MLS Rumors Rumors

BREAKING: DC United Trades 2012 Picks For Beer, Ham Sandwich

2011-01-19T08:49:00.007-05:00

Washington, DC:

MLS Rumors Rumors has received word from Kevin Payne's wife's hairdresser's bartender's cousin that DC United has traded all of its 2012 MLS Supah! Draft and Supplah-MENTAL! Draft picks to Houston in exchange for six cases of Dos Equis and a ham sandwich.

Kevin Payne (artist's depiction)

Taylor Gourmet, Rumored Home of United's Incoming Ham Sandwich

We contacted KP for comment, and he confirmed the move, stating: "Ah, fuck it, we weren't gonna do anything with those picks anyway. At least Houston might actually draft someone we can identify as a possible trade target in a few years. Plus, the ham sandwich will come from a deli of our choice. We haven't made a final decision yet, but we're leaning towards Taylor Gourmet on H St. "

When asked why Dos Equis, of all beer, KP replied: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends!"

Don't worry, KP, it's gonna take United supporters more than just one or two beers to make it through this season.

DC United Introduces Ben Olsen as New Head Coach

2010-11-29T15:10:00.001-05:00

Introductory statements from KP and Benny at today's press conference:

Breaking: DC United to Select New Coach

2010-11-28T21:45:00.003-05:00

This just in from the Internet rumor mill. Reviled manager Jose Mourinho is looking to escape the troubles of Real Madrid and is looking for a quiet place to unwind and go on the lam.

Could he be the next DC United manager?

Mourinho is just crazy enough to get the genius of Kevin Payne and Dave Kasper.

Breaking: The MLS Changes Don Garber Did NOT Announce

2010-11-24T17:06:00.013-05:00

We all know that MLS has many things in the works and they are trying to balance the people that follow soccer (or football, if you want the better known name) and the people that only come out because their little kids play recreation soccer and got free tickets. MLS headquarters has been all abuzz with new changes expected over the next few years to secretly appease the football aficionados without alienating the US American public (which to date really has ignored MLS, anyway...).

Top secrets Garber does not want you to know:

Promotion/Relegation

Yes, it is coming to MLS. However, because everyone knows that after paying a multi-million dollar franchise fee, the operator/owners are unwilling to be placed into a second division, MLS is working out a compromise, whereby the last place team in the stronger conference will be sent to the weaker conference and the top team in the weaker conference will be sent to the stronger conference. The strength of the conferences will be determined by the all-star balloting - the conference which sends more players to the All-Star game will judged the stronger.

Single Table

You might think with the above organization that MLS will forever neglect the single table, however, this is not the case. In all league announcements, the teams will be ranked in a single table. This ranking will have no bearing on the playoff set up, which will be done by conference. Thus it will be possible for the #5 ranked team to be the top seed in their conference.

End to the Eastern and Western Conferences

MLS has started to evaluate the need to change the format from East vs. West to North vs. South. According to team location evaluators Harvey Mason and George Dixon, there will be a line drawn somewhere across the US to divide things into North and South.

International Calendar

With the division of North and South, MLS will play a split schedule that aligns with the European schedule. All of the Southern Conference teams will host matches from October through March and the Northern Conference will host August/September and April/May. MLS Cup will become a fixture on Memorial Day Sunday at 8pm Eastern Daylight Time.

Supporters Shield

The league is debating providing more importance to the Supporters Shield winner. One proposal is that the winner will be allowed to have a roster depth and salary cap equivalent to the LA Galaxy for the season after winning.

Name Change

Major League Soccer is seriously considering changing their name to the La Premier Bundesliga.

Latest: Findley Accepts Mantle

2010-11-24T16:53:00.003-05:00

In a secret ceremony deep within the bowels of the US Soccer Federation headquarters, Sunil Gulati oversaw the transfer of the sacred mantle once held by Real Salt Lake head coach Jason Kreis. Kreis is proud that Robbie Findley is taking it from Taylor Twellman. In a rumored interview after the ceremony, Kreis had this to say:

”It is not easy to score a lot of goals in the league and still find yourself without goals at the National Team. Sometimes those guys set you up with a clear look and you have to somehow shank it. It is a real honor that Findley can take over this role from Twellman.”

Canucks Spurn MLS Cup for Hockey

2010-11-24T11:14:00.002-05:00

While the official numbers appeared good for MLS Cup, in reality, many of those who bought tickets preferred to watch the Pee Wee North Toronto Hockey Jamboree than Colorado Rapids and FC Dallas battle for the coveted MLS Cup. According to rumors we have from a local bartender with connections to the Toronto region, the Hockey Jamboree was filled to its 60,000 person capacity and that several in attendance had tickets to the other match across town. Locals say that the Pee Wee tournament represents the best of ages 4 to 9 hockey in all of North Toronto, which is the source for some talent on the Canadian National Hockey Team.

”When the weather gets cold in September, our thoughts all turn to the ice, enough with these other sports. Sure those guys at Toronto FC are still playing but it doesn’t mean anything, afterall their season is over in July.”

Fans at the Pee Wee North Toronto Hockey Jamboree were excited and thrilled with the event and several questioned about the MLS Cup happening across town replied, “Normally I would accept your inquiry in good sport but really I must quote a great Canadian, ‘Take off, you Hoser!’. Thank you.”

Note: Many Canadians suffered unnecessarily for the use of the stereotypes in this article.

Breaking: DC United Offers Draft Picks

2010-11-23T19:12:00.004-05:00

After hearing that the 2011 Draft Class is expected to be very deep, the DC United Front Office staff has issued the following press announcement:

DC United has draft picks. You know that you want them. We are looking for the following in trade: 1) Plane tickets for four and luxury hotel stay in Argentina (Expecting to travel between November through February); 2) Plane tickets for one to Africa; 3) Plane tickets for four to Europe, luxury hotel stay in Europe and 4 luxury box tickets to the Champion's League Final(Travel between February through May). We are accepting bids at our offices at RFK stadium. Note: We are not interested in your players, ours are much better than any you have to offer.

Upcoming: Hooligan Expert Agrees that MLS is about to EXPLODE

2010-10-01T10:29:00.001-04:00

According to our interview with Pookie Sulfer, ex-hooligan from ENGLAND! and reformed author, MLS is about to explode in violence and hooliganism, the likes of which have not been seen since the bad bad 1980s and 1990s.

Mr. Sulfer, tell us a bit about why you believe that MLS is ripe for a hooligan invasion?

“I ran with a pretty tough crew back in the day. We were the feared Black Street Ruffians that made many another hooligan group run with fear at just the sound of our name. We were so hard that the police had separate procedures to deal with our boys. We’d seriously mess up anyone that tried to invade our turf at Cream Puff Downs, which was named after the famous Cream Puff factory that closed down under Thatcher in favor of another Government ministry to repress the Irish. Anyway, we’d totally get all ultra-violent on other hooligan groups. They’d run so fast that they’d leave scarves and hats behind. We had quite the collection of found stuff in our headquarters.”

All very interesting and exciting Mr. Sulfer, but what does that have to do with MLS?

“I’m just telling like it is. That is hooliganism. I am out of that life now. After I broke my finger punching out some guy, I realized that there was more to life than just beating up people, so I became an author and wrote about all the cool stuff I did. Like that time when my ten mates and I jumped those two Blue Street Boys in the alley behind Hosters. That was great. We put a whooping on them. Gave them the fear of the Black Street Ruffians.”

Um, what about MLS?

“Oh, yea, just wanted to let you know what hooliganism can be like. It is not all friendly like it gets pictured in movies or on the telly. It is really hard and dangerous. It is coming here to the States, of that I can promise you. You have all the ingredients necessary: football, what you lot call soccer, fans, and stadiums. Once you have that, it is inevitable.”

Any other evidence for your assertion?

“Well just look at what kind of stick that bloke Becks is getting from fans. They are screaming at him from their seats. Those guys are willing to yell at their own players. I tell you, they are hard and will likely have words with people outside the stadium too! And when that happens it could come to blows. In DC, they get thousands of people to chant about wishing to crap on opposing team’s cities. I mean, they are advocating use of weapons of mass defecation upon innocents. That is rough. In Colorado, the hooligans are defying bans on swear words and using that harsh language to intimidate all the families that come to matches. I know from personally talking to people on Internet message boards, that a lot of people have abandoned going to Colorado Rapids games because of that hooligan behavior. And then there is the Columbus Crew Kickers fan groups. They got into with the legendary Green Street Hooligans, of movie fame, at an international friendly! You are telling me that MLS is not about to explode, it is because you haven’t been there in the trenches of hooligan violence and don’t know the signs.”

And when is this outbreak of violence going to happen?

“My guess is that as things wind down in the season towards the intensity of the playoffs, we’ll see an increasing level of violence. Look, in MLS, as the matches become more intense and more people stay away from the stadium, particularly during the playoffs, you are more likely to see a concentration of hard core support than at other times of the year. With the increased intensity of the match results, the concentration of hard core support that does not have the mitigating numbers of innocents and fair-weather fans could explode in an orgy of hooligan violence! I think we could see the use of pepper spray and tear gas to control the crowd. There is also a possibility that hooligans will use violence against marketing ploys from teams, like say if Santa Claus is part of a parade, I could see hooligans pelting him with batteries or coins. It would be carnage!”

SuperFan Theater, Episode 1

2010-08-06T09:43:00.002-04:00

Behold, an MLS Rumors Rumors exclusive! It's the series premier of SuperFan Theater! That's right, whenever we get around to it, we'll be bringing you new episodes of SuperFan Theater, wherein SuperFans of various MLS teams engage in smack talk for the amusement of YOU, the MLS Rumors Rumors reader!

So without further ado, here's Episode 1, featuring LA Galaxy SuperFan Tawper*, and his bestest buddy, Seattle Steve!

*Tawper is in no way related to actual LA Galaxy fan Topper...Tawper may only be a cartoon character, but he's way, way taller.

Rumor: Kinnear Looking at DC Castoffs

2010-08-04T17:25:00.008-04:00

After DC United boss Kevin Payne suggested that players not living up to DC United standards can look elsewhere, Houston coach Dominic Kinnear is licking his chops (well Wade Barrett's chops) in anticipation. MLS Rumors Rumors has it on good authority of a certain person that has been to Texas (and not just the Alamo either!), that Kinnear is keen on several DC United players.

"Last time they were tired of a player, we shipped them some of our dead weight and got Bobby Boswell. Once we nipped that bobbyboswell.com crap in the bud, he became a useful player. I can think of any number of guys up there in DC that would welcome a club with a good atmosphere, tradition of winning, excellent coaching, and an actual stadium that doesn't have rats, cats, and racoons."

Kevin Payne's response was straight forward:

"They can talk to them if they would like to get sued. But I don't think it will come to that because Dominic Kinnear is a gentleman. We have no intention to have any of our players come to Houston for a trial. They are under contract and if anybody tries to talk to them, we are prepared to file a lawsuit. This is DC. It's American contract law that applies here. Local law prevails. We have not been contacted. I am quite confident that if Houston wanted to talk to us about our players, Dominic would call me. They are all very, very special."

EXCLUSIVE: KP and Kasper discuss transfer targets!

2010-08-04T15:32:00.002-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC: Our source, who we must again stress is not necessarily a raccoon, has provided us with another gem - exclusive footage of Kevin Jong-il and Dave Kasper discussing DC United's targets for the current transfer window! Enjoy!

EXCLUSIVE: Footage of 2004 meeting between Kevin Jong-il and Nowak!

2010-08-04T14:38:00.002-04:00

WASHINGTON, DC: A well-placed source, who may or may not be a raccoon who regularly scavenges through the RFK dumpsters, recently provided us with security camera footage from a 2004 meeting between Kevin Jong-il and United's head coach at the time, Piotr Nowak. Though the footage is grainy, and the sound a bit off, the two can clearly be heard to discuss Freddy Adu's lack of playing time. Enjoy this exclusive, folks!

Profile: Kevin Jong-il

2010-08-04T10:53:00.013-04:00

Kevin Jong-il (undated image, released by MLSRumors² in August 2008) Sunglasses and business casual are Kevin Jong-il's trademark

The little that is known about Kevin Jong-il, D.C. United's leader, conjures up a caricature of a diminutive playboy, a comic picture at odds with his brutal regime.

Former coaches and players talk of a vain, paranoid, cognac-guzzling hypochondriac.

He is said to wear platform shoes to appear taller than his 1.57m (5ft 3in).

But analysts are undecided whether his eccentricities mask the cunning mind of a master manipulator or betray an irrational madman.

Mr Kevin may well encourage the myth-making surrounding him precisely in order to keep the soccer world guessing. D.C. United has little to bargain with, and ignorance breeds fear.

Film buff

The analysis of him as a mercurial fantasist is certainly beguiling.

