BREAKING: DC To Play Globetrotters In London

Having already conquered the "other" football, the Globetrotters are ready to take on a new challenge.

LONDON, 3 August 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that AEG Entertainment will fulfill its contractual obligation with London's O2 Arena for 50 sold-out performances by arranging for the world-renowned Kings Of Basketball, the Harlem Globetrotters, to take Michael Jackson's place. Because of the cultural differences between American and English audiences, however, the Globetrotters usual patsies opponents, the Washington Generals, will be replaced by fellow Washingtonians DC United.

According to our source, the author's best friend's sister's boyfriend, who saw Kevin Payne pass out at 31 Flavors last night (though we hear it's not serious), "It's, like, total perfect synergy. This run at the O2 will really help build the DC United brand. Losing to the Globetrotters on a nightly basis for nearly two months will be, like, an essential part of United's push to succeed in both the CONCACAF Champions League and in MLS. Plus, like, the guy who replaced Curly is really hawt."

A source inside AEG confirmed the rumors, telling us: "Look, we really had our asses over a barrel on this one. I mean, we were about to get reamed, hard, with no Jesus Juice. O2's barristers were gonna pound us. Pound us but good. We had to come up with something. We would've used the Galaxy, but 19 Entertainment told us to go fuck ourselves, and Beckham will be back in Milan by then anyways (though he'll be at Inter, but don't ask about that, just know that Mourinho has eerie powers), and who would want to see them without Becks? So we called in a favor from our boy KP, and voila! Problem solved from our end!"

When asked why they didn't consider using Real Madrid for the unprecedented English residency, our source at AEG scoffed: "Those putos? Man, they charge a million a night, in Euros! Someone's gotta pay Sir Alex's blood money, and they haven't even started scraping together the cash for Alonso. There's no way AEG could afford to pay both them *and* the Globetrotters. Don't quote me on that, by the way."

RUMOR: DC To Play 11 More League Games, Open Cup Final

WASHINGTON, DC, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has learned via multiple sources that, in addition to their upcoming meaningless friendly Match Of The Century against ReAL Real Madrid, DC United may also play as many as eleven more league fixtures between August 1st and October 24. Opponents have not yet been announced, but are believed to include league leading Houston Dynamo, the Los Angeles Galaxy Feat. David Beckham, and defending champions Columbus Crew. In a major blow to United's title hopes, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey Brought To You By Red Bull are not believed to be on the list.

Additionally, one source, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that United will play in the final of something called the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup, possibly in early September, and probably against a USL side, since, according to our source, "United only ever plays USL teams in the Open Cup."

Sheffield United in Shock Ronaldo Swoop?

Sheffield United FC officials would have no comment today on rumors surfacing in the English steel town regarding a possible swoop - albeit a complicated one - to pry Ronaldo away from Manchester United in a 3-team deal with Real Madrid.

No one will speak on the record about this yet, given the sensitivity of the player and the complicated financials involved, but word around Brammall Lane has Sheffield United offering Real Madrid 90% ownership of the club and all its assets, while the Spanish giants would send Manchester United Robinho and Casillas to make the cash amount (still £100 million) a bit more manageable. We all know that £100 million doesn't go as far as it used to. The total transfer value would be in the neighborhood of £150 million.

United would feels Robinho would fit right in, and Madrid would rebrand the Sheffield outfit into a near team named Real Sheffield FC. Fans around the pubs are said to be unhappy that the club's history could be sold in the effort to have a Portuguese playmaker on the field, but Madrid have apparently agreed to keep the club's red, white, and black colors, and will still hate Sheffield Wednesday and Leeds United.

Ronaldo hasn't yet commented on the move, but also hasn't ruled out joining Real Sheffield FC. The club are desperate to get out of the English Championship, feeling hard done by due to the Tevez/West Ham affair at the conclusion of the 2006-07 season. The Blades lacked a true playmaker last season, and weren't as dangerous on attack as fans and the back room staff would have liked, despite the efforts of James Beattie.

More on this story as it develops ...