Rumor: Local Fan to Sit in Basement for Match

After a surprising turn of events involving uncertainty about TV viewing options at an outdoor barbeque party, a local fan returns to his old faithful viewing location for the epic, pivotal, and ultimately life-changing US versus England World Cup match. His basement will provide the venue that will be remembered for this historic match, if in fact something historic happens such as England losing.

In a statement, the local fan said:

“I could do a bar in Baltimore, but there's the crowd factor, the driving home an hour or so after drinking and (probably) losing factor so it's less appealing. I doubt any places in Hanover will do anything special so I'll probably end up in the basement alone, drinking and swearing.”

The local fan rejected such long distance treks as Washington DC, New York, or even Philadelphia (probably due to the influence of the Sons of Ben upon the local soccer scene). He is committed to swearing and drinking throughout the match. At this stage, we believe he may be working out a in-game text message companion.

Portugal's Nanny out of the World Cup party

In a disappointing development today, it was overheard at local watering hole Paddy McDrunkey's that the young Portuguese nanny who lives with the family over in the next neighborhood had hurt her shoulder trying something "acrobatic" in "training" this week. Slightly awkward moments followed when local US fan-boys scrambled to cancel the invitation to the host family designed to lure the unsuspecting 22 year old caregiver into the "man-cave" of local soccer fanatic Brandon Jordan.

"We were totally bummed man. This is, like, the best time to connect with foreign hotties, and we really weren't interested in seeing her employers and their two little brats" said Jordan, the host of the upcoming festivities.

Popular internet message board service, BigSoccer.com was rife with speculation as to how the injury occurred. Some posters, like DeuceizDAMan84 suggested that perhaps one of the children ran past the young woman and knocked her down the stairs. Others, like 3 year member GoochBigelow suggested more prurient and outrageous possibilities involving grooming implements and slick bathroom tile floors.

When asked, the young Nanny claimed to be practicing her bicycle kicks in the back alley and landing awkwardly on her shoulder. She is says she will miss up to 2 weeks of prime chillaxing time at nerdy American male domiciles. It is her hope that by the time the knock-out stage commences, she will have a better offer from more a mature and comfortably situated man.

When confronted by the crisis, Sunil Gulati tried in vain to calm down the panicky fanatics.
The US Soccer supremo quietly suggested that Jordan and his band of smoothies put in an emergency call to the nanny service to see if any acceptable replacements lived within a 1 hour drive of the party location. Luckily, a trio of possible replacements were located. Unluckily, the three potential fill-ins saw creepy photos of Jordan on Facebook involving a bandanna, a Clint Dempsey bobble-head, a spent road flare, and a shocking lack of appropriate undergarments.
Too bad.

Investigation: Adidas' Secret for New World Cup Ball

As has been reported before every World Cup in recent memory, players, coaches, and goalkeepers are complaining about the new ball. While this is not news to anyone, we here at MLS Rumors­­² have done some digging about why the ball is so "lively".

Adidas has decided to put a hamster in every ball! That is right, a live hamster in every Jubalani ball!

According to an anonymous Adidas source:

"We got the word from FIFA to make the ball a bit more exciting. Our technicians worked for 10 years and we were still no further along than our 2006 Teamgeist ball. Then Hans von Deinkle was at home with his kids looking at his hamster roll around the floor. Inspiration struck and now we've got a ball that really changes the game."

According to the Adidas technicians, the hamster is perfectly cushioned inside a hermetically sealed SafeTZone™.

"This SafeTZone™ protects the hamster during the match to prevent them from feeling any of the impacts on the ball from feet, hands, knees, and heads. Additionally, the inside has been lined with HamsterFutter™ brand feed, so that the hamster has the energy necessary for a full 90 minute match. We don't want to see one of our balls go to sleep during the match. HamsterFutter™ has all the nutrients and stimulants that a hamster could want to make sure it has the stuff to go a full 90 minutes at such an important event."

After each match, the hamsters are removed from the ball and taken to the super secret FIFAHamsterZonePlayZone™ for rest and relaxation until the next match.

Rossi: I Can Has World Cup? Azzurri: NOT YOURS!

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned via the interwebs that Giuseppe Rossi has been left off Italy's World Cup roster. We contacted the U.S. Soccer Federation for an official reaction, and received only the following short video in reply:

DaMarcus Beasley Could Quit Over Jamar Snub

Not to be outshone by the brouhaha unfolding around snubbed Mexican international Jonathan dos Santos and his brother Giovanni, DaMarcus Beasley is considering quitting the United States' World Cup squad following the omission of his brother Jamar.

The players' father, Henry, is enraged by coach Bob Bradley's decision not to take both of his sons to South Africa - and he now wants both of them to quit the squad permanently.

Jamar Beasley in his U.S. kit. Yeah, yeah, it's a futsal kit, but try telling that to DaMarcus.

Henry, who is not a former professional player, said: "DaMarcus is very hurt and he wants to be at home with us. He is there now and he's not well. We don't know if he will play (at the World Cup) or not. We still don't know anything.''

Jamar is also set to quit international football over the snub - something his father completely agrees with. "Jamar told me that he is going to quit the U.S. team and I don't want him playing for them anymore anyway,'' Henry added. "Also, my understanding is that the grapes in South Africa are so sour as to be virtually inedible, so Jamar didn't want them, anyway. Now if you will excuse me, I need to find my ball so I can take it and go home...that's right, screw you guys, I'm going home."