"I know I'm an object of criticism in the world but if I am being talked about, I must be doing the right things"
Kevin Jong-il

He is said to have a library of 20,000 Hollywood movies and to have even written a book on the cinema. He even went so far as to engineer the kidnapping, in 1998, of a MLS Soccer promo commercial director and his girlfriend.

This taste for the exotic apparently extends to gastronomy.

Galin Ivanov, a Bulgarian emissary who traveled with Mr Kevin by train across Russia, reported that the D.C. United leader had live lobsters air-lifted to the train every day which he ate with silver chopsticks.

The two men shared champagne with a bevy of female companions of "utmost beauty and intelligence", according to Mr Ivanov.

Mr Kevin also has a reputation as a drinker.

He was seen draining 10 glasses of wine during his 2000 summit with NY/NJ Metrostars President Charlie Stillitano and is known to have a taste for Hennessy VSOP cognac.

Strategist

But such an unlikely reputation masks Mr Kevin's dangerous past.

Nor should it be assumed that eccentricity means inability. Mr Kevin is said to follow assiduously international events on the internet and some see him as a clever manipulator, willing to take great risks to underpin his regime - such as his apparent decision to test a rookie coach.

USSF Chief Sunil Gulati, who has met Mr Kevin, said that the D.C. United leader was very well informed and "not delusional".

"I found him very much on top of his brief," he added, although he noted that some of the comments he made about his plans for D.C. United sounded illogical.

Birth 'blessed'

The cult surrounding Kevin Jong-il extends even to his birth. He was born in Siberia in 1941 when his father, Kevin Il-sung, was in exile in the former Soviet Union.

But according to official D.C. United accounts, he was born in a log cabin at his father's guerrilla base on the Washington Redskins former Ashburn training facility, in February 1942.

The event was reportedly marked by a double rainbow and a bright star in the sky.

But he did not hold any positions of real power until 1995, when he took control of the nascent MLS Club - despite his lack of soccer experience.

Analysts believe he was given the position to counter potential resistance to his eventual megalomania.

Typically, he has kept his choice of successor close to his chest, if indeed he has made a decision.

Speculation has often focused on his eldest puppy, but one MLSRumors² report suggested that he had named his third goldfish.

Rumor: Coffee Talk Too Much for Ljungberg

2010-08-01T15:36:00.004-04:00

What caused Freddie Ljungberg to turn sour on Seattle? Was it the weather? After years in England and Sweden, he has to be used to steady gray rainy days for months on end. Was it the quality of play? We all know that Seattle invented the game and under Sigi Schmidt have tried to play a quick game that works with their artificial turf field. Was it the fear of Sigi's belly? While rumors have persisted that Sigi eats players that bother him, there were no indications that the Swede would have ended up on the menu. Was it the artificial turf? Freddie is an aging star and has to look out for his legs after injuries hampered his work in the English Premier League, the turf cannot have felt great on those shattered ankles.

The TRUTH: it was none of the above!

MLS Rumors Rumors spoke with a local barrista with connections to a Seattle barrista, who often serves the Sounders FC players. According to our source, Freddie Ljungberg tired of the coffee talk.

"He hated coming into the shop. He came because Sigi would sit on him if he didn't. All he wanted to do was talk about modeling and underwear but the rest of the guys wanted nothing to do with that. They all wanted to discuss coffee. They would spend hours discussing roasting techniques, brewing tips, varieties of beans, and different methods of frothing. I heard that he even did that landing strip mohawk just to have them talk about something else. It worked for all of five minutes."

Rumor: Wayne Rooney Upset By Red Bull Snub

2010-07-31T18:02:00.002-04:00

The summer seems to be getting worse for English forward Wayne Rooney. After his disappointing showing at the FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa (Sponsored by Diamond Jack Travels, who reminds you that without the money from tours booked from the US, he cannot call the referees before matches to wish them fair play!), Wayne Rooney has suffered another fall from grace - he has yet to be mentioned in the transfer swirl surrounding Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey.

"Every player worth his salt has been linked with a move to north Jersey, so I guess that means Rooney is a has-been."

Fans of the untriumphant club in northern New Jersey are quick to point out that although they would not turn down an offer of Wayne Rooney, he really would be second or third choice. Afterall, they are a super club and need someone that will not take the spotlight from Seth Stammler.

Latest: New Conference Arrangement for 2011

2010-07-30T16:53:00.003-04:00

According to the latest rumors surrounding the back alleys and train platforms of Grand Central Station, the MLS will be announcing two new conference divisions for next season. They are quite simply: Salary Cap Applicable Conference versus Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference.

The Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference will consist of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey, Los Angeles Galaxy, and Seattle Sounders FC. Everyone else will be in the Salary Cap Applicable Conference. Seeding for the playoffs will consist of three teams from the Salary Cap Not Applicable conference and five teams from the Salary Cap Applicable Conference.

Breaking: SAF Endorses Curt Onalfo

2010-07-30T08:46:00.002-04:00

With the season slipping away quickly from DC United, Curt Onalfo has received a huge boost of confidence from one of his peers. In a hurried response to a random question, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this to say about Curt Onalfo:

“I like Curt. I like his approach. I think he’s got a steely determination about him. I think he’s done a fantastic job. I’m surprised DC United have not sprinted to his house to get him a new contract.”

In other news, Sir Alex has also endorsed Raymond Domenech, Maradona, Greg Andrulis, and Fernando Clavijo.

Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

2010-07-23T20:01:00.003-04:00

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

BREAKING: DC United Announce Bid For 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

2010-07-22T09:58:00.005-04:00

United Supporters Celebrate the Announcement of the Team's Bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

WASHINGTON, DC: DC United today announced that they have presented the U.S. Soccer Federation with a bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup. For several seasons, opponents have complained about United's penchant for only playing Open Cup matches at home, and the team has decided to take things to the logical next step for next year's competition.

A United spokesman gave the following statement at a press event this morning: "Here at DC United, our motto is 'It Takes More,' and we try to extend that to everything we do. For next year, that means submitting a bid to bring the Open Cup back here where it belongs. We think the numbers in our bid are solid, and we expect to be awarded the Cup once the Federation has examined the package."

When asked whether the team felt it's supporters would care that United was attempting to acquire the Cup without actually competing for it, the spokesman replied, "Hey, bidding is, by definition, a competition. If Seattle really wants the Cup, they're welcome to try to outbid us."

Breaking: DHS Seeking Thierry Henry in Coyote Plot

2010-07-12T09:20:00.007-04:00

According to an unnamed and unconfirmed source, the Department of Homeland Security is seeking Thierry Henry for questioning in connection with alleged trafficking in soccer players. The former Arsenal player jumped ship for the warmer shores of Spain to play for Barcelona but ended up sitting on the bench a lot because, come on, a guy his age just doesn't have the quality a top side need. The aging striker is now under suspicion of smuggling players into the US.

Unconfirmed speculation is that he had stashed the entire starting lineup of Paris St. Germain in his garage, awaiting MLS signings. Unfortunately for him, no one in MLS had heard of them and no team with room under the salary cap was willing to take them on consignment without more than video evidence (DC United was reportedly "very, very interested," but was still looking to make a deal for cap room and DP slots at the time this article went to publication). Henry's neighbors called the authorities after the smells emanating from the garage became overpowering; when the police opened the garage, they found the Parisian squad sitting around smoking Gauloises cigarettes, eating ham and brie on buttered baguettes, and misting cologne over their unwashed bodies. The police tried to help the players but were rebuffed until a translator was brought to the scene, at which point they were mercilessly taunted until they left.

Breaking: Beckerman Seeks Octopus' Advice

2010-07-10T06:12:00.008-04:00

Kyle Beckerman is reportedly seeking the advice of Paul the Octopus regarding the future of his hair. The Real Salt Lake standout is making a decision on keeping his current hairstyle or sporting one of those Freddie Ljungberg landing strip mohawks.

After asking his normal consultative and decision making assistant, the Magic 8 Ball, if he should keep his current style, the Magic 8 Ball said:

Mr. Beckerman decided that he needed a better oracle of wisdom and knowledge. Enter Paul the Octopus.

No word yet if Paul is willing to venture an oracle regarding such a monumental decision, however, his handlers are rumored to be seeking additional revenue streams taking advantage of the cephalopods' predictive abilities.

Latest: MLS Rumors Rumors Staff Found!

2010-07-09T16:51:00.004-04:00

Yes, after weeks of not posting or postings regarding some piddly little tournament halfway around the world, we here at MLS Rumors Rumors have found our staff. They were literally passed out drunk in the basement of a local bar. One was mumbling over and over again: "Please, I won't quote you, but tell me what did Sebastian Veron's hair stylist say about Messi's interest in Real Salt Lake..."

So, never fear, we will be back to regularly scheduled news updates any minute now!

Latest: Rumors out of North Korea that the World Cup will be Cancelled!

2010-06-24T21:36:00.004-04:00

According to our inside man, the United States has formed a coalition to end the World Cup early after North Korea shocked the world through defeating Brazil 2:1 and Portugal 10:7. These results have so surprised the western world and shown that through group effort and community and sacrifice, the most powerful country in the world can prevail over the coalition of capitalistic tyrannies. As a result, the third match for the brave North Korean Champions will not be televised.

MLS Rumors Rumors will be hot on the trail of truth in this regard.

Breaking update: Although the World Cup has been cancelled, a team of South Korean imposters donned North Korean uniforms and played a match, pretending to be our heroic team. The North Korean Federation protests this deception vigorously and condemns the captalist totalitarianism at fault. We only support the people's choice of football teams and the clear winner of the World Cup before cancellation was the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.

The Wisdom Of Homer, World Cup Edition

2010-06-22T09:53:00.001-04:00

Latest: Vuvuzelas to MLS?

2010-06-21T20:23:00.004-04:00

We have all grown to love or hate the infamous horns of South Africa, the vuvuzelas. These noisemaking devices are loud and pervasive at this World Cup and are now causing a stir amongst the MLS teams. Some front office staffers are gung-ho about bringing the horns to the US for MLS matches, whilst others are rather lukewarm about the idea.

Spokespersons for FC Dallas speaking in confidence and anonymity said:

”We can get a couple guys playing one of them into the stadium and for the TV audience it makes it seem that we have fans.”

For others such as the Colorado Rapids, the front office appears to be less enthusiastic:

”We don’t want them here. They make noise. They upset people. They bring the kind of atmosphere you would expect at a rock concert. We struggle mightily to maintain our Christian Tennis Match atmosphere and we don’t want it ruined by some devil-inspired troublemakers with loud horns.”

Seattle Sounders FC spokesperson:

”Well, we invented the darn horns. Those South Africans had never seen or heard a Vuvuzela before we came along. We’ve had them forever.”

Houston ~~1836~~ Dynamo was enthusiastic about them:

”We would welcome the vuvuzelas to our fair stadium. Then we could have them drown out those damn Mexican Horns those Latinos use. What? How could anyone take offense to that statement?”

The DC United front office was unaware of the vuvuzela issue: When asked about the possibility of vuvuzelas coming to MLS, United President Kevin "KP" Payne replied:

"Vuvu-whatnow? Never heard of him - is he Brazilian? I think we can come up with a second DP slot - do you know who his agent is?"

Toronto FC was not only in favor of the vuvuzela but actually had this to say:

”We believe to represent the proper amount of cultural diversity in our stadium, we will require every fan to be issued a vuvuzela. This will be in addition to their regular horns, kilt, wedge of brie, curry and rice, jerk chicken, red coats, shamrocks, chopsticks, and native headdress.”

A rumor out of Bridgeview is that the Chicago front office likes the idea:

”Hearing those droning horns from South Africa reminds me of the droning single song coming out of Section 8. One song is all you ever need.”

According to fans that actually know there is a team in Kansas, the team is ok with them:

”Afterall, the Florida Marlins gave them away in a recent promotion. If it is good enough for baseball, then it is good enough for Kansas.”

Real Salt Lake front office warmed up to the idea after it was pointed out that they sounded like the Horn of the Angel Gabriel.

New England’s front office is mixed about the horns and is willing to give them a shot but only in half of the stadium.

”We will not have vuvuzelas in our stadium! They have been found to be drug paraphernalia after some fans made a water pipe out of it.”

was the official word from the Portland front office.

In a bizarre twist, the Vancouver front office is actually in favor of them for the exact same reason:

Yeah, man, we're, like, totally gonna have vuvubonga day, eh? Like, first 10,000 righteous brahs get a free vuvubonga! It's gonna be killer, eh?

San Jose’s front office would require strict rules of possession for any vuvuzelas used in the stadium. According to the official release:

”All owners have sole possession of the vuvuzela. This is a non-transferable ownership and the vuvuzela will remain with the original purchaser in perpetuity. The vuvuzelas will be kept at Buck Shaw Stadium grounds until such time as the Earthquakes re-locate to a new home with the Bay Area. At no time with the vuvuzela be allowed to re-locate from the Earthquake’s stadium to any areas outside the Bay Area. In the unlikely event of the re-location happening outside the Bay Area, all vuvuzela history will remain in the Bay Area.”

