sticking to it.