Breaking: DC United Injury Woes Extend to Fans

MLS Rumors Rumors has just become aware that DC United fans have fallen to the injury bug that has decimated the team and the front office. According to our source, in the aftermath of the match last Saturday, at least 50% of the fans have experienced blindness, nausea, headaches, and memory loss, the remaining 50% are being examined for severe depression and anxiety.

“It must have been sometime around the 50th minute, I was watching the match and then all of a sudden everything went black! The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey were making an attacking move and that was the last thing I saw. I don’t know what happened! I haven’t been able to see anything since then!”

Some fans are resorting to homemade anti-depressants

Fans are being told to report to physicians immediately for assistance. The American Psychiatric Association is advocating that all DC United fans take large doses of anti-depressants. According to a certain Sunday evening TV show, it is possible to cook up some home-made anti-depressants in your basement if you do not have health insurance and cannot wait until 2041 for the recent healthcare bill to go into effect.

Breaking: DC United Front Office Struck with Injury Bug

According to the screaming heard in and around RFK Stadium, the injury bug has moved beyond the team and is now afflicting the front office of troubled DC United. In a freak stapler incident, both Curt Onalfo and Stephen Zack were injured. The injuries are apparently minor but will keep both men from using a stapler for four to six weeks. Goalkeeping coach Mark Simpson stubbed his toe and is reported to be unable to stand without wincing and is expected to be out for as many as three weeks. Additionally, we have it on the low down that at least three interns have voice issues from apologizing to irate callers and will be given light administrative duties until they recover within the next week.