When reached for comment in their Austrian headquarters, the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey front office said only:

”We think the vuvuzelas could finally break the non-official supporters groups and allow our fans to truly enjoy the Red Bulls experience in the most Red Bully way possible.”

Philadelphia’s front office was testing the idea to find out the maximum range and damage of said vuvuzelas before allowing them into the stadium.

Columbus’ front office refused to allow the vuvuzelas, noting that it has not yet been demonstrated that they are “hard”.

Chivas USA’s front office has taken the approach of excluding the horns because they represent Northern Aggression against Latinos.

LA Galaxy has adopted the vuvuzelas because with the popularity of the World Cup, it is clear that all Superclubs in the future will have them.

MLS supremo and general nice guy Don Garber could not be reached at his luxury resort in Atlantic City for comment.

Breaking: Abbey Okulaja to Ref World Cup Final

2010-06-18T22:38:00.002-04:00

Sepp Blatter has just announced that FIFA has accepted the petition from Abbey Okulaja to referee the World Cup Final.

”He made a compelling argument augmented by women footballers in appropriate dress.”

MLS Rumors² has speculated that the argument consisted of a replay of the US – Slovenia match with an attached note: “I could do no worse.”

Breaking: England Keeper to Try Hand at NFL

2010-06-18T16:30:00.002-04:00

According to rumors, England’s keeper Robert Green is looking to avoid a painful return to England after the World Cup. After the gaff against the United States costing his team two points, Greene is said to be looking for a profession that does not require the use of hands.

”I heard that in the NFL, kickers don’t have much to do and don’t ever have to use their hands. I know one of the US keepers had a stint with some NFL team as a kicker and was really respected for it. I’d like that.”

Rumors place the Buffalo Bills as the front runner for the English keeper’s services. According to the reports, the Bills are used to kickers making critical mistakes and offer a welcoming environment for those types of errors.

Latest: According to rumors from the England Dressing Room, Green stated "I'd like to leave now."

Republic of Ireland & Shilton Issue Joint Statement to U.S.: Cry Us a River

2010-06-18T14:24:00.004-04:00

DUBLIN: The Republic of Ireland issued an official diplomatic statement today, joined by retired England international keeper Peter Shilton. It read in full:

Dear Amerikay: Sorry the refs buggered you, but you know what? Ye can cry us a fuckin' river, that's what.

Cheers,

-The Republic
-Peter Shilton

Dick Bavetta: "Nothing Wrong" With Disallowed Goal Call

2010-06-18T13:01:00.002-04:00

NEW YORK, NY: Widely respected NBA referee Dick Bavetta commented on widespread derision heaped upon referee Koman Coulibaly's decision to disallow a third U.S. goal late in their 2-2 draw with Slovenia: "I saw nothing wrong with the call. Looked like a totally legitimate call to me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make balloon animals for Sepp Blatter and David Stern's grandkids."

Koman Coulibaly: I Don't Like Fridays

2010-06-18T12:28:00.004-04:00

The silicon chip inside his head
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna win the match today,
Hee's going to make them draw instead.
Bob Bradley doesn't understand it,
He really thought that it was a goal.
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to disallow
The whole damn day.

The telex machine is kept so clean
As it types to a waiting world.
And Landon feels so shocked,
Edu's world is rocked,
And their thoughts turn to
Their own little ref.
The round of 16 ain't so peachy keen,
No, it ain't so neat to admit defeat.
They can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

All the playing's stopped at Ellis Park now
He wants to play with his toys a while.
And the match ended early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to tie.
And then the tannoy crackles,
And the manager crackles,
With the problems and the how's and why's.
And he can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to tie?

Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.

Local Fan Attempts to Reconcile Hatred of Bob Bradley with Love of USMNT, Fails

2010-06-17T09:39:00.010-04:00

Do Not Trust This Man

RESTON, VA: In an exclusive interview with MLS Rumors Rumors, Dave Thomasson, a Northern Virginia man widely known for his passionate love of both DC United and the United States national team, expressed his recent struggle to reconcile his love of the Nats with his burning hatred of the man he refers to only as "Cheatin' Bob":

MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us, Dave. Why don't you start from the beginning: why exactly do you hate Bob Bradley so much? After all, didn't his coaching career start as an assistant at DC United?

Dave Thomasson: He did start at DC...and that only makes what he did even harder to stomach...it was back in July 2003, and Cheatin' Bob was coaching the Metroscum in a game against DC at RFK. It was balls hot, and MLS still had that Mickey Mouse overtime rule. They also had a Mickey Mouse "fourth sub" rule, that allowed a team to make a fourth substitution, but only for the 'keeper. You know, so if your keeper blows out his ACL after you burned your last sub, you aren't hung out to dry, right?

MLSR²: Right, I remember that.

DT: Yeah, well, like I said, it's balls hot, and both teams have used up their three standard subs...and the game is tied at the end of regulation. So in OT, that cheating bastard has Eddie fucking Gaven sub in for a field player, but he takes Tim Howard's keeper jersey and comes on in goal. Like, 30 seconds later the ball goes out of play, and as soon as play stops, Gaven and Howard trade jerseys and Howard goes back to goal. Total fucking bullshit. And *then*, because it's fucking hot as the balls on Satan's rottweiler, and everyone else is gassed, Gaven makes a fucking fifty-yard run and scores the winner. It was fucking cheating bullshit, and it was all Cheatin' Bob's doing.

MLSR²: Which brings us to the World Cup, right?

DT: Right. I mean, I love the Nats. The MNT are, like, my heroes, man. I've got a United tattoo on my left shoulder, but I've got the 1950 USMNT crest tattooed on my heart, man. No lie, check it out! [ed. He wasn't kidding.] So I was all set to take out a home equity loan and go to South Africa to follow the Yanks...but then I was watching a qualifier...the one against T&T in Nashville? And they showed a closeup of Cheatin' Bob's face, and it was like a dam broke, you know? Like I'd repressed all these memories for so long, and then the hate just bubbled up, like oil from a blown-out BP well...and I just stood up in the middle of the bar - I was watching at Kitty's in Arlington, right? I just stood up, and started screaming at the TV: "BRADLEY! You fucking cheat! You fucking worthless, no-good, cheating bastard! Fuck you, Bob! Fuck you and your little cheating bitch boy Gaven! You fucking cheats!"

MLSR²: Wow. So were people a little freaked out?

DT: That's the weird thing, man. People started cheering me on! Everyone in the bar was started chanting "CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!" It was seriously cathartic, man.

MLSR²: So you bailed on South Africa?

DT: I just couldn't, man.

MLSR²: You hate Bradley that much?

DT: No, I mean, I literally couldn't. My house is completely underwater - there's no way I could get a home equity loan...

Soccer Bar "Capo" Bounced By Bar Staff

2010-06-15T21:02:00.005-04:00

NEW YORK, NY, 15 June, 2010: MLS Rumors Rumors has confirmed that notorious self-appointed "Yank Capo" Steven "Little Steven" Vandermere was unceremoniously ejected from a Manhattan soccer bar during the U.S.-England World Cup match this past Saturday. According to our source, the coke dealer for a bartender at the bar, which we will call Utah Jones's, though that is not, in fact, its actual name:

Little Steven was kinda being a dick during the early games, you know, talking shit to all the Greeks and Argentines, but whatever, you know? That's just Steven, he's a dick.

Then we got into the pre-game stuff for the U.S. game...Oh man, he took it up a notch. He was standing up on a bar stool, and it was all, "You'd be German!" and "Lend Lease was Limey welfare, Lend Lease was Limey welfare, oh-way oh-way, oh-way oh-way!" I mean, they let that slide, because it was kinda funny, in a douchetastic sorta way...but then the game started, and Gerrard scored right away, and that kinda took the crowd out of it. So Little Steven was up on his stool, and no one's following his chants, or joining in his songs, or whatever. I mean, the best he could get out of people was a really half-assed "U-S-A" chant. It was sad, really...but Little Steven just fucking FREAKED, man...he starts laying into people, you know? Like, shit like, "Fucking sing, you fucking pussies! What the fuck? Sing, bitches, fucking SING!"

Little Steven puts on his game face.

I mean, it was really making people uncomfortable, right? So he's just up on his stool, making an ass of himself, and finally this guy standing right next to him - and seriously, this dude was almost as tall as Little Steven, only without standing on a bar stool, you know? I mean, dude was *huge*, right? So this big dude just looks at Little Steven, and he says, real loud, "Dude, you know the team can't fucking tell if we're singing or not, right?" And everyone in the place just busts out laughing...and then Little Steven just fucking jumped on the dude. Like, just fucking jumped on him and tried to start whaling on him...so the big dude just like walks towards the door, with Little Steven hanging on him, and the crowd just fucking parts, like the Red fucking Sea, right? People are like, "Yo, what?" And the bid dude just gets to the front door, plucks Little Steven off like he was a fucking Chihuahua, chucks him out onto the sidewalk, turns, and walks back into the bar.

Little Steven spent, like, the next 20 minutes trying to get back in, but the dude working the door was all, "Sorry, bro, but we're over capacity, Fire Marshall won't let anyone else in." Finally he just gave up and left. I'd say it was kinda sad, but for real? I haven't stopped laughing about it, man. Just watching that little dude, all dressed up like Uncle Sam's Mini-Me, getting thrown out onto the street like a rag doll after calling everyone in that whole bar pussies for not singing at a fucking television.

Breaking: Kljestan Interview

2010-06-10T16:27:00.004-04:00

As we totally would have informed you first if we had actually posted it instead of forgetting, Sacha Kljestan is off to Belgium. He was unsuspectingly coming out of the hair salon when we totally ambushed him TMZ-Style and asked him some questions:

Q: What are you most looking forward to in Belgium?

A: French fries. I totally heard that they aren't actually from France but from Belgium. I'm so all over that.

Q: Really? Not the girls, the fame, the fact that Onyewu got picked up by AC Milan after playing in Belgium?

A: Dude, I'm like a total French Fry connoisseur. Did you know that there are 463 ways to make French Fries?

Q: No we did not. But really, about the football in Belgium.

A: There are the slow fry, flash fry, quick fry, deep fried, peanut oil fried, canola oil fried...

He went on for another ten minutes before getting into his 2010 Lexus with new car tags and driving off into the Los Angeles smog.

Local Temple of Broseidon to Host WC Parties in Attempt to "Slay Mad Foreign Bitches"

2010-06-10T11:09:00.004-04:00

Spartans! Tonight we Ice each other IN HELL!!1!one!!1eleven!

MOUNT PLEASANT, WASHINGTON, DC:

The local brah-halla known by its occupants as "Sparta" and the "Temple of Broseidon" has announced that it will be hosting numerous viewing parties during the upcoming month-long World Cup tournament. The residents of the house, made infamous by a recent roommate-wanted ad on craigslist, told MLS Rumors² that they expected to use the parties as a means of "slaying mad foreign bitches":

I mean, we always just figured soccer was for fags, and not cock diesel bros like us, but then our recent international brotege, Sergio, totally schooled us. He went to see some Italian team play whatever the hell the team here is called, the Uniteds or something, and he, like, totally brought home these two SMOKING hot foreign chicks. We were all, Brah, is there any more soccer coming up? And he was like, my Brosephs, the World Cup is, like, totally about to start. We were all, the Kingdom of Brah is there, bro! Then he said it's in South Africa, so we were all, let's fire up the 60" LED and bring on the foreign chicks! Plus, Sergio totally works at the World Bank, brah, so we're gonna be swimming in foreign tail! It's gonna be Teddy Brosevelt leading the Rough Riders all over again, yo!

Via further inquiries, MLS Rumors² has confirmed that the Temple of Broseidon will be converting its protein shake blenders into "Brah-garita blenders" for the duration of the World Cup.

Rumor: Local Fan to Sit in Basement for Match

2010-06-10T10:41:00.000-04:00

After a surprising turn of events involving uncertainty about TV viewing options at an outdoor barbeque party, a local fan returns to his old faithful viewing location for the epic, pivotal, and ultimately life-changing US versus England World Cup match. His basement will provide the venue that will be remembered for this historic match, if in fact something historic happens such as England losing.

In a statement, the local fan said:

“I could do a bar in Baltimore, but there's the crowd factor, the driving home an hour or so after drinking and (probably) losing factor so it's less appealing. I doubt any places in Hanover will do anything special so I'll probably end up in the basement alone, drinking and swearing.”

The local fan rejected such long distance treks as Washington DC, New York, or even Philadelphia (probably due to the influence of the Sons of Ben upon the local soccer scene). He is committed to swearing and drinking throughout the match. At this stage, we believe he may be working out a in-game text message companion.

