Clavijo: "I'm not dead yet!"

Following reports that he's been given the "Full Lalas" and sent packing, a Colorado Rapids spokesperson insisted that Fernando Clavijo is still their coach.

Now, we all know how trustworthy spokespeople are, so we here at MLS Rumors² did the Soccer "Insider" one better, and went straight to the man himself. Here's what Fernando had to tell us:

PENDING: Guevara to receive red card

RATING: 5 (it'll happen...trust us)

MLS Rumors² has received word that, at some point during the remaining portion of the 2008 MLS season, volatile TFC midfielder Amado "¿Qué estás buscando?" Guevara will lose his temper and be awarded a red card for his troubles. Take this one to the bank, folks - it's a done deal.

Guevara: a red card is on the way, you can see it in his eyes

Leiweke: "We have to keep up with the RSLs of the league"

AEG President and CEO Tim Leiweke today issued statements regarding the recent dismissal, Trump-style, of GM Alexi Lalas and the more Rumsfeldian departure of head coach ("manager" in Euro-speak) Ruud Gullit. Regarding Gullit, Leiweke stated:

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time you we threw you right out
Gotta throw the blame around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more fooling around
Time to play sexy football
Better sign a defender
Else I'll wind up fired too

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time we threw you right out
Enough blame to go around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

Regarding the firing of Lalas, Leiweke was less lyrical, but no less direct:

With [Ruud] moving on, we believe that this is the right time to make more sweeping changes throughout the organization. Our commitment continues to be focused on not only finishing higher in the standings than Chivas and San Jose this and every season but to build a club capable of competing at the level of the league's elite teams, like Real Salt Lake - we have to keep up with the RSLs of the league. This decision [to relieve Alexi of his duties] is the right one for the organization, the right one for the players and the right one for our fans.

An MLS Rumors² reader spotted Lalas attempting to sell his collection of designer suits at a Los Angeles consignment shop, and overheard the Daywalker saying "I played in Serie A, you know. For reals, I did. Did you know I played guitar on an ESPN commercial once? It's all on my resume, so I'm sure I'll land another front office gig soon. Right? Right? Right?" Said our source, "I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was talking into a half-eaten Snickers bar, not a cell phone."

There is something in the water, isn't there...

Actual poll from Colorado Rapids website.

MLS Rumors Rumors brings you the latest information about exciting promotions at ****'s Sporting Goods Stadium. When you attend a match at the ****, you know that you are in for a real treat. From mind-numbingly awesome tactics and formations from the clever mind of coach-for-life Fernando Clavijo (we believe he is being offered a 20 year deal worth $3.5 million), to the treatment of any 'disruptive' behavior, to the censoring of the stadium name, you get it all at the **** in Commerce City, Colorado and those crazy promotional deals are icing on the cake. So it is without question that the recent poll on the Colorado Rapids website would be filled with exciting things awaiting fans at the ****. However, we've uncovered the information that Stan Kroenke doesn't want fans to know about... The promotional ideas that did not make it: Clavijo punching (everyone gets one shot at Fernando), Stick up the Backside Give-away (first 10,000 fans get a free Colorado Rapids themed stick to put up their backsides to replace their current bible themed one), Bible Give-Away (first 10,000 fans get a free Colorado Rapids 'Holier than Thou' bible), and Family Friendly Night (every fan must bring a legal spouse and two children under the age of 8 to the match). The last one was leading in the running among the board members until the ticket guy pointed out that they were only two matches away from complete success in driving out every non-family fan that might attend a Rapids game.

NEW SPONSOR: DiamondJack's Footy Tours

MLS Rumors² would like to extend a hearty welcome to our newest (and first!) sponsor, Diamond Jack's Footy Tours! We'll soon have plenty of clickable adverts from them adorning our front page, but in the meantime, here's a sneak peek!

Ready for some football? Look no further than Diamond Jack's Footy Tours! We've got it all! World Cup, European Championships, Copa America, and, of course, CONCACAF Gold Cup!

You'll have access to some of the best seats in the house - right in the section normally reserved for players' families!

How do we do it? None of your god-damned business, that's how!

Diamond Jack's! Experience football the island way!