BREAKING: Chelsea Launch Cyber-Strike on BigSoccer

MLS Rumors² has learned that Chelsea are behind today's catastrophic failure of the BigSoccer message boards. Said BigAdministrator "Huss": "Abramovich thought we were too critical...he sent us a warning email, we ignored it, and *bam!* - next thing we know, it's Database Error time. It's like the Great Crash all over again. There's nothing we can do, really. If only Hicks and Gillett would help us like they promised they would!"

ALERT :: Big Soccer Down, nerds go into catatonic shock [UPDATED]

In a "shocking" development. The popular website "BigSoccer" has gone down. Desperately nerdy soccer fans across the globe have begun suffering from uncontrollable shaking and have taken solace in pulling their sweaters over their knees while rocking rhythmically back and forth. Area Red Bull fans have been heard muttering "If BigSoccer erases the record of our win over the scum from DC, what ever shall I do?" as they masturbate furiously to MetroPlayoffFever posters of yesteryear.

Stay tuned for more reports of the horror.

UPDATE: as of 5:45 PM, EDT, BigSoccer is back up and running. Looks like Secretary Rice's mission to Stamford Bridge paid off. Thanks, Condi!

BREAKING: Chelsea Move to Occupy Upton Park [UPDATED]

LONDON, 14 August: In a stunning move, Chelsea appear to have moved on Upton Park, and reports out of London's East End indicate that Chelsea are now in full control of West Ham's ground. A Chelsea spokesman told a morning press gaggle that, "West Ham's failure to adequately control their hooligan supporters has left Chelsea with no choice but to secure the safety of our players and supporters by force. Their hooligans acted out violently in Columbus, USA, and we are now in the process of punishing the aggressor."

Chelsea forces easily overwhelmed the Hammers' token resistance

West Ham manager Alan Curbishley pleaded for help from the other members of the Big Four, but with Liverpool overextended to the breaking point in Belgium, Manchester United engulfed in tabloid drama, and Arsenal not giving a shit, there appears to be little hope of anyone coming to the Hammers' aid.

MLS Rumors² has also learned that Chelsea owner Roman "Little Putin" Abramovich has travelled across London to manage the occupation himself.

MLS Rumors² reached Noted International Hooligan Expert Douglas "Dougie" Brimson for comment. Mr. Brimson noted that:

This sort of thing is just the logical extension of the problems facing MLS. If not for the inability of security to control the actions of the Kolumbus Krew Kidz at their friendly versus West Ham, none of this tragedy would have ensued. MLS must. Get. Its. Act. Together...or Chelsea's next stop could be Red Bull Park. Mark my words, America: the Hooliganpocalypse is coming. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The only way to save yourselves is to buy and read my books. All of them. New, not used, please.

Indeed, we here at MLS Rumors² agree: it's all Columbus' fault. Especially Bill Archer. I hope he's happy.

UPDATE: In a statement to the press, Abramovich rejected calls from West Ham for a ceasefire and declared that his club would pursue its mission to its "logical conclusion".

A day after a face-to-face meeting with Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks, who expressed "grave concern", Mr. Abramovich accused Liverpool of siding with West Ham by ferrying West Ham reserves to the East End.

"It is a shame that some of our partners are not helping us but, essentially, are hindering us," said Mr. Abramovich. "The very scale of this cynicism is astonishing."

BREAKING: Ralston to retire from not being called up for international play

From super-secret contributor BigKris, comes this breaking news:

Word is that New England Revolution and perennially-almost-US midfielder Steve Ralston will soon announce his official retirement from not-quite-being-good-enough-for international play.

Ralston, famous as the namesake for US Soccer's "Ralston Line", has a long and storied career of not being called up for the US National team. Among the teams he was not included on were the 2002 and 2006 World Cup squads. Before that, Ralston began his almost-International career by being left off various US U-17, U-20, and U-23 teams.

With Ralston's retirement, debate has been sparked among US soccer insiders as to who will take his place as the US's standard-bearer of not-quite-good-enough. Ralston's Revolution teammate Taylor Twellman has, by all accounts, been auditioning for the part for years, although opinions vary throughout US soccer whether Twellman fits the bill. "Taylor's certainly got that wonderful pout and that, 'I can't believe you didn't pick me' chip on his shoulder," commented one US Soccer official, "But his quality of play doesn't really make him a credible candidate for almost-inclusion. It would end up being a dead giveaway every time we called him into camp that he was just there to be the new Ralston."

Said another former US coach, "There's just no one else in the US almost-player pool quite like Steve. With those watery eyes and weak chin, he just looks the part of a loser. He was always so much fun to dismiss at the end of every camp. One time I even let my son, Kenny, do it. Man, was Steve pissed! But, he took it, you know? That's why he's the best."

Steve Ralston, portrayed here by Tobias Menzies, the dude who played Brutus in "Rome".

U.S. Open Cup: A Supporter's View

Here at MLS Rumors², we're starting a new feature - turning things over to supporters for their perspective. We're starting today with DC United supporter B. Chen Mohn, who took in last night's U.S. Open Cup match between United and the New England Revolution at RFK Stadium in Washington, DC:

Let me start off by saying that the U.S. Open Cup is clearly the most important club trophy in North America. Alright, let's just get that out of the way. Don't give me that "MLS Cup is our league title" crap, or that "the Supporters' Shield is the true champion BS," okay, it's all about the Open Cup. I mean, shit, it's, like, almost 100 years older than MLS Cup, and to win it, you have to beat teams from, like, every league and shit, not just f'ing MLS, man. I mean, last year, the Supporters' Shield was definitely the shit, same with, uh, 2006, but, you know, this year, the Open Cup winner gets into the Champions League and shit, so, you know, it's, like, better and stuff.

Unless we win MLS Cup, and then that's the most important trophy.

Anyways, Emilio rulez. And that's all I have to say about that.

Well then, thanks B. Chen. Glad we cleared that up.