Portugal's Nanny out of the World Cup party

2010-06-08T23:54:00.009-04:00

In a disappointing development today, it was overheard at local watering hole Paddy McDrunkey's that the young Portuguese nanny who lives with the family over in the next neighborhood had hurt her shoulder trying something "acrobatic" in "training" this week. Slightly awkward moments followed when local US fan-boys scrambled to cancel the invitation to the host family designed to lure the unsuspecting 22 year old caregiver into the "man-cave" of local soccer fanatic Brandon Jordan.

"We were totally bummed man. This is, like, the best time to connect with foreign hotties, and we really weren't interested in seeing her employers and their two little brats" said Jordan, the host of the upcoming festivities.

Popular internet message board service, BigSoccer.com was rife with speculation as to how the injury occurred. Some posters, like DeuceizDAMan84 suggested that perhaps one of the children ran past the young woman and knocked her down the stairs. Others, like 3 year member GoochBigelow suggested more prurient and outrageous possibilities involving grooming implements and slick bathroom tile floors.

When asked, the young Nanny claimed to be practicing her bicycle kicks in the back alley and landing awkwardly on her shoulder. She is says she will miss up to 2 weeks of prime chillaxing time at nerdy American male domiciles. It is her hope that by the time the knock-out stage commences, she will have a better offer from more a mature and comfortably situated man.

When confronted by the crisis, Sunil Gulati tried in vain to calm down the panicky fanatics.
The US Soccer supremo quietly suggested that Jordan and his band of smoothies put in an emergency call to the nanny service to see if any acceptable replacements lived within a 1 hour drive of the party location. Luckily, a trio of possible replacements were located. Unluckily, the three potential fill-ins saw creepy photos of Jordan on Facebook involving a bandanna, a Clint Dempsey bobble-head, a spent road flare, and a shocking lack of appropriate undergarments.
Too bad.

Investigation: Adidas' Secret for New World Cup Ball

2010-06-05T10:32:00.005-04:00

As has been reported before every World Cup in recent memory, players, coaches, and goalkeepers are complaining about the new ball. While this is not news to anyone, we here at MLS Rumors² have done some digging about why the ball is so "lively".

Adidas has decided to put a hamster in every ball! That is right, a live hamster in every Jubalani ball!

According to an anonymous Adidas source:

"We got the word from FIFA to make the ball a bit more exciting. Our technicians worked for 10 years and we were still no further along than our 2006 Teamgeist ball. Then Hans von Deinkle was at home with his kids looking at his hamster roll around the floor. Inspiration struck and now we've got a ball that really changes the game."

According to the Adidas technicians, the hamster is perfectly cushioned inside a hermetically sealed SafeTZone™.

"This SafeTZone™ protects the hamster during the match to prevent them from feeling any of the impacts on the ball from feet, hands, knees, and heads. Additionally, the inside has been lined with HamsterFutter™ brand feed, so that the hamster has the energy necessary for a full 90 minute match. We don't want to see one of our balls go to sleep during the match. HamsterFutter™ has all the nutrients and stimulants that a hamster could want to make sure it has the stuff to go a full 90 minutes at such an important event."

After each match, the hamsters are removed from the ball and taken to the super secret FIFAHamsterZonePlayZone™ for rest and relaxation until the next match.

Rossi: I Can Has World Cup? Azzurri: NOT YOURS!

2010-06-01T16:23:00.003-04:00

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned via the interwebs that Giuseppe Rossi has been left off Italy's World Cup roster. We contacted the U.S. Soccer Federation for an official reaction, and received only the following short video in reply:

DaMarcus Beasley Could Quit Over Jamar Snub

2010-06-01T09:36:00.003-04:00

Not to be outshone by the brouhaha unfolding around snubbed Mexican international Jonathan dos Santos and his brother Giovanni, DaMarcus Beasley is considering quitting the United States' World Cup squad following the omission of his brother Jamar.

The players' father, Henry, is enraged by coach Bob Bradley's decision not to take both of his sons to South Africa - and he now wants both of them to quit the squad permanently.

Jamar Beasley in his U.S. kit. Yeah, yeah, it's a futsal kit, but try telling that to DaMarcus.

Henry, who is not a former professional player, said: "DaMarcus is very hurt and he wants to be at home with us. He is there now and he's not well. We don't know if he will play (at the World Cup) or not. We still don't know anything.''

Jamar is also set to quit international football over the snub - something his father completely agrees with. "Jamar told me that he is going to quit the U.S. team and I don't want him playing for them anymore anyway,'' Henry added. "Also, my understanding is that the grapes in South Africa are so sour as to be virtually inedible, so Jamar didn't want them, anyway. Now if you will excuse me, I need to find my ball so I can take it and go home...that's right, screw you guys, I'm going home."

Latest: DC United Seeking Points From Friendly

2010-05-27T19:41:00.003-04:00

Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, and Curt Onalfo have taken issue with MLS over the value of Wednesday Night's match against AC Milan. The DC United management team is wondering why they have not received some compensation in the MLS league standings for their heroic victory over the Italian side. After dropping 8 of their first nine matches, the team is desparate for any and all points that can be assigned.

"You saw our players giving their all against one of the best teams in the world. How can that be for naught?"

When reached for comment, MLS supremo and general ruler of MLSsoccer.com Don Garber may well have said something like:

"They don't know that it is supposed to be a damn show. They think it is a damn fight."

Update: Bradley Speaks About Roster

2010-05-27T16:39:00.005-04:00

In looking to address fan's concerns about the 23 man squad selected to travel to the World Cup in South Africa, US National Team Coach Bob Bradley revealed that he was forced to make some selections.

"Look, if FIFA didn't have this number, this 23, I'd have probably only selected 16 or 17 of these guys. Some are clearly make weight."

Guzan: Better pack some Cup O' Soup, because Supper Is For Starters

However, in response to rampant speculation about the specifics, Bradley said only:

"I have no desire to out those individuals that would fall off the team if not required to bring 23. I don't traffic in idle gossip. I'm not a rumor monger. If you want to read that kind of trash, stick to MLS Rumors Rumors. That said, we haven't bothered assigning Robbie Findley a jersey number, and Brad Guzan won't even be issued a uniform at all. Those guys are more than welcome to eat with the team, though...well, breakfast anyway, and maybe lunch. Dinner, they're on their own, because Nike clearly stated that 'Supper is for starters and subs only,' so feeding guys like that, well, it's just not in the budget."

Breaking: Reaction on Ching

2010-05-26T16:32:00.007-04:00

Two US States are in mourning tonight after Brian Ching's exclusion from the US World Cup squad. Texas, the current home of the Houston ~~1836~~ Dynamo, where Mr. Ching plays his soccer, and Hawaii, the birthplace of Mr. Ching.

"It is like Bob Bradley personally spat in my face." stated one disgruntled Houston Dynamo Fan.

Speculation on whether Hawaiian Governor Linda Lingle will make a call to another famous Hawaiian, President Barack Obama, is rampant.

"We know that Bob Bradley and some others will be meeting with the Big Kahuna himself. If he could just drop a line, like 'hey, you know that Gitmo is nice this time of year' or 'Why are there no Hawaiians on the team?', maybe Bob will change his mind. Otherwise, Hawaii will have to yet again face the prospect of no representation at the World Cup!"

The front office of the Houston Dynamo should probably say:

"While we are tremendously pleased to have Brian Ching back in our side for our upcoming games, he was really looking forward to the World Cup. We will be toning our orange jersey's to half blinding for the duration of the Cup to honor him. Unless he blows another hamstring or misses a bunch of goals, in which case, we will admit that Bob Bradley does really know all."

Latest: Fans Preparing for Disappointment

2010-05-26T10:03:00.003-04:00

US Soccer Fans around the country are eagerly waiting the announcement from National Team Coach Bob Bradley that will send them to the heights of despair. With the 23 man roster for the World Cup announcement at 13:00 (1 PM EDT), fans are stocking up on their quips, hyperbole, and threats of boycott.

In a pre-announcement rant, one fan said:

"I know that he is going to take someone that doesn't deserve to play on my Sunday Rec League side. You know, someone like Bornstein, Torres, or Rogers. Those guys suck! I can do what they do out there!

Other fans were quick to reign him back into control. Saying, "Wait for the announcement, you don't want to get out all your despair too early."

Some fans have taken the extreme position in order to enhance their post-announcement hyperbole.

"I could pick a squad from these guys that would win the World Cup without breaking a sweat. But I doubt that Bob Bradley has the talent or skills to evaluate them properly. He'll end up taking guys that just don't belong and others that won't get selected would shine!

We here at MLS Rumors Rumors of course have the inside scoop on the selection process and have it on speculation that Bradley is purposefully spurning the fans with his 23.

Breaking: The Special One to ReAL

2010-05-24T16:18:00.003-04:00

After last night’s house-warming party in Salt Lake City the Portuguese coach revealed he is set to move permanently to Utah.

ReAL Salt Lake have long sought a coach to match their cosmopolitan setting and Mourinho has long been the man in their sights to lead the club to glory in CONCACAF Champions League play.

After leading Inter to an unprecedented treble of Serie A, Coppa Italia and Champions League titles last night, Mourinho said: "It was difficult to leave Chelsea and it will be sad to leave Inter. Inter is my home in the same way Chelsea was my home. But that’s life, that’s football.

"Now I have two homes, Stamford Bridge and San Siro. And now I will have a third home – probably the Rio Tinto. If you don’t coach ReAL Salt Lake then you always have a gap in your career. Only ReAL are interested in me but I haven’t spoken with anyone and I haven’t signed anything. I promised I’d speak after the final."

Mourinho flew back to Milan to celebrate last night’s triumph with his players, but Inter president Massimo Moratti stayed behind in Salt Lake, probably to thrash out a deal with ReAL boss Dave Checketts. Mourinho said he would talk to Checketts this week.

"The day after tomorrow (I will speak to him)," he said.

"I don’t know the project yet, so I have to hear the project. ReAL is an enormous club, a club that wants the same as me; I want to win, I want to feel important, I want to keep winning."

The Utah media are reporting that a deal is already done, with the Deseret News claiming the Portuguese coach had come to an agreement with ReAL president Dave Checketts on Friday.

The Salt Lake City Tribune, which headlined “ReAL Salt Lake recruits a champion”, said the new coach of the MLS giants would be unveiled on either Tuesday or Wednesday.

The two papers concurred that the length of the contract would be four years, with the former Chelsea coach netting $10 million a season.

Some Inter players could also follow Mourinho to Madrid, according to the papers, notably Brazilian right-back Maicon and Argentinian striker Diego Milito, the former Zaragoza player who scored a brace against Bayern on Saturday.

Mourinho, who also guided Porto to European glory in 2004, follows Ernst Happel and Ottmar Hitzfeld as a member of the select band of coaches to have won the Champions League with two different clubs.

Breaking: DC United Interested In Argentinean Coach

2010-05-21T11:01:00.003-04:00

After years of scouting and hiring Argentinean players, DC United is making a move to hire a coach from the soccer mad country. Sources willing to remain anonymous and speculative suggested that the club was waiting until after the world cup to “get their man”.

”Our current target has some duties until the end of the World Cup and then we are looking to announce him to the world. Trust us, he is a name you will all recognize.”

DC United’s disappointing season has brought them to the brink of this dramatic action and with the mid-season firing of Onalfo only one vote of confidence away, the team is planning for the future. Speculation surrounds the current Argentinean National Team coach, Diego Maradonna. He has the playing experience, the language skills, and if Argentina fails to impress at the Cup, incentive to leave Argentina before the mob gets him.

Could he be the next mid-season Argentinean import for DC United?

Confirmation: Thierry Henry to Stain Reputation

2010-05-19T10:35:00.004-04:00

As we have been reporting all along, media reports of Thierry Henry's pending transfer to MLS have taken a big step forward. The Boston Globe is reporting that an MLS official confirmed the speculation that will send the French forward to the US after the World Cup. We here at MLS Rumors Rumors are proud to say that we helped break the story and bring it to you, first-ish.

According to the speculation, Thierry Henry believes that his handling techniques are uniquely suited for the debacle that is the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey and he is looking forward to pouting, diving, and generally making fun of the referees in MLS.

"I am particularly, eh, looking forward to meeting up with this, how you say, Abbey Okulaja. I, eh, believes that he would buy my nod, shuffle, handball even if I were to do it five centimeters from his face."

Latest: Mexican National Team Bid for US

2010-05-19T10:33:00.000-04:00

According to sources that may understand Spanish, the Mexican Futbol Federation is looking to move to the United States. Sources report that the Mexican Federation's success at drawing large crowds in the United States has them contemplating a move north. The plan would be to challenge the US Soccer's right to represent the United States at FIFA events.

