Hilgenbrinck Resurrected at Ansan Hallelujah FC

Former New England Revoluçion hardman Chase Hilgenbrink has turned up in an unlikely location...Ansan, a city in the Gyeonjji Province of South Korea. Ansan Hallelujah FC! He is risen!

It was widely reported that Hilgenbrink had hung up his boots for the last time in Foxboro, MA preferring entering the priesthood to enduring any more dutch ovens from his roadtrip room mate Jay Heaps or "turbowedgies" from team jokester Kenny Mansally.

“I felt called to something greater,” Hilgenbrinck said. “At one time I thought that call might be professional soccer. In the past few years, I found my soul is hungry for something else. I discerned, through prayer, that it was calling me to the Catholic Church. I do not want this call to pass me by.”

Now, inside sources who frequent a kim-chi/whiskey bar in the dong where Hilgenbrink apparently resides, report seeing the one time Ñublense and Huachipato defender with a copy of Korean for Beginners under one arm and a rosary clutched in his hand as he wandered through the door of the establishment.

Presumably, the inclusion of the word "Hellelujah" in the name of the club, plus the a wage packet higher than the burger-slinging rates offered by MLS brass, has eased the transition back into football. Looking at the stadium where Hallelujah play, it is no wonder Hilgenbrinck had a change of heart.

Surprisingly, Ansan Hallelujah FC was founded by protestant missionaries in 1980, Hilgenbrinck is Catholic. It was the missionaries' position that vigorous physical exercise was good for the soul, and so they were more than happy to bang the drum for the fledgling K-League in 1983.

Will this return to the church of football lead to a recall from Bob Bradley? Stay tuned readers, MLSRumors² will unveil all as it is learned.

in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

Crew Look to Brazil for New Talent, Supporters

Rating: 0 (utter bullshit)

We recently received the following email from someone named "Guppy":

They saved Hitler's brain! Sounds incredible, almost unbelievable, but yes, it's true: in order to further their plans, the Columbus Crew's supporters have enlisted the help of Hitler's brain! A supporter group secretly traveled to South America and with the aid of doctors down there and financing from ABC Fertilizer Inc and several other similar companies common to Columbus, they revived the head of Hitler to help them with 'their tactics.' Hitler's head had been frozen according to his last wishes in 1975 and kept in a freezer in the basement of a sympathizer ...

Here is what is rumored to be their new logo, which will be unveiled shortly.

Well, since we have an ongoing demented obsession fascination with the right-wing leanings of the Crew and their supporters, this piqued our interest, so we did a little more digging around...and it turns out that Deep Guppy only scratched the surface! MLS Rumors² sent senior Crew correspondent Ezra Lieberman to Brazil to investigate, and he turned up a list of Brazilian players who are actually Hitler clones! As of this posting, we are unable to confirm if Stefani Miglioranzi is on the list...

Breaking News Alert: Scarf Machine on Life Support After Bad Weather

Yes, loyal readers of MLS Rumors Rumors, we have discovered the secret that DC United sought to withhold from all of you loyal fans. The DC United Scarf Machine is out of order. According to sources inside RFK, they saw a horror show on the

Rumored Scarf Machine

fourth floor of the concourse during the water-logged game against Houston Dynamo. Apparently, all the power problems at RFK affected more than the lights, they blew out the transducer for the Scarf Machine – leaving it unable to function. DC United officials still refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Scarf Machine, so provided us with only the following statement: “I’m not sure what you are on about. A mythical Scarf Machine on the fourth floor of RFK? What do you think caused the lights to go out? Oops…”

RSL to Move Rice-Eccles Turf to New Stadium

Rating: 3 (Three shall be the number thou shalt rate, and the number of the rating shall be three. Four shalt thou not rate, neither rate thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.)

Looks like Real Salt Lake doesn't want to risk losing their mojo. MLS Rumors Rumors has received word that the surprise Western Conference leaders are planning to move the rock-hard fake turf from Rice-Eccles stadium to their new home when it opens this fall.

"Basically, it's all we've got going for us...our opponents are so afraid of losing key players to injury that they run out glorified reserve lineups whenever they play here. Plus that stuff is so hard, even Jersey and Toronto can't figure out the bounces," said our anonymous source. "We were all set to lay down some a really nice blend of Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass, but when Coach Kreis heard about that, he flipped his lid. He said something like, 'What, are you idiots going to MLS Ref school now or something? Are you that freakin' blind? Are you?! You stupid sons of refs! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its referees! ' So after I escaped from his office, I thought to myself, 'Sweet creamery butter! We'll move the turf! Football lines and everything!'"

(Pictured: The Turf in its present-day location)

Rapids FO to Institute "Logan's Run" Attendance Policy

Rating: 4.0 (perfect in a pre-grade inflation world)

In a move reminiscent of the classic Sci-Fi thriller Logan's Run, starting with the 2009 MLS season, the Colorado Rapids front office will institute a "maximum age" requirement for all fans attending Rapids home games at DICK'S Sporting Goods Park. MLS Rumors Rumors has obtained the following internal KSG memo regarding the change in policy:

All season ticket holders, as well as walk-up customers, will have a crystal implanted in the palm of their right hands. That crystal will be yellow for all customers under age 7, blue for all customers from 7-14, and red for all customers 14-21. On each customer's 21st birthday, or "Lastday," their crystal, or "lifeclock," will turn black, and they will be banned from DICK'S until either 1) they turn 65, or 2) they have at least two children, at which point they will be able to return to DICK'S, as long as all of their children have appropriate lifeclocks.

DICK'S security has been instructed to seek out and eject all customers with black palm flowers who are not accompanied by at least two minors. Customers who run will be taken to the KSG Sleepshop for "sleepytime."

A second source from inside KSG has provided MLS Rumors Rumors with the following statement, scrawled on the back of a Flying Dog coaster:

Sometime in 2009...
the survivors of Clavijo, overzealous security and mediocrity are attending matches in a great semi-enclosed stadium, sealed away from the forgotten world outside. Here, in a family-friendly environment, mankind lives only to sit and be entertained, freed by the jumbotron and PA system which provide all atmosphere.

There's just one catch:
Life must end at 21 unless reborn in the fiery ritual of Carousel.

Send help.