BREAKING: DC United Trades 2012 Picks For Beer, Ham Sandwich

Washington, DC:

MLS Rumors Rumors has received word from Kevin Payne's wife's hairdresser's bartender's cousin that DC United has traded all of its 2012 MLS Supah! Draft and Supplah-MENTAL! Draft picks to Houston in exchange for six cases of Dos Equis and a ham sandwich.

Kevin Payne (artist's depiction)

Taylor Gourmet, Rumored Home of United's Incoming Ham Sandwich

We contacted KP for comment, and he confirmed the move, stating: "Ah, fuck it, we weren't gonna do anything with those picks anyway. At least Houston might actually draft someone we can identify as a possible trade target in a few years. Plus, the ham sandwich will come from a deli of our choice. We haven't made a final decision yet, but we're leaning towards Taylor Gourmet on H St. "

When asked why Dos Equis, of all beer, KP replied: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends!"

Don't worry, KP, it's gonna take United supporters more than just one or two beers to make it through this season.

Breaking: DC United Offers Draft Picks

After hearing that the 2011 Draft Class is expected to be very deep, the DC United Front Office staff has issued the following press announcement:

DC United has draft picks. You know that you want them. We are looking for the following in trade: 1) Plane tickets for four and luxury hotel stay in Argentina (Expecting to travel between November through February); 2) Plane tickets for one to Africa; 3) Plane tickets for four to Europe, luxury hotel stay in Europe and 4 luxury box tickets to the Champion's League Final(Travel between February through May). We are accepting bids at our offices at RFK stadium. Note: We are not interested in your players, ours are much better than any you have to offer.