A representative speculating on the Mexican Federations position said:

"We have done our research. According to documents uncovered, FIFA has a clause for minorities. We are going to talk to Diamond Jack about getting us in under this clause. We should be representing the territory of the United States within the next World Cup cycle."

MLS Rumors Rumors could not confirm the use of evil laughter after the above speculation. US Soccer officials were unavailable for contact after rumored to be "wining and dining" people in South Africa.

Witchcraft: Disgruntled Player(s) Suspected of Hexing Bob Bradley

2010-05-18T10:30:00.005-04:00

A picture of Bob Bradley before the hexing.

According to rumors surrounding the United States National Team coach, he has been feeling hot flashes in his limbs and head areas. He has also been suffering from needling pains throughout his body. These events occur usually in the evening and are suspected to be the result of a voodoo doll hex placed upon the coach.

Bob Bradley suffering from a hotflash.

Suspects include a number of players unhappy about not being selected to Bob Bradley’s squad preparing for the World Cup in South Africa. At this time the list of potential players includes the likes of Freddy Adu, Charlie Davies, Jeff Cuningham, Kyle Beckerman, and Troy Perkins and we are expecting more to join as Bob Bradley releases another seven players to comply with the 23 man roster requirement.

Breaking: Tabloid Touts Transfer for Thierry

2010-05-14T10:40:00.007-04:00

That's right, The Sun, the hallmark of integrity and truth, is bringing us the news that Thierry Henry has his bags packed and his ticket bought for a trip to play for the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey. Of course, this does leave a some questions: how can a story about a rumored "pre-contract" hold the truth when they cannot even get the easily verifiable facts correct. Among the factual errors, Thierry Henry scored 226 goals for the Gunners instead of the reported 174 (which doesn't even match the 184 scored by everyone's hero Ian Wright). Basics people, basics... How soon is Thierry Henry to arrive? Will he bring others? How did this blind squirrel find this nut?

And here we thought that the Internationally renowned and respected and most positively the best football news site MLS Rumors Rumors had the monopoly on half-truths, lies, and general satire.

New Item: Seattle Fans Most Awesome According to Local Polls

2010-05-14T06:51:00.007-04:00

Surprisingly, fans of Seattle Sounders FC believe that they are the best fans in the league, according to a poll taken at a drinking establishment in downtown Seattle. Results indicate that 95% of Seattle fans believe their club is not only the best on the field but also off the field. They cited things like the cool colors and the anti-corporate messages as reasons the Seattle fans are far superior to other MLS fans.

“Our numbers are awesome. Before us, MLS was about as popular as USL-2! We put them on the map. No one had ever heard of the Los Angeles Galaxy or DC United before we came along. We are so cool! We have more fans in our pinky finger than most clubs in their whole bodies.”

The small minority that believed Seattle fans [are not the best in MLS -ed.] were asked to please leave or face ultraviolence because they were obviously corporate shills looking to infiltrate the “movement”.

Writers Union Condemns "Unserious, Emotional" Fans

2010-05-13T11:01:00.004-04:00

NEW YORK, 13 May 2010: The Writers Union of Soccer Scribes (WUSS) today released a statement regarding fan reaction to the exclusion of forward Charlie Davies from the U.S. World Cup roster:

Y'all are just a bunch of whiny-ass titty babies. You stupid fanbois need to realize that Charlie Davies suffered serious injuries, and never had any chance of making the preliminary roster of 30 players, let alone the final 23. Never. There was no chance. This is real life, you dumbass Polyannas. Real. Fucking. Life.

What, you think just because nearly all of our reporting leading up to the roster announcement indicated that Davies would be in the 30, that meant you should get your hopes up? How fucking naive are you? Wait, wait, that wasn't a rhetorical question: you are extremely naive. If you were Very Serious, like we are, you'd understand that there never was any hope of Davies making it to Princeton, let alone South Africa.

Hah hah! Silly little fanbois! WUSS laughs at your childish dreams!

What, you think that just because our own reporting now indicates that Davies was under serious consideration until just a few days ago, when the President of Davies's club sent a letter to the USSF saying that Davies is not medically cleared by the club, and that they would therefore not release him, that means that he ever had a prayer of making the 30? Please. Grow up and get serious. Your childish anger only makes you more pathetic.

To sum up, the fact that so many of you were completely blindsided by Davies's exclusion from the roster has nothing whatsoever to do with WUSS completely blowing the story, and everything to do with your own childish imaginations. Grow the fuck up, losers.

Breaking: Houston Fans Not Amused by Internet Web Site

2010-05-13T10:52:00.002-04:00

The internationally renowned MLS Rumors Rumors website is apparently not on the favorites list of at least one Houston Dynamo fan. According to a post on the well appreciated and popular website, Houston Dynamo fans do not find the brand of hilarity posited in the various articles to be enough to cause laughter.

We of course will continue to report on these developments. MLS Rumors Rumors never sleeps!

Unsurprising: Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey Location Confuses Fans

2010-05-13T09:50:00.003-04:00

Where is it? That is what Red Bull New York Red Bulls Fans of Harrison, New Jersey are saying about the new state of the art facility. Apparently, they are staying away in droves because they simply cannot find the stadium and are confused if they should be driving to New York or New Jersey.

One fan claimed, “I’ve been to the Newark area before. It was like run down warehouse, abandoned building, gas station, ratty old shop, and then I got car jacked. I only go there to get the airport and in those situations, I hire Brinks Security to run me out there.”

Said another lost fan: “Are they New York or Harrison, New Jersey? I get so confused with their name. Ever since that New York – New Jersey thing back in 1996, I’m just not sure where they are. I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t ever have to cross the river.”

Rumor: Red Bulls’ Market Research Study Rejects New Flavor

2010-05-12T09:28:00.003-04:00

Sources that have seen Red Bull are aware that perhaps the company has been experimenting with new flavors. In an ever saturated “energy drink” market, Red Bull’s limitation of a single flavor has been a hindrance to exploding into the pre-toddler market. Rumors abound that Red Bull corporate has been looking to co-brand their new flavors for each of their football, skiing, racing, and extreme sports teams. However, while Red Bulls Salzburg, Austria has been market tested to great enjoyment, we have heard that Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey has not won any fans in testing.

“It sort of looks ok on the outside but once you drink it. Man, I couldn’t tell if the initial shockingly bad taste was worse than the lingering horrid aftertaste. It was putrid. The flavor almost tries to get you to drink other energy drinks just to get that taste out of your mouth.”

According to company spokesmen, who probably said nothing on the issue,

“We tried to capture the essence of our Red Bull New York franchise. We look at this product in the New York region and say, we need to build more awareness in the marketplace. The new flavor would ideally provide drinkers with a good sense of their future experiences at Red Bull Arena in the New York region. We are looking to perhaps introduce some European influence into the current formulation to make it a more favorable experience for our future fans.”

Rumor: War of Words Heats Up Between Seattle and DC

2010-05-11T10:25:00.002-04:00

After the shocking reports that Seattle Sounders FC would return money to their season ticketholders for their pathetic display in the 4:0 loss at home to the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California, DC United Supremo and Generally Boss of All Things Kevin Payne claimed that Seattle was weak for admitting their defects. According to speculation, Mr. Payne stated:

“These guys are crass amateurs. Apologizing to fans about poor play? What is this a rec league? Did you hear us come out and tell our fans ‘sorry’ after we got shellacked 4:0 in Kansas? Or 2:0 at home against the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey? No. And why? Because we win trophies!”

Rumors from RFK suggest that DC United might actually raise ticket prices on matches the team wins. They are expecting to charge an additional $5 “winner’s surcharge” to all fans in order to exit the stadium. They hope to use this money to buy a single SuperTall Half-Latte Half-Espresso Gigante.

Latest: DC United Announces Latest International Friendly

2010-05-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

DC United is proud to announce that in July the team will be facing the international powerhouse FC Santa Coloma from the Andorran First Division. The team is touring the United States to reward their loyal fanbase and to make inroads in the lucrative US soccer market. DC United apparently came upon the idea after the mother of the trainer for FC Santa Coloma sent them a DVD with highlights.

Look, we are always trying to get the best in here. We saw this DVD and said, that is a team we need to play! They are awesome. So stylish. We saw this one guy dribble an entire team four times - he even had the same moves and the guys still bought them every time. Reminded us of the Preki moves. Wonderful. Our supporters will be enthralled.

The match is scheduled to take place at FED Ex Field in Landover, Maryland. Tickets start at $100.

Latest: Kraft Informed of Operator/Owner Status

2010-05-06T20:53:00.002-04:00

According to the best sources at the local establishment we frequented, the Kraft family just recently found out that they still were in charge of the New England Revolution. Apparently, members of the family were complaining about the lack of signings and spate of injuries and all of the red cards, when it was brought to their attention that they in fact are still in charge of the organization.

“We had no idea. We know that we owned and operated them a few seasons ago but really it just slipped our minds. I think we might need to spend some time figuring out how we can get a few more players that have done more than play FIFA 2010.”

Rumor: DC United Wins Game

2010-05-05T21:19:00.003-04:00

Sources that may have been at RFK tonight have confirmed that DC United has actually won a match. According to the rumor, DC United's Australian striker ~~Chris Pontius~~ Daniel Allsop scored two goals in the first half. Two goals!

We will keep abreast of this rumor because obviously someone has been drinking too much at the tailgate.

Breaking: MLS to Award Style Points

2010-05-05T09:46:00.003-04:00

Apropos of recent comments to the media, we have learned from e-mails being sent around the league’s competition committee of a pending dramatic change in how the standings will be determined. The league will hire three judge panels for each match and will award points based on style.

“This is just the most logical move for our product. We know that our consumers want to see stylish play over boring 0-0 draws. We will be rewarding teams that play ‘the beautiful game’. It is what the consumers want from our product.”

As we understand it, each judge will be awarding points based on the number of passes, step-overs, Cruyff-turns, dekes, fakes, and nutmegs. Each team will have points deducted for fouls and turnovers. The three judges will then present their final scores based on a 10 point scale. The team with the most points will be awarded an extra three points in the standings and get a gold star. A team that does not make the playoffs on points but has more gold stars than everyone else will be given a special honor at the end of the season.

Speculation on who might be the first named judges...

Payne: United Fans "Not Drinking Enough"

2010-05-05T09:03:00.005-04:00

Since the team's inception, D.C. United's supporters' aim has been not only to cheer for their team, but also to do so while consuming a certain quality of alcohol reflecting what was consumed by necessity during United's bleak campaigns under Thomas Rongen and Ray Hudson.

Barra Brava elders and Screaming Eagle board members shudder at the idea of employing cynical, flip cup-style tactics and cheap domestic beer such as Natty Light and Milwaukee's Best in order to kill sufficient brain cells. For the betterment of the young league, they argue, supporters should self-medicate with a certain amount of style, and if they sometimes pass out in the stands on a road trip, or in the audience at the MLS SuperDraft, so be it.

After watching United lose its first five matches this season and continuing to wake up the day after matches haunted by painful memories of repeated second-half collapses, however, United's supporters are in no position to concern themselves with aesthetics. The clubs are in frantic need of more alcohol, by any means, and seem certain to alter their tactics starting Wednesday night against the Kansas City Wizards at RFK Stadium.

Out: Bell's Two-Hearted Ale

"We discussed some things to try to get the group focused on drinking more, no matter how ugly things get," Screaming Eagles President Paul Soutodeh said. "Since I have checked our beer and liquor receipts recently, we haven't gotten any points for style. We're not worried about that right now. If we get the ship righted and if we add a few seasonal brews in the summer, maybe then we will try to go back to drinking the kind of booze we want to drink."

Barra Elder Chico Solares identified glimmers of hope Saturday, a 1,500-person tailgate prior to a loss to the New York Red Bulls that unraveled after a promising first hour. Although his group made better use of kegs, memories remained for many members the following morning.

United President Kevin Payne agreed with the supporters' harsh self-assessment: "I don't think they have earned the right to drink good beer," Payne said. "More to the point, it's not working. If it's not working, you have to drink something else."

Changes might come with mixed drinks, where various vodka concoctions have struggled. Cheap tequila, in the form of margaritas, has not made an official appearance since last fall, but will likely start today, as part of Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

In: ¡El Toro!

Further moves are likely inside the stadium later this summer, when local beer distributors try to move large quantities of overrated, overpriced imports. United technical director Chad Ashton recently spent two weeks in Argentina and is scheduled to drink heavily in Europe and Africa this month.

"We could use some better beer at a few stands inside the stadium, but that is not why people remember that we are 0-5," Payne said. "People remember that we are 0-5 because they haven't been drinking as heavily as they need to be, collectively or individually. It seems like every game four or five guys don't throw up."

Asked if some supporters are simply not dissolute enough to drink away the front office's failures, he said, "There is a point with certain supporters which you have to say, 'Maybe this is it, maybe this is what they are going to drink and maybe it's not as much as we think it is.'"

