Writers Union Condemns "Unserious, Emotional" Fans

NEW YORK, 13 May 2010: The Writers Union of Soccer Scribes (WUSS) today released a statement regarding fan reaction to the exclusion of forward Charlie Davies from the U.S. World Cup roster:

Y'all are just a bunch of whiny-ass titty babies. You stupid fanbois need to realize that Charlie Davies suffered serious injuries, and never had any chance of making the preliminary roster of 30 players, let alone the final 23. Never. There was no chance. This is real life, you dumbass Polyannas. Real. Fucking. Life.

What, you think just because nearly all of our reporting leading up to the roster announcement indicated that Davies would be in the 30, that meant you should get your hopes up? How fucking naive are you? Wait, wait, that wasn't a rhetorical question: you are extremely naive. If you were Very Serious, like we are, you'd understand that there never was any hope of Davies making it to Princeton, let alone South Africa.

Hah hah! Silly little fanbois! WUSS laughs at your childish dreams!

What, you think that just because our own reporting now indicates that Davies was under serious consideration until just a few days ago, when the President of Davies's club sent a letter to the USSF saying that Davies is not medically cleared by the club, and that they would therefore not release him, that means that he ever had a prayer of making the 30? Please. Grow up and get serious. Your childish anger only makes you more pathetic.

To sum up, the fact that so many of you were completely blindsided by Davies's exclusion from the roster has nothing whatsoever to do with WUSS completely blowing the story, and everything to do with your own childish imaginations. Grow the fuck up, losers.

BigSoccer Posters Defend Bizarre Split Allegiances

Janus: Official God of BigSoccer?

Recently, MLS Rumors² contacted several BigSoccer posters with seemingly conflicting team loyalties to try to unlock the key to this rather widespread phenomenon.

We started with MadridandBarcaLover:
MLS Rumors²: So, what gives? Looks like you support two blood rivals...the team of Franco and the symbol of Catalunyan independence...so, uh, how's that work, exactly?

MadridandBarcaLover: what are you, teh ghey? They're, like, both in Spain. When I was 15, I went to Spain on vacay, and, like, totally visited Barcelona and Madrid. I, like, got totally hammered all over that country, but, like, it was the best in Barcelona and Madrid...so, like, yeah.

MLS Rumors²: Uh...okay.

Then it was on to Revs4Evah, who lists as her favorite clubs DC United, PhillyMLS, and Seattle.

MLS Rumors²: Okay, you're screen name is "Revs4Evah," yet the Revs don't even show up as one of your favorite teams. What's up with that?

Revs4Evah: My cousin had a tryout with the Revs once, and he, like, almost made the team, so I was all, yay!!!1!1!!! Revs4Evah! But then, like, I moved from Philly to Seattle, and, like, DC United had Bobby Boswell, so, like, yay!

MLS Rumors²: um...'kay...

Next up, YankiDood, who lists Fulham, Reading, Watford, Derby, Aston Villa and Everton.

MLS Rumors²: Let me start by saying, "I get it," alright...but seriously, "dood," how are you any better than those fanboys who only show up to MLS games when someone from their home country is playing, and then only to cheer for whatever team that player happens to be playing for at the time?

YankiDood: You mean people actually *watch* MLS? Whatever...anyway, I've gotta run, there's a Coca Cola Championship preview on Gol TV in, like, two minutes.

Last up was RangerBhoy14:

MLS Rumors²: Wow, so...I mean...wow...never mind.