Rumors or Myth: Thierry Henry to DC United

2010-05-04T10:47:00.005-04:00

According to Internet rumors, DC United may be lined up to secure the services of Thierry Henry. Why? Well, because frankly the team needs someone like him. He could probably score half a dozen goals off of counter-attacks before most DC United players cleared their penalty box. I'm not saying that DC United's style of play has been slow of late but I've seen glaciers that move the ball faster.

However, we here at MLS Rumors Rumors call BS on this particular rumor. Why? Because we have checked all of our sources from across the East Coast and find little to no indication that anyone is stocking up on French wine. We believe that just like many before him, Mr. Henry's agent and publicist and hair stylist are promoting these rumors in order to extract another European transfer for the famous striker. Without much playing time at Barcelona, Mr. Henry's headlines disappear but with a few well placed rumors about a potential MLS signing, he's back on the front of the tabloids.

If Thierry Henry does somehow make it to MLS, we feel it would be tough to not find him in LA, New Jersey, or Seattle rather than DC. How that works in the salary cap and allocation is quite irrelevant. When Thierry Henry calls, MLS is going to say "Yes sir. No problem, sir. We'd love to accomodate you, sir. Can we fluff you some more, sir?"

Breaking Update:
According to more Internet rumors, Barcelona will be willing to let Henry leave before the end of his contract... Inquiring minds will want to keep track of this because I could see Henry packing his luggage full of aging European and South American stars longing to breathe the free air of MLS...

Breaking: DC United Injury Woes Extend to Fans

2010-05-04T09:20:00.000-04:00

MLS Rumors Rumors has just become aware that DC United fans have fallen to the injury bug that has decimated the team and the front office. According to our source, in the aftermath of the match last Saturday, at least 50% of the fans have experienced blindness, nausea, headaches, and memory loss, the remaining 50% are being examined for severe depression and anxiety.

“It must have been sometime around the 50th minute, I was watching the match and then all of a sudden everything went black! The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey were making an attacking move and that was the last thing I saw. I don’t know what happened! I haven’t been able to see anything since then!”

Some fans are resorting to homemade anti-depressants

Fans are being told to report to physicians immediately for assistance. The American Psychiatric Association is advocating that all DC United fans take large doses of anti-depressants. According to a certain Sunday evening TV show, it is possible to cook up some home-made anti-depressants in your basement if you do not have health insurance and cannot wait until 2041 for the recent healthcare bill to go into effect.

Latest: FDA to Ban Houston’s Kit?

2010-05-03T19:30:00.002-04:00

Sources aware of the FDA and their regulatory power speculate that the FDA may be considering placing a warning label on the Houston Dynamo’s kits. The dyes used to make the kits are reportedly potentially dangerous and include various reds and yellows that could cause untold damage to retinas around the country. While the Houston Dynamo have been around for a few years, the FDA has just recently become aware of post-marketing long-term study data that may show a link between retinal damage and the Houston Dynamo.

An FDA spokesperson would probably say,

“Look, these safety issues take time. We did not get nice long-term data before market approval of the kits. We requested and the Houston Dynamo provided a nice post-marketing study reporting adverse events. Remember it took years for us to identify the safety signals with compounds such as Vioxx, Fen-phen, and others, you cannot expect us to do our homework before it is assigned. We are now evaluating our obligations and the dangers to the public over these hideous kits.”

Breaking: DC United Identifies Midfielder

2010-05-01T10:33:00.003-04:00

Scout/Director of Something/Former Assistant Coach Chad Ashton's trip to Argentina has gotten results. We at MLS Rumors Rumors utilizing our contacts in secret government agencies that you know nothing about and are probably unsavory, have uncovered the recent e-mail that Mr. Ashton sent back to the club. We print it in full below to keep you, the fan, informed. We print it because we can and we care about integrity and nothing says ethics like printing a hacked confidential e-mail.

So, without furth ~~Adu~~ ado:

Dave,

I think I've found our solution to our attacking midfield problem. We've got this Argentinian guy here that has some great moves and some awesome tape. He's got some MLS experience with a couple of teams, so he knows our league. Not only that but he has been voted MLS Best XI and won an MLS MVP award. The guy is quality and even helped his first team win an MLS Cup after joining mid-season. I think this guy would really be the boost we need to reach a mid-table level in the league. He's current keeping active but I think we could prize him away from his current club with the use of some allocation money. Perhaps we can trade for an allocation or DP slot, so that we can pick him up.

All the best,

Chad

RUMOR: EA to include "MLS Ref" setting in FIFA 2011

2010-05-01T10:32:00.000-04:00

REDWOOD CITY, CA May 1 2010:

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned of the latest innovation from EA Sports. According to an EA game tester who we got wasted on Jager bombs last night, the pioneering gaming company will add an "MLS Ref" setting to its FIFA gaming franchise's 2011 edition.

"'S'like, gonna be gnarly, brah! No matter what league yer playin' in, you click 'MLS Ref', and every match, you get a randomly assigned MLS ref. Totally fucks you up, man! Imagine, your, like, playin' Arsenal, and your takin' on fuckin' Spurs, right? And all of a sudden, there's Terry Vaughn calling back a goal for offsides...only it was on a fucking throw-in! Or you have Barcelona versus Manchester United in the Champion's League final and Barca have a two goal lead - then Abbey Okulaja awards Manchester United two penalty kicks out of nowhere! It will just make it all more exciting."

Worrisome: Kolumbus Krew Kickers Plan Raid

2010-04-29T10:37:00.003-04:00

The Kolumbus Krew Kickers Supporters Fanboy Group have had little to do recently. Without rival team’s fans coming to Crew Stadium to create problems, the Kickers have been without an outlet for their violent posturing activities. Our inside man has found out that the Kickers are planning on an all-night vigil and taunting at a local retirement community to maintain their “hard core” attitudes and to prove they are “hard”.

The vigil is scheduled for May 2nd from 5pm to 9pm and will take place in the parking lot of the Active Oaks Retirement Community. According to our source, the all-night vigil is ending at 9pm because the Kickers need to get home in time to watch a Lifetime special.

Breaking: DC United Front Office Struck with Injury Bug

2010-04-28T16:02:00.004-04:00

According to the screaming heard in and around RFK Stadium, the injury bug has moved beyond the team and is now afflicting the front office of troubled DC United. In a freak stapler incident, both Curt Onalfo and Stephen Zack were injured. The injuries are apparently minor but will keep both men from using a stapler for four to six weeks. Goalkeeping coach Mark Simpson stubbed his toe and is reported to be unable to stand without wincing and is expected to be out for as many as three weeks. Additionally, we have it on the low down that at least three interns have voice issues from apologizing to irate callers and will be given light administrative duties until they recover within the next week.

Rumor: Colorado to Boost Attendance with Stick Promotion

2010-04-28T14:45:00.001-04:00

Colorado stadium with their typical crowd.

We have heard about it from a source that has been to Commerce City, the Colorado Rapids are going to have a unique promotion to boost their sagging attendance numbers. Colorado is considering offering a bible stick to the first 7,000 fans entering the stadium. The stick would consist of a several bible verses carved into a natural wood rod that can be used internally to maintain the proper respect and adherence to strict principles of conduct and discipline. These bible sticks are quite popular in Colorado and the Rapids’ Front Office is hopeful that the promotion will bring in the right sort of fans that can help get rid of the pesky “hard core supporters” that insist on making noise during the match.

Breaking: Philadelphia Union not Together on Cheesesteak Issue

2010-04-27T10:30:00.002-04:00

Apparently, all is not well in the locker room of the expansion team. Although their on-field situation is expected for an expansion team trying to get their feet, the team has been divided off-the-field over an issue critical to Philadelphia. They are divided over the issue of cheesesteaks. Half the team favors Pat’s and the other Geno’s.

Although our source, who knows bartenders in Philadelphia, did not have names, it was clear that the rift is deep and bitter. There have been heated arguments in the locker room and on the training ground. One wonders if the team will self-destruct and break apart over this crisis. Additionally, there appears to be a second rift between the choice of cheese, but our source did not know more about these splinter groups.

Rumor: Dallas Entertaining Idea of Boosting Attendance

2010-04-26T22:14:00.003-04:00

We have it on scant authority that FC Dallas have decided to seek to improve their attendance with a radical new approach: Pee Wee Football. The team is looking to host regular Pee Wee Football events as double headers with FC Dallas matches. According to Texas law, Pee Wee Football is mandated to be more popular than soccer and the Dallas Front Office is looking to capitalize on the regulations.

“We know that we cannot compete in our market. We have to be realistic. Most Pee Wee football games get double the attendance we have. If we can tap into that market, we’ll really improve our numbers and hopefully sell a couple pizzas in the process.”

Breaking: Bob Bradley Wooed for World Cup Spots

2010-04-26T11:51:00.002-04:00

Bob Bradley’s house is starting to look like a mad florists shop. Chocolate hearts and flower bouquets are showing up every day from players, agents, and coaches all wanting to curry favor with the National Team coach on the eve of the team announcement for the World Cup. According to our inside source, who knows someone that met someone who heard from someone that saw Bradley’s favorite contractor at 31 Flavors, all this affection has Bob Bradley in an unusually chipper mood.

“Who doesn’t like getting chocolate hearts and flower? I feel like the Prom Queen and Homecoming Queen for every high school across the country. But some of the guys are really overdoing it. I’ve got a young former prodigy’s mom sending me a bouquet of flowers every day. That is nothing compared to the daily gift baskets of fruits and nuts that I’m getting from some guy based in England that is apologizing for deleting my phone number out of his cell – I forget his name.”

Latest: DC United Staff to Run for Office

2010-04-24T14:41:00.006-04:00

After getting rebuffed at every turn by the DC council and mayor, DC United has decided to take a new tack to get their stadium built in the District. They are running for office!

We are being informed that several DC staff members, including Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, Stephen Zack, and others will be launching bids to become the next mayor and DC council. Each staffer has moved into the District and now live in the various wards across the city. Coordinating the entire process will be future mayor Kevin Payne.

“Lobbying and negotiating with politicians is for suckers! Those backstabbing, money-grubbing, popularity seeking pols just want to use us. We are going to take our efforts to the next level. When I am mayor and my staff are the DC Council, you’ll see how fast we get our stadium done. You’ll see DC United raised to the proper level in the District. It will be Power to the People and a New Era of Enlightenment will be upon us. Our sport has been banned by Kings and Mayors because they fear the freedom and liberty we embody on the field and in the stands. DC United to elected DC United!”

Transfers: Post World Cup Invasion!

2010-04-23T11:09:00.005-04:00

After the World Cup, expect a flood of talent to come to the United States and inundate the MLS with new and established stars. Why? Well, with the next World Cup four years away, a lot of players are looking for a couple of years of strong earnings and easy play. Afterall, David Beckham’s contract allowed him to get percentages on jersey sales and other image rights. Most of the top players in the world have an entourage as savvy as the Englishman and are looking to exploit the post-World Cup down time to rake in the bucks.

Here are a few players that we believe could be making the trip across the Pond. Surprising? Yes, but we’ve envisioned reasonable reasons for them to be the next big signing in MLS:

Messi: After winning the World Cup with Argentina, he wants to prove that he is even a bigger star than Pele. By coming to MLS and generating more buzz than Pele’s arrival at the Cosmos, Messi will secure his place among the greats, if not the greatest footballer of all time.

Christian Ronaldo: He’s followed David Beckham wherever he has gone. Why not the US?

Cesc Fabregas: Seeking to escape from the yearly tabloid tug of war between Arsenal and Barcelona, the midfielder would like to try his hand out in MLS. He is also more likely to come across the Pond if Messi comes here, in order to prove that he [Cesc] is in fact the best Barcelona prospect ever.

Michael Essien: Face it, England is cold, very cold. Essien’s from Africa, which is not cold. He knows that we play in the heat and he wants some of that. Not only that but how could he resist the lure of the country that brought the world Freddy Adu?

Please add your thoughts…

Breaking: Portsmouth FC To the US

2010-04-22T20:24:00.006-04:00

As everyone knows Portsmouth FC has a bit of financial trouble. What has become clear to us here at MLS Rumors Rumors is that Portsmouth is trying to get out from their debt crisis and bad decision making with a move across the Pond. What? Portsmouth FC moving to the US? In a word, yes.

According to a good authority, the club is hopeful that their move to the United States will allow them to be eligible for TARP funding because Portsmouth FC is "too big to fail". Portsmouth FC owe over £92 million to various unsecured creditors, which makes them a drop in the bucket for a financial bailout by the US Treasury.

Our sources believe that a Treasury official would say, "We all appreciate the trouble that comes from appearing to reward bad behaviour. We all know that we cannot just throw money at these people, who are in debt up over their heads. But! But, if we allow Portsmouth FC to fail, where will that leave MLS? Portsmouth FC cannot be allowed to fail for fear of causing all the unsecured debts held by MLS to become a cascade of payment calls that brings the entire system crashing down. We cannot look at our grandchildren in the face and tell them that we were responsible for the fifth most popular sport in the US to go the way of NASL."

Investigation: Chivas USA Plans Deception

2010-04-22T16:42:00.003-04:00

Chivas USA’s start to the season has been less than exemplary. According to Internet stories, the team is looking to rebound and get onto a winning track. However, in conversations with sources that have been in the LA area, Chivas USA has something nefarious planned to improve their league position. Chivas USA plans on replacing their players with those from Chivas Guadalajara in upcoming matches!

Already, several of the players have been working on looking more like their doppelgangers from Mexico, including Sacha Kljestan, who has reportedly started an intensive tanning program. Additionally, the team has tapped special effects and make up experts from nearby Hollywood to complete the effect.

According to one source, the team will “go the extra mile. We’ve all seen how in Hollywood films guys can look like exact duplicates with some clever use of rubber face masks and facial reconstruction. We have also not ruled out a full facial transplantation a la Face Off.”

What is not known is if those players taking part in this sinister infiltration would be eligible for the World Cup squads of either the US or Mexico. For example if Doppelganger Kljestan suddenly gets hot and scores a couple goals and sets up a bunch of goals, would Bob Bradley be able to tap him for the US. Also, no word is available as to if the entire Chivas USA team will spend their time hiding out in Guam or Fiji or just disappear into the Los Angeles Underground to fight for justice when no one else can help and they can be found.

MLS Loses 2000 – 2003 Records for DC United

2010-04-22T10:52:00.006-04:00

As part of the shambolic re-design of the MLS website, MLS executives have discovered that all records concerning DC United have been lost from the 2000 through the 2003 seasons. According to our sources close to sources that know of places in New York, where the MLS executives might have had a drink or two, MLS approached DC United about the missing records but failed to secure them because no one at DC United or amongst the fans can remember the missing seasons.

Could this be a picture from the mythical 2003 Season?

"Look, I’d like to be able to remember those times. I know that we had a couple coaches and picked up some players and I can only assume that we played a few matches, but really, I have no recall of that time.” Stated one fan on condition of anonymity, citing the burden this amnesia has placed upon his friends and family.

MLS has resolved to piece together the past using records kept by other teams. They are also considering counseling for DC United staff and fans to see if they just have a mental block in trying to remember those seasons.

Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey Suspected of Demon Worship

2010-04-21T10:22:00.004-04:00

If you have ever been to the Red Bulls Park in Red Bulls Harrison, Red Bulls New Jersey, then you may have been affected. Fortunately aside from the opening day crowd that was kidnapped and bussed to the stadium, most people in northern New Jersey and all of New York remain safe. According to a rumored satellite photo, it is clear that a giant pentagram and thaumaturgic triangle are carved into the field at the newly opened grounds. This can only mean that Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey have engaged in demon worship and summoning. Our sources believe this explains their unexpected form and success in this new MLS season.

Artists rendition of the rumored demon raising in North Jersey - note that the RBNYRDoHNJ even got a pony in the blood sealed bargain.

MLS Rumorsrumors has been trying to investigate the rumors of rumors of virgin sacrifices and other rites for some significant time. According to Internet data, the team regularly meets in order to pay homage to their blood thirsty lords of the underworld. In exchange for providing human sacrifices and other gifts (apparently demons really like $30 gift cards to certain coffee chains that like to speak in tongues), the demons have promised to help the Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey in their quest for winning something meaningful or at least making the playoffs.

Know that if we fall off the face of the earth, it is because of the massive conspiracy of demon worshiping evil-doers from northern New Jersey and not because we have nothing to write for our site. They are totally at fault.

DC United Looks Forward to the World Cup

2010-04-20T16:31:00.001-04:00

Four matches into the season and four losses on the books, DC United’s front office is apparently looking for the World Cup to distract fans from the abysmal display of football at RFK. According to a local source that may have overheard several front office bigwigs at lunch, DC United believes that the World Cup will be a marketing bonanza for the struggling MLS team. Our source believes one of the executives said:

“Look, we can keep our fans thinking that we will bring in a big World Cup star after the tournament. That will hold them until July, no matter how many losses we rack up. And then post-World Cup if we announce we are making a few fact-finding and scouting missions, Chang will cover our vacations. By the time the fans are the wiser, it will be August and DC United will be pushed off the radar by the Redskins. This could work…”

Attempts to think about calling DC United were unsuccessful and no one at the club was given the opportunity to deny or confirm our suspicions.

Glenn Beck Calls MLS CBA "Worse Than 9/11"

2010-03-22T13:17:00.007-04:00

Speaking on his syndicated radio program earlier today, paid gold industry spokesman Glenn Beck lashed out at the recently finalized MLS collective bargaining agreement, calling it, "Worse than 9/11." A partial transcript:

Well, folks, it seems like the insanity and corruption and socialist Nazi communism that have infected Congress and the White House have spread further into Washington, DC. Just this past Saturday, under cover of darkness, the "community organizers" who run the MLS Players' Association rammed a deal down the throats of the league's owners. Despite the fact that 73% of Americans say MLS should start all over on the CBA, these so-called "progressives" have decided to repeatedly thrust their backroom deal down America's throats, and in doing so, well, they've opened the door to the socialist utopia of free agency...and I hate to tell you, it's only going to get worse from here.

The MLS CBA Got Glenn Beck A Little Choked Up
.

"But Glenn," you say, "there's no free agency under the new CBA; how can that be socialism?" Well, I'll tell you how: the new deal establishes a "re-entry draft"...and what is a "draft?" A draft is something that governments use to force people into military service against their will! And once this "draft" becomes just another part of the landscape for people to ignore, the community organizers will raise a hue and cry for more "social justice," and start agitating for "free agency." This whole thing is a bigger disaster than 9/11, only this time, the Obama administration, through the shady machinations of a federal "mediator" in a smoke-filled room, has not only abetted the disaster, but according to at the Commissioner himself, listen to this, the deal "would not have gotten done without the mediator." I'll tell you, if that doesn't send a chill down your spine, you'd better check your pulse, because Obamacare may already have killed you.

"But Glenn," you say, "isn't free agency just a part of professional sports in the 21st Century?" And you know something? You're right. It is just a part of sports these days...but you know something else? I remember a time, back when I was just a boy, when players were obligated to a single team for as long as that team had a use for them...it was a simpler time, a time of innocence, before athletes became the greedy, money-grubbing, HgH-shooting whores of Babylon that they are today...it was a time when players knew where they stood in the eyes of their owners and their fans. A time when developmental players made less than minimum wage. A time when players popped greenies and dexies, and drank, and smoked, and slept around. A time when America was young...

...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want to cry...it's just that...that I love the MLS so much...and I fear for it...

RUMOR: Chinaglia to Manage RBNY?

2009-12-28T12:44:00.003-05:00

Chinaglia with Noted Smokeless Tobacco Enthusiast Shep Messing

TAOS, NM: MLS Rumors Rumors was tripping balls on some peyote buttons yesterday when our Spirit Guide informed us that the bartender at his local has an inside line on the leading candidate to guide the Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey as they move into their grand new building on the banks of the scenic Passaic River. According to notes we scrawled in our authentic replica of Daniel Faraday's notebook, apparently in blood (not ours, thankfully), the coyote told us the following:

It's basically a done deal. RBNYRBOHNJ are returning to their NASL roots and bringing in Giorgio Chinaglia to manage the team. That whole Lazio extortion thing went nowhere, and now Chinaglia is looking for a new challenge. Red Bull's corporate bigwigs back in Austria think he's the perfect fit for the team; they're especially taken with his knowledge of and respect for MLS.

Our Spirit Guide Gives Us The Scoop On RBNYRBOHNJ's Coaching Search (Artist's Depiction)

Latest: K. Cooper sends apology

2009-11-09T12:10:00.003-05:00

Kenny Cooper is having second thoughts about his recent comments to US National Team coach Bob Bradley & Son. According to a source that was recently in Munich, the bartender near Cooper's house claims that the US striker has expressed regret for rubbing his European success in Bradley's face. Being left off the US Roster for the upcoming friendlies in Europe, according to Goff's Blog, the big striker is mystified by the decision making process.

"I'm so much better than Cunningham. Look, he was nothing until I left Dallas and then all of a sudden he becomes something. And Eddie Johnson, when was the last time he scored a goal? I'm guessing he has trouble getting playing time on FIFA 2010."

Tough words for a man that hasn't scored in a league match since August and has found himself on the bench for the last four matches. You can be assured that we here at MLS Rumors² are going to be following this closely and writing all the news that we believe to be remotely true.

Breaking: DC United's New Coach!

2009-11-07T20:04:00.004-05:00

According to sources at a well frequented DC United bar in the U Street area, Kevin Payne, President & CEO of DC United, is close to announcing a new head coach for DC United. After missing the playoffs two seasons in a row, with an aging roster and no clear ideas on how to move forward, the DC United Supremo has decided to make a radical shift in philosophy.

"Look, they've been on us about every decision we've made since the inception of the SE list serve. It is time to give one of them a try!"

According to our sources, Kevin Payne is considering offering the position of head coach to the "Internet Nuts". He has a short list of people that post regularly on Bigsoccer.com, Goffblog, and other sites (apparently, MLS Rumors Rumors was not on the shortlist of sites). We have heard rumors that the lead candidate is a poster called Vasco, who writes in from RIO (whether that is Rio de Janiero in Brazil or an acronym for Remote in Ohio is unknown). Mr. Payne apparently liked the posters acceptance of a one year contract contingent on playoff appearences without even knowing the salary.

We are expecting an announcement sometime in the next week. The Bigsoccer.com meltdown of 2009 will follow immediately.

Investigation: End of MLS Playoffs?

2009-09-23T22:52:00.002-04:00

MLS Rumors² is tracking down news that could fundamentally affect the results of this Major League Soccer season. We have it on some authority that Don Garber and company are considering cancelling the playoffs. According to one anonymous source, Don has said:

Look, we are still on the fence about this playoff thing. We had them early on in the league and then decided to cancel them from 2000 through 2002. In 2003, we brought them back but we are again reassessing the need.

Our crack reporters will stay on top of this developing story.

Breaking News: US to return to Saprissa?

2009-09-23T22:42:00.003-04:00

You heard it hear first. Yep, when this gets announced, you can tell all your friends and colleagues and even that pretty girl down the cube farm, that you get all your prime news from MLS Rumors². If it turns out to be false, well, blame our sources...

With Goff's report about US Soccer monitoring the situation in Honduras for the October 10 qualifier, we decided to talk with our sources. Some in the super dangerous Mount Pleasant neighborhood of Washington "Danger Town" DC report that Costa Rica's Saprissa stadium would be a good alternate location. They cited the fact that the US has never won in the Monster's Cave and that Honduras would really like to win this match. Not only that but some think that Costa Rica "owes" Honduras for hosting their deposed President after the military coup this spring.

The question is would the US object to the relocation in favor of a more successful environment like Barbados...

Breaking: RFK

2009-09-10T12:08:00.004-04:00

Via the mighty Bog Man Of Washington:

RFK Is Falling Down, Falling Down, Falling Down
RFK Is Falling Down, Where Is Fenty?

It's enough to make us wax poetical:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: One vast and crumbling concrete bowl
Stands on a river. Near it on the asphalt,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is RFK, Stadium of Stadia:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The muddy Anacostia wends away.

RESULT :: Lalas & Stone go on pre-match bender

2009-09-09T21:54:00.006-04:00

Shocking scenes from the post match wrap were on offer after the United States managed not to fall on their face vs Trinidad & Tobago. Clearly shaking off the effects of the Chocolate Choo-Choo that finished off their 4 martini lunch, Stone & Lalas managed to offer some insight into the big three points captured on the road by the US.

Hair of the dog, ol' boys, hair of the dog.

Rapidman on the 'Roids?

2009-09-01T13:07:00.007-04:00

For years, we have not cared about the Colorado Rapids' mascots. They have had more mascots over the years than fans. So, when rumors came to us of bad things going on amongst the mascots, we chose not to go public. When the rumors became persistent phone calls at 4 am, we finally decided to look into the issues. According to the rumors, Rapidman (as seen in the photo on the left) is a chronic user of steroids. Shocking, I know but look at that musculature and tell me that is natural. It wasn't until we found this picture of Rapidman at age 11, that we took the rumors seriously.

And then there is this youtube video floating around out there of Rapidman's antics and craziness. We think you like us will come to the same conclusion - Rapidman has obviously been using the 'roids and has been "retired" as a result. Sad to see mascots brought so low.

Ok, Jose, we finally published it. STOP CALLING!

Breaking: Namoff speaks about Europe

2009-09-01T12:24:00.006-04:00

Bryan Namoff is the solid right back that DC United has needed to rely on this season. When rumors surfaced about European teams having an interest in him, MLS Rumors²' crack squad of reporters hit the rumor-mongering locales of DC to find out the truth. According to sources at a bar frequented by team-members in the U Street area, Namoff would love to play in Europe (afterall, who wouldn't want to make more money for doing the same job and actually having to live in seclusion of a mansion because your adoring fans chase you around town asking for pictures and autographs). However, the confusion about his move to Europe was started over a misplaced comment. According to our source:

The Namoff was talking with us about going to Europe in the off-season. He's had a banner year and thought that his wife might enjoy a trip to Paris, Rome, and the Greek Isles. He made the mistake of telling in the presence of a blogger, that he had some interest in the Greece and suddenly there is a story on the Internet.

So, faithful DC United fans, you can likely expect The Namoff to be back next season, unless totally unrelated to this rumor some European team offers him suitcases full of money to relocate.

United Matchday: Seven Drunken Cup Matches

2009-08-26T15:21:00.003-04:00

In honor of tonight's marquee tilt between DC United and Toluca de Mexico, we reprint the timeless Irish-American drinking song, Seven Drunken Cup Matches:

As I got to RFK on a Monday night,
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Janicki playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Janicki's playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut!
No, you cannot see,
That's a hairy-chested Bulgarian
That KP signed for me!"

Well, for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But mutton chops on a Bulgarian
I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Tuesday night,
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied N'Silu slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why N'Silu's slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
You internet nut,
No you cannot see!
That's a new Brazilian striker
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a Brazilian from Kinshasa
Sure I've never seen before!

Even the RFK Stadium cats have to drink to cope with Cup nights.

As I got to RFK on a Wednesday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Kocic in between the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Kocic is standing 'tween the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's the brother of Troy Perkins
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a brother of Troy Perkins
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Thursday night
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied DiRaimondo playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me
Why DiRaimondo's playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's an Argentinian winger
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But an Argentinian from St. Louis
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Friday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Szetela in the midfield
Where Gomito should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Szetela is in the midfield
Where Gomito should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's a fit young Tico
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But a fit young Tico gasping for breath
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Saturday night
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Shipalane playing libero
Where Jaime Moreno should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's a guy named Tiyi
Where Jaime Moreno should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's Juan Sebastian Veron
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But la Brujita in a United kit
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Sunday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I spied Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's some lovely Murphy's
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But Murphy's the colour of donkey piss
Sure I've never seen before!

Heart Breaking: Cooper Sends Note

2009-08-25T23:06:00.003-04:00

After Cooper scored his second goal for 1860 Munich of the Second Division in Germany, the young US-American striker has done something sure to raise some hackles - he sent Bob Bradley, US National Team coach, a bouquet of flowers with a note reading:

Dear Bob, thanks for your confidence in me. I couldn't have succeeded without all those call ups to the national team. BTW could you resend your phone number, I accidentally hit delete on your contact information. Loves, Kenny

Confidential: Diamond Jack's E-mail Revealed

2009-08-24T14:36:00.005-04:00

To: MLSRUMORSRUMORS
From: Diamond Jack
Date: August 13, 2009
Re: Seattle's USOC Bid

Dear Mr. Rumorsrumors,

It has come to our attention that you are the most reliable news outlet discussing the recent controversy regarding the US Open Cup Final venue. We would like to say that we firmly believe the process run by our colleagues at US Soccer is as open, fair, and reliable as any run by CONCACAF, FIFA, and the Trinidad & Tobago FA. We know that they looked at the various options brought in the bids and compared them on the merits. For example, if one club was willing to pony up some assets to assure that the US Soccer decision committee could make their evaluation and decision in a place of relaxation and enjoyment, instead of from the stressful location of their offices, that club should be viewed more favorably than another. If one club understands the demands placed upon individual members of such committees and pro-actively provides those members with appreciation and thanks, that club should recieve the benefit of the doubt. This is the way the world works and no amount of finger pointing and suggestions of impropriety will change that.

We know that the entire US Soccer organization is above reproach and we have thoroughly enjoyed working with them. We look forward to continuing our thankless tasks in football together and will enjoy seeing them at the spa in South Africa, which was provided free-of-charge from one such appreciative FA.

Best Regards,

Diamond

PS: I regret to tell you that phone service in Trinidad & Tobago is somewhat spotty. We can only assure a good connection through heavy monetary investments, which we fund through our Diamond Jack Footy Tours operation. According to our records, not enough US fans travelling to Mexico for the recent qualifier chose our company and we were unable to pay for our phone services. Diamond Jack likes to put a call in to the referee before the match to assure a fair and unbiased performance, which he was unable to do for this match. We are sorry that the events of the day demonstrated the need for such a phone call. In the future, it would help us all if you could tell your readers to choose Diamond Jack Footy Tours for all their travel needs.

This e-mail is to be embargoed until August 24, 2009. We also request that broadcasters refer to "The" Diamond Jack of Diamond Jack Footy Tours, so as not to confuse people with the other Diamond Jack, who runs a snake farm in Florida.

Next Time, On Rookie Life: FAIL

2009-08-24T12:35:00.003-04:00

Well then.

H/T The Mighty Insider

Dear PETA: When You're Done Protesting Michael Vick

2009-08-19T15:58:00.003-04:00

...Please save this poor cat:

Satirists Union Applies "Mercy Rule" To Red Bulls

2009-08-17T10:09:00.003-04:00

NEW YORK, 17 August, 2009: In the wake of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison New Jersey's MLS-record 13th consecutive league match without a win (16 in all competitions), a 2-0 home loss to Chivas EEUU, the International Brotherhood of Satirists (I.B.S.) announced today that it was applying an obscure rule to prevent further satire of RBNYRBOHNJ for the remainder of the season.

Known as the "Mercy Rule," or the "Clippers Rule," Section 8.06 of the Union's guidelines prevents "any additional satire directed at a team that, having lost so badly, so consistently, and in such novel ways that effective parody is no longer possible." The only previous instance of an MLS team even being considered for the Clippers Rule was in 1999, when, while doing business as the Metrostars, the current RBNYRBOHNJ set what was thought at the time to be an unbreakable record for futility. However, the I.B.S. Executive Committee decided not to apply the Clippers Rule at that time, based on the relatively brief existence of the franchise. "They just didn't have the history of failure back then," one I.B.S. insider told MLS Rumors Rumors over rounds of Yuengling at a too-trendy-by-half "dive bar" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

This time around, according to I.B.S. spokeswoman Candace Stringer, "the team's current ineptitude on the field, combined with the absolutely mystifying work being done by the front office, and the team's 14-season history of spectacular failure really makes continued comedy at their expense impossible. The I.B.S. has decided to invoke the Clippers Rule to prevent its members from the embarrassing likelihood that their best efforts will be overshadowed by the horrifically hilarious reality of the situation."

RUMOR: Seattle Sounders midfielder on the way to Benfica?

2009-08-14T16:44:00.006-04:00

It has come to our attention that God's gift to MLS, the Seattle Sounders, may soon be without a beloved crowd favorite leftover from USL/A-League/various minor leagues of not much note. Through a source (which we will not identify) served by an Ibiza bartender who once scored with Mike's neighbor's daughter while her suburbothug friends flashed gang signs, we have learned that none other than Sebastian LeToux is heading to Benfica.

After doing some digging, we found this item on the Benfica team site. We at MLSRumors² are not such cunning linguists that we can decipher the byzantine Portuguese language, but it seems pretty clear that "Seba" is on his way to the Iberian peninsula. It is not clear if the transfer will go into effect now or in the winter transfer window. Seattle attendance kings will be concerned that the full emotional ejaculation of a possible Open Cup championship will be weakened if this symbol of continuity is not with the team. LeToux would, of course, applaud the 25,000 rave green clad supporters whom will descend upon RFK to show DC United "how its done".

Stay tuned, remember, today's rumor is tomorrow's headline!

That's harsh Sunil

2009-08-14T13:04:00.001-04:00

Northern Virginia Man Suffers Shattered Self Esteem, Bruised Ego In Loss To Mexico

2009-08-13T09:13:00.005-04:00

FAIRFAX, VA 13 August, 2009: A medical report issued by psychiatrists at INOVA Fairfax Hospital confirmed an initial diagnosis of shattered self esteem and a bruised ego for local soccer fanatic Grayson Whitman following the United States crushing loss at the hands of Mexico yesterday afternoon.

"His ego is banged up pretty good," said INOVA spokesman James Ledbetter. "He was talking smack to his Mexican co-workers at the World Bank all week. Going on about 'It's the U.S.' time, Mexico is over as a regional power, 5-0 was a fluke.' Just knowing he has to face them when he's healthy enough to get back to the office has caused some deep bruising."

Grayson Whitman, Recovering At INOVA Fairfax Hospital. Image by Flickr user Docman.

More troubling, however, is Whitman's shattered self esteem. According to Ledbetter, "Grayson really lives vicariously through the USMNT. He's been having a rough go of things lately - his girlfriend left him for a Brazilian guy who works for McKinsey, his dog ran away, that sort of thing - and the success of the US national team was really keeping him going. After that early goal, his self esteem took a quick jump up, and the subsequent crash just put too much strain on the system; when that second Mexican goal went in, it just shattered. It's sad, really."

Doctors have prescribed an intensive regimen of beer and hard alcohol, "but no wine," said Ledbetter, the INOVA spokesman. "He's also been prescribed some anti-depressants, and some painkillers. The guy's in bad shape right now, but we're hopeful that he'll be back to his chest-thumping, Mexican taunting best by next summer's World Cup. Of course, if the U.S. doesn't qualify, he could be facing a life-or-death situation."

When reached for comment in his hospital room, Whitman stated: "DC United had better win the [expletive] Open Cup...I've been talking [expletive] about it to my cousins out in Seattle for weeks."

Breaking: Bob Bradley packing bags?

2009-08-12T15:08:00.005-04:00

Bob Bradley awaiting marching orders?

It has come to our attention that Bob Bradley has been given the dreaded vote of confidence by the USSF. In statements made to the press in Mexico, Sunil Gulati ~~dictator Supremo~~ head of US Soccer said that US Soccer would stick with Bob Bradley through the World Cup. We here at Rumors² would like to take him at his word but after reviewing the book by Johnny "Captain for Life" Harkes, we can only believe that Bradley is on the outs.

Speculation around the bar is that Gulati became enamoured while in Washington DC of a job applicant announced on DC 101 that said he had 23 years of organizational experience and would take any job. Gulati was in DC watching the Match of the Century (where were you?!) between Real Madrid and DC United.

When attempted to be reached for comment, all parties promptly hung up on us.

BREAKING: Sounders To Hoist "Attendance Champions" Banner

2009-08-11T15:01:00.004-04:00

SEATTLE, 11 August, 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Seattle plans to open their 2010 home schedule with a pre-match banner-raising ceremony, honoring the team's first title: 2009 MLS Attendance Champions.

According to our source, a local bike messenger who occasionally smokes up with Seattle FO personnel:

They got the idea from the [WNBA's Washington] Mystics. I mean, everyone from Drew on down to the fans in the stands is really pumped up about how we've pwnd the league at the turnstiles. It really is the truest measure of a team's success. Like, look at the Cubs! No one gives a shit that they haven't won a world series in over a hundred years, they still pwn bitches like the Marlins and D-Backs, because they sell more tickets.

While the Attendance Champions banner is "a done deal," still up for grabs is the coveted "Merchandise Championship." The Sounders currently hold an edge over TFC and the LA Galaxy, and if they maintain it through the end of the season, our source tells us that:

They're gonna go all out for that one, man...we're talking the biggest banner you've ever seen...I mean, I hate to keep coming back to it, but look at the Cubs, or the Indians. Who cares about rings, man? These guys sell so much more merch than the Phillies or the Marlins, it PROVES that they're better. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Dollar bill, y'all.

Obama Weighs in on Seattle Controversy

2009-08-11T12:52:00.005-04:00

Having read the recent diatribe from Seattle Fans, President Obama has reportedly taken offense. According to staffers that may have been overheard while drinking at a bar in or around the White House, Obama is livid that Seattle Sounders FC fans are up on their high horse.

Obama is rumored to have ranted -

"Look, first we had to deal the pretenders from Toronto, claiming to be the best expansion team, but what have they ever won. NOTHING! Now we've got these greenies from the Northwest claiming to be the best expansion franchise ever. What? Am I missing something? Did they win an MLS Cup in their first season? Please, they remind me those howling talking heads on Fox."

As of this writing, it is unclear what actions the President may choose to take. We asked around for some speculation and the majority think that Obama will offer to host the next 20 G-8 conferences, the World Bank/IMF meetings, and all future World Trade Organization meetings in the city of